I Didn’t Turn Down a Date for 3 Months and This is What I Learned About Me
Self Reflection and Evaluation at It’s Most Vulnerable Moments.
When I first began this project I had already been on a few dates. When I noticed that they weren’t going as good as I had hoped I decided to try and figure out why. So for three months I went on every date possible. Anyone that asked me out, I said yes. And here’s what I learned about me:
1. I am Insecure. More insecure than I thought.
The first couple dates I went on I noticed a pattern in my behavior that was honestly quite annoying to me. I realized that I was criticizing everything I was saying and doing in my head. For example, if I said “I really like dogs,” in my head I would tell myself, “what the hell that’s the most boring thing you could have ever said.” It was like I was already critiquing how the date was going and preparing myself for the moment they wouldn’t text/call back. Essentially, I was telling myself that I would be the reason they didn’t ask to go on a second date because in my mind I had been boring or not cool enough. That is just so yucky to feel and I’m the one responsible for making myself feel that way.
So how do we fix this?
Before every date I started to engage in this sort of Pre-Date Pep Talk. I would get ready, do my hair and makeup, and before it was time to walk out the door, I would stand in front of the mirror and talk myself up. If I wanted to be desired and pursued I needed to convince myself that I WAS desirable and worth pursuing. I would look at myself in the mirror and firmly point at my reflection and say things along the lines of, “Hey you’re a super cool gal. You’re funny and smart and weird, but the good kind of weird. You like dogs and that’s not boring at all. It’s super rad. And dogs like you too!”
While this felt super uncomfortable the first time I did it, It slowly started to work. Before every date I gave myself that pep talk and before I knew it I got to the point where I didn’t need it anymore. I would go into a date feeling confident in myself and I was so much more secure in who I was that if I didn’t get that follow up text, it didn’t bother me one bit… Because I like dogs and dogs like me back. And any guy that wants to miss out on that obviously isn’t worth the worry.
2. I Put Out Too Easily.
Before you freak out, I’m using that phrase with a different connotation. I’ve always been an open book. I really love to wear my heart of my sleeve. By date #5, I kind of hated how I was putting out so much personal information about myself to this stranger that I just met.
Every date would entail me basically giving every personal and classified fact about myself from beginning to end. Essentially, I left my date with literally no means to try and get to know me better because I had literally just told them all about myself. This kind of made it impossible to be truly pursued by them. I put out too much of the things that should take time for your partner to learn about you. And I honestly believe that I did this as a defense mechanism.
In my mind I felt like, “If I just lay it all out at once I wont have to go through the stress and hurt of breaking down walls for them later.” When I noticed that I was very rarely getting asked out on a second date I knew exactly why. There was no reason for them to ask for a second date because I had put all my positives and negatives on the table at once and that is overwhelming as hell. As soon as I readjusted the way I mentally approached the date itself, I began to enjoy my time more. It was less about getting all of my skeletons out of the closet and more about enjoying their presence and the fact that someone was interested enough in me to spend some time getting to know me.
3. If I have a type, I have no idea what it is.
This experience has really pushed me to step out of my comfort zone and go on dates with people I normally may not have even considered. Of course there are the occasional bad date but a majority of the ones I have been on have been super fun and I loved getting to know so many different people. I used to think that there was one specific type of person that I would be able to relate to and have fun with but what I learned is that there are a lot more people out there who can be quite similar to you in a lot of aspects. They might portray them in a different way but the underlying drive in all of us is relatively the same.
We as humans just naturally tend to be attracted to like-minded people. Even without having a full out get-to-know-you conversation, there is a mutual attraction just by the way you walk through life and the way you present yourself.
If someone asks you out on a date and you’re skeptical about whether to agree or not just consider this next time: This person that just asked you out was attracted/interested in you enough to have the courage to ask you out and possibly have to face rejection. Before you begin to apply your “type” analysis, have some faith that you just might have more in common with this stranger than the idealized type you’ve constructed in your mind. Plus at the end of it, no matter what, you got the privilege to spend some one-on-one time with somebody and really get to know them.
By the end of the three month period, I was having some really fun dates. Not because the people were getting better, but because I was getting better. The last date I went on was super memorable and I felt really good about myself for the first time in 3 months! But after all this dating, I think now I just wanna take the time to not date. Spend some time just improving myself and enjoying this awesome life I have ahead of me.
(As a side note, any guy that I dated that stumbles upon this blog, you were not part of an experiment, I was 100% there and 100% enjoyed it!)