My Life With Warcraft — A Story Of Loneliness

I had a difficult childhood. A slick, small and weepy outsider. A time filled with negative memories. The only positive emotions I can remember refer to video games and fictional stories. Stories that made me what I am today.
Have you ever been depressed because a story becomes so emotional for you, it makes you feel being part of it? Have you ever experienced a big emotional punch when a story does not turn out the way you imagined it to progress? I have. I had those days. Especially, when I got invested into fantasy lore; in the saddest days of my past. One of them influenced me to such an extent, I could only realize it recently. More precisely, I talk about Warcraft. Imagine being all alone in front of the computer, deeply mourning a deceased character, a plot twist that makes you scream ‘NO!’ deep inside, a turn on a character you fell in love with in your messed up youth. Well, this is me.

Throughout my childhood, especially in my teens, loneliness was my silent companion. I still feel lonely sometimes. Never in my life, had I someone who really understood me. A very close, like-minded friend who could put oneself in my position and my mind, without laughing or finding it ridiculous and crazy. The time in school nearly killed me, literally. I was the one who could easily be bullied. I was the one who just wanted to have peace and never received it until I graduated. I always was the shortest, slickest weepiest boy in class. An easy target.

So I started playing video games when I was nine years old. Those with a big and compelling story. Those with emotional depth. Video games taught me that the world is not bad everywhere. They taught me there are good people and happiness in this world. That it is okay to cry. I cried very often in my childhood. Despair exhausted my living will. Video games kept me alive. A special one in particular.

One day, I heard about a game called Warcraft 3. It was not released yet but I started getting interested in the story, in one specific character. A young orc warrior overcoming his terrifying past, uniting his people and desiring to make peace with the humans. To fight the endangering evil together. His name was Thrall.

Then I read about Jaina Proudmoore, a young human sorceress being forced to work with the abhorrent orcs and joining them in battle to save the world. I instantly knew this is the story I needed to explore. So I bought this game the day it was released and inhaled every piece the story had to offer. What it did to me? It changed my life, my attitude, my point of view. It moved me deeply and I overwhelmingly fell in love with the lovely written characters and their rough but beautiful world.

Thrall, especially, influenced me heavily. He gave me a warm and sheltered feeling during the darkest hours of my past. His character made me feel strong. I temporarily even grew and shaved my beard the way he had his in the game. From this day forth, I have always been seeing the good side in every monster and beast I encountered. Monsters can be good as well. This is what I learned. My love for Thrall became even more extreme when I once dreamed of a blurry green-skinned man standing in front of me. I do not remember what happened in this one dream but I am sure my mind wanted me to believe it was Thrall looking at me.

When Jaina came into play to support Thrall in defeating the evil together, my heart ultimately burst with joy. Not only was she a great, though naive character. Jaina was my naive counterpart. During the game and afterwards, she became good friends with Thrall. Despite wars, difficulties and conflicts. This is where my mind started creating their future. A peaceful future, no matter what race they are and which difficulties and backlashes they had to overcome. In my own ‘universe’, they aged with me, year after year. They moved in a house in a nice village together. A village welcoming both human and orc allies. In which the citizens were neutral and could live with each other peacefully. They settled down, made friends and became popular tale-tellers and guides. Stories about their own past; trips to historical places.
I created a symbol of what I did not have at that time: Peace, friendships and not feeling isolated. Thrall, among other fictional characters, was always there for me when I felt alone. When I had yet another bad day in school, I always liked to add a small chapter to my own story for him and his family. Although he is a fictional character, he was very special to me. We were good friends in a way. He was the symbol of a caring friend I did not have in my teens…

12 years have passed and I started to get interested in the Warcraft lore again. I only had a quick peek on World of Warcraft when it was released in 2005. While recovering from a heavy burnout, I decided to see what my favorite characters have become and how the world I love has changed.
What I read triggered dark memories in my head, causing me to nearly fall into depression. The written lines of what happened in all those years ripped my heart into pieces. Not only did it shatter the image of my beloved heroes and what my mind made them by now. More importantly, it pushed me back to when I needed those heroes to survive the mental torture I experienced in my schooldays. It also made me question my life. Am I still the little boy without peace? Have I ever recovered from the shadows of my past? Who was I now, 12 years later? Was this a wake-up call? While reading through the story parts I missed over the years, my loneliness came back. However, I also experienced something even worse: Helplessness and black despair.

All of the sudden, my inner fairy tale fell apart. My old friends changed dramatically and the relationship between them was very far away from my own universe. The writers changed Thrall’s nature and character from being the thoughtful, tough and cool leader with a horribly sad past into a too passive and seemingly ignorant man. A man who once cried emotional tears for fallen friends but now abandoned and ignored his most important friendship. He did not care about Jaina when she needed him most. Why? He was not there when her home town was destroyed and he was not there to search for and to solace her after losing everything she loved. Why? After all they went through together! Jaina hated Thrall now due to catastrophic events in the Warcraft universe which destroyed everything in Jaina’s life. She even wanted to kill him multiple times. Their friendship was gone. I was furiously mad at the writers. It felt like they destroyed my very best friends and the peace I fought for in my head. The peace with my dark past collapsed and I noticed this peace was just a curtain. A very thin curtain. And I realized the past was still all around me. The trouble with my schoolmates only became trouble with my coworkers. I was Jaina in this moment. She needed a warm hug as much as I did.

My mind couldn’t handle it. I mentally collapsed and could not think about anything else anymore. It felt like a giant hole I could not escape from. Starting to question every aspect of my life, I quickly began searching through the internet. I demanded answers. Why did Thrall do this? Why did he betray Jaina in not helping her? Why did my inner friend, who cared for me and who guided me through the most critical years of my life, not care for her anymore? He, Thrall, my very personal symbol of what I could never achieve: Living a fulfilled life after all the pain he went through. I tirelessly scanned every source I could find. Every link, every forum, every fan reaction. Looking for answers, for comments by the authors. Why did they do this to my beloved characters? Who is there for me to overcome and lock away my inner demons, now?

The longer I read through every available text, the more I realized: I am lonely again. Lonely in my attitude, lonely in my point of view, lonely in front of my computer. The time moved on and I did not realize it for all those years. My demand for having my characters to make up with each other again was hopeless. Nobody could help me restoring my beliefs in this moment. My silent cry for help in social media was unheard. Even the writers, the fathers of Thrall pushed me down the pit.

As a result, my body couldn’t take it any longer. I suddenly could not eat anymore and concentrating on my regular work was not possible. Anorexia was not the only problem. The nights after reading through the story events were horrible. As horrible as the fictional events for me. Weird thoughts chased me. The why? The how can I move on? The how can I fix this? What can I do? I woke up in the middle of the night. Still not being able to clear my mind and to move on. And when I remembered the wonderful buddies Thrall and Jaina were in the past and in my mind for so many years, I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. The illusion of peace crackled and I cried myself to sleep.

The day after, I decided to dig deeper and read through the very latest events and skimming the newest novel in the Warcraft lore. There had to be a way out. There had to be a sign of hope somewhere. I came across the novel called War Crimes and eventually found what I desperately was looking for. A small glimpse of hope. It was the climax which finally redeemed me. Jaina was severely injured and Thrall did not hesitate to heal her. When she woke up again and reached out for Thrall’s hand, I burst into tears. Even while writing these very lines and remembering the scene, I am moved to tears. I finally started to see hope again. For my life, for the universe in my mind, for those characters. I did not feel hopeless anymore…

Some weeks passed. The mental wounds slowly eased and my body started working again. I still struggle with the new state of my secret inner world, with the current state of Warcraft. Still recovering from the shock and the recurring memories, I started to realize my universe cannot continue the way it was. Thrall and Jaina will always be good friends to me, though. As I will never forget what those characters, what the writers gave me when I needed them. However, as long as the friendship between them is not mended, I will feel sadness. As long as the writers do not give those two characters peace and an everlasting friendship, as long as I do not see Thrall and Jaina hugging and apologizing each other wholeheartedly, I cannot defeat my inner demons. Will it ever be the same as before? I hope so. However, too much has happened and changed. The mental punch was too affecting to just move on and pretend everything is fine. Even worse, I could never find somebody who is on my side in this case. Nobody still desired this friendship which was so important to me. I could not talk to anyone as nobody was able to understand my emotional bond. Even the fans hated Thrall or Jaina or both, now. Loneliness was my loyal companion again.

However, writing this essay has made me feel better. Now, I consider writing down the fan fiction in my head or even inventing my own fantasy world. A place in which the human beauty and the inhuman beast do get and stay together after tragedy and war. A place in which I can experience the peace I have been looking for my entire life.

And when I go deep inside me, all I wish is Thrall and Jaina to appear in a dream, both reaching for my hand and speaking to me: “Do not worry, old friend. Everything will be okay. We will always be with you”. So I once more can feel the warmth those characters gave me when guiding them to victory and peace; and when I imagined them becoming more than just friends.

Dedicated to everyone who suffered from similar mental pain in their youth, to those who were saved by video games and fantasy lore, to every writer at Blizzard who made this –for me- life-saving connection to their characters possible, to everyone loving this world as much as I do.