The Proper Care and Feeding of A Cowboy

My very own cowboy.

They might appear to be sweet talking and oh so gentleman like, but what is really hidden in those tight fittin’ Wranglers? (No, not that, get yer mind out of the mud!) If you decide to head down to your local Honky Tonk to pick out a cowboy of your very own, there are a few things to consider before you woo him off of his bar stool. Are you willing to put up with his untamed ways? Would it embarrass you to have a rusty old pick up covered in mud sitting in your driveway? Can you live with a saddle propped up against the sofa? While you ponder those questions, here are a few things you might need to know to keep your cowboy healthy and happy.

1. Never, ever ask him to change: This is the way you found him and this is the way he’s gonna be when he rides off into the sunset. If you ask him to give up his chew, his beer, his truck, or his friends, this will only expedite his packing up and hitting the dusty trail. It’s a lot like asking a cow not to moo or a kitten to stop being cute. It just ain’t gonna happen and you might as well get used to having spit bottles and empty beer cans as your new fashionable décor.

2. Never let him make the coffee. Cowboys are notorious for making the world’s worst coffee. Their philosophy is ‘it ain’t coffee unless the spoon stands up in it.’ Not only is it used for a morning wake up, it is also used as lubricant for farm equipment, a medicinal salve, patch work for holes in fiberglass, and chewing tobacco when there isn’t a store within a hundred miles.

3. Get used to muddy boots and dirty trucks. It all boils down to working hard and playing even harder. After a full day of working cattle, farming fields, and lookin’ good, a cowboy has to let off a little pent up energy. This usually involves beer, a lot of mud, a bull or a big ole truck, a bon fire, and a bunch of good friends. If you’re really lucky, he’ll invite you out for a midnight swim or giggin’ frogs. Be honored, he doesn’t take just any girl to his favorite quite places.

4. Grub. Cowboys love their food to be tasty yet simple; chili, steaks, potatoes, prime rib, beans, wild game, beer, potato salad, and more steak. And spicy. But be wary if your cowpoke chows down on a combination of beer and beans. The future emissions emanating from your cowboy will rival a sewage lagoon in Satan’s sanitation department. Hope and pray that he’ll be ridin’ the range for the next couple of days or your nose hairs may never grow back.

5. Lies. Cowboy’s never lie. Ever. They embellish. But there is always a sliver of truth in every tall tale they tell, the hard part is wading through all the bullshit to get to it. If he starts a story with “No shit, so there I was…” you are in for a doosie. Pull up a chair, crack open a cold, tall one and enjoy the ride, it will be memorable.

You might be thinking that cowboys sound just like any other male creature out there. So what makes him so different? Is it because he wears cowboy boots? Or maybe it’s because he rides a horse? In some ways they are like all the other guys out there, but the differences can be boiled down to character and a little something called ‘gumption.’ And what is gumption, you ask? Well, basically, it’s practical common sense and the courage to take whatever action is needed. You don’t have to tell him something twice. And he believes in an honest wage for an honest days’ work. So, if you’re lucky enough to rope yourself a cowboy, hold on tight and count to eight. It’ll be the adventure of your life. Happy trails!