PLEASE READ: Important Changes To This Year’s Office Holiday Party

Hi everyone! I’m so excited to officially invite you to this year’s holiday extravaganza!!! As you know, due to budget cuts, things are going to be just a tad different this year. In lieu of printed invitations, which are so expensive, and take so long to make — and the trees! — please allow this email to serve as your entree to the party. Let me explain just a few minor changes from years’ past that we will all graciously adapt to.

It’s been a tough year here at Widget & Co, what with the downward trend in sales, and the e. coli thing at the Thanksgiving potluck, and that whole incident with Marcia’s ex and the copy machine. Instead of renting out some depressing party room at a hotel under bright fluorescent lights, or going to the boss’s estate where his finished basement is bigger than my neighborhood, management is trying something innovative this year. We are going to enjoy delicious food and drink at the convenience of our own desks!

On the upside, no one has to hire a sitter, dress up in festive holiday sweaters, drive drunk, or leave the office. This all dovetails perfectly with our workflow plan, since, as you know, we are under strict quarantine for the month of December. I know, I know, it’s not the best time to not be able to leave the office for 4 weeks. But hey, let’s make the best of it with a kickass holiday part, right?

After the poor profits last quarter, and the aforementioned outbreak of the new freak strain of e. coli that sickened roughly 60% of our workforce, who are unable to return until they stop continuously vomiting and pooping themselves at the same time, it’s the least we can do to pitch in.

We are all aware that the entire c-suite just happened to be out of the office at the annual Key West leadership conference/golf tournament the day of the incident, and they aren’t allowed back in the building until January 1. As such, they have chosen me, the senior executive assistant, to keep things moving smoothly around here.

Remaining in the office for the duration of the month allows Widget & Co to stay afloat in the industry and to continue to provide high quality widgets to our customers. We, the lucky few, got just a smidge of the ol’ coli ourselves…not enough to warrant staying in the hospital with the rest of the staff, but just enough to make us a public safety threat until after Christmas. As survivors, it’s our duty and privilege to carry on for our comrades. ’Tis the season guys!

I’ve heard around the water cooler that some people are playing the blame game about how this all started. It’s not Shaun’s fault that his homemade deer jerky was carrying the Big E. He worked really hard to cure that freshly hunted animal in his cabin. He toiled on it for months. It’s not fair to expect him to have known about food safety laws. He did send that note from the ICU apologizing. The least we can do is give him some Christ-like compassion. WWJD?

Anywho… another great thing is no one needs to spend any money on presents this year because we are going to have a classic white elephant gift exchange — everybody’s favorite thing!

Please find something in your desk or therabouts that you can repurpose as a gift. Examples of thoughtful choices would be extra staples, origami animals, sugar packets, working pens, or anything soft that can be used as a pillow. Food is always a slam dunk! Please no exchanging of, um, personal services this time. Make it work-appropriate, people!

While you’re enjoying the party, wander over to my desk and sign up to volunteer for the next food drop. We still need people for the following jobs: hold the helicopter rope, unload boxes, clean the hazmat suits (protective gloves will be provided), guard the doors, and act as meditation group leader.

At the party tonight, let us feast on what’s left in the fridge and the box of fancy crackers Neil found in the storage room cabinet — shout out to Neil! Happy Holidays to everyone:)

Cheerfully yours,