My Apology Letter To You
A part of me feels guilty for invading your life in the way that I did. I have been resisting to write about you for so long now, for the fear of having any evidence of you. I don’t want you to just be a memory, or a fading acquaintance, or a subtle distraction. I want you to be the one who stays. I need you to be the one who stays.
“Do you love her?” I whispered quietly as you stared intently into my eyes.
“I think a part of me will always love her. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but that’s the truth.”
“I want the truth. I always want the truth when it comes to you; to us.”
You looked up from your hands and fixed your gazed directly on me.
“But, I also feel something tremendously deep and real with you. It’s a feeling I cannot put into words. All I know is that my heart feels the way it does; and you and this, and everything we could be is something that I trust in so strongly.”
In that very moment, I thought to myself how your words had the power to completely render me speechless and paralyze me in a way that no one had ever been capable of doing. You didn’t need to explain yourself or even try to, I just knew. I always knew. I always would know.
“Are you just going to stare at me and pretend like that half smile of yours will speak for itself?” You chuckled and fumbled with your hair as you spoke these words. I could tell that you were shaking with trepidation inside.
Mirroring your actions, I gently tucked my hair in the crevices of my fingers and tried with all my might to produce words that would make some semblance of comprehension.
In that very moment, I wanted to tell you everything that I was feeling, that I had felt since the beginning.
‘I love you. Love you in a way that will render your bones and soul restless. Because my love will heal and fix all the broken parts of you. My love will be the very essence of what you never knew you needed. I am worth it, I am worth it, I am worth it. Please, don’t love her anymore, because I am for you and you are for me. I love you so much that it hurts. I love you so much that I am willing to give you up, to let you go and be with her, if that is what you truly believe is best for you. Even though I know without a doubt that this, she, is not what is best for you.’
In that very moment, I finally understood what unconditional and true love meant. What it felt like to love someone so deeply and so fiercely, that all you wanted for them transcended any rational thought. It was not about you anymore, but about them and their heart and their wellbeing.
It didn’t matter to me that we had only known each other for such a short time, because as cliche as it is, ‘when you know, you just know.’ And I knew. I knew then, now, and will continue to always know and believe in us.
After several moments of lingering silence and unanswered thoughts, I responded.
“It doesn’t matter what or how I feel, because you are more important. If you need to figure things out with her and finish what you guys have built, then who am I to interfere with this?”
I could tell that you were taken aback by my statement. You moved closer to me and took my hand into yours.
“Is that what you really want? How would any of this be fair to you then?”
Until this day, I do not know where this boldness came from.
“It isn’t fair. None of this is fair. I have always been the second choice, will always be in a way. Yet I still choose to put you first, to love and care for you first. So you ask how is this fair…it’s not. It’s fucking crazy and borderline psychotic if you ask me.”
It hurts me so much that you choose to stay whenever it is easy and convenient for you. I know you don’t intend to do this, but it is the truth of the situation. You only choose to stay and love me when it is easy. Yet you continue to love her time after time, after time, after time. You continue to love and choose her when it is the hardest.
You love her so deeply in a way that cannot be broken by any human force. It was naive of me to believe that I could change your mind. I apologize for my faulty thinking.
“Please don’t apologize, you have been nothing but more than kind to me throughout all of this.”
I turned away because tears began to flow from my eyes. I did not want you to see me at my most vulnerable. You deserved only happiness, and peace, and the good parts of me. Not because I was afraid to show you the bad parts, but because of the chaos that endlessly surrounded you. The kind of chaos that stripped any capacity for you to feel anything remotely real. The kind of chaos that fucked you up inside beyond repair. I was supposed to be the one who saved you, the place that you could escape to for reprieve, for breath, for life.
“I just don’t want this to be the last time we speak or see one another.”
You pulled my face close to yours and gently placed your quivering lips on mine.
“It won’t be.”
But I knew that it would. Maybe not in the literal or human sense, but it would be for a while at least.
I had, have done all that I can. It’s time to surrender this, you, us, to an entirely higher and all-knowing power. If it is a part of His will and plan, then He will find a way. He will make a way. It doesn’t matter how impossible this may seem. He will open the doors that need to be opened for us to both walk through, and close the doors that need to be closed. He will protect us. More importantly, he is already protecting and working on our hearts so that when the time is right and we are to meet again and be together, that it will just be perfect. It will be of Him, and nothing else will matter. His love and ways are greater than our own.
I trust in you Lord and the promises that you have placed on my heart. He is not mine to keep or have for the time being, but he will be when your timing and will allows for it. You showed me how to love him in the same way that you love us, and this is how I know that ALL of this comes from and is of YOU.
Our story is not finished. This is not done. This is only the beginning…