THE 12 CRAZIEST PIECES OF TECH AT CES

Radioactive protecting metal boxers?? The future is here.

I’ve spent the last 5 years avoiding CES. For anyone with low-grade social anxiety or OCD-like tendencies toward cleanliness, the convention is a lethal combination — even if you love tech. Add cocktails into the mix, and you’ve got a real problem on y0ur hands.

But this year, HTC Vive asked me to host their official livestream from CES, and being the VR loving human I am, there was no way I could pass it up.

So off I went to Vegas, buckets of anti-bacterial hand sanitizer in tow, eager to see what the tech world would unleash onto 2017.

Thankfully, the trip was a real treat. While the showroom floor was a mixed bag, one thing was for sure — this CES was unrecognizable from 2012. The future is here.

For those of you who couldn’t make it out this year, here is my “Best-of-CES-Awards” list to properly award the various companies for their achievements annual achievements. In no particular order:

12. The Stoner’s Choice Award goes to MARS BY CRAZY BABY. Apparently the aliens from “Arrival” pooped on a bunch of audio speakers and decided to ship product to the masses. I have no idea if it works or sounds good, but I LOVE IT. Who doesn’t like stuff that levitates?!?

WISH LIST DESIRABILITY: 7/10

11. The Sexiest Tech Award goes to: SPARTAN SMART PANTS, or in layman’s terms: radiation blocking metal boxers. New studies show that storing a phone in your pant pockets can *possibly* lead to harmful cellphone radiation to the gonads, so this company has produced a metal-laced underwear that basically offers electromagnetic shield protections for your balls. Apparently the silver in the garment is also an antibacterial, so your junk stays fresher…longer. I’m not a man, so it’s the only thing I plan on purchasing from this year’s CES if for no other reason than I want to use my boyfriend as a human guinea pig. Does the underwear itch? Can it serve as a radio frequency transmitter? Will it go off in an airport metal detector? We don’t know, but I’m determined to find the answers. WISH LIST DESIRABILITY: sure?/10

CEO of Spartan Smart Pants, packing heat

10. The Most Boss TV Award goes to: LG’s OLED Wallpaper TV — if you’ve ever just wanted to say f*&# you to the 80’s, this is your jam. Not only is it only 1mm thick (for techies), but it’s made from organic material (for vegans) and sticks to the wall via magnets (for aliens). WISH LIST DESIRABILITY: 8/10

9. The Best Boyfriend/Pet/Child Replacement Award goes to KURI HOME ROBOT. If you find yourself frequently forgetting to feed your pet (sorry Tiggy), this robot might just be your solution. Not only is it terribly cute, but it recognizes faces and responds to voice commands. Not to mention it doesn’t get tired. Ever. WISH LIST DESIRABILITY: 10/10

8. The Most Awesome/Douchiest Car Ever goes to TOYOTA CONCEPT-i — I used to think that lamborghinis were so ridiculous looking that only an asshole would buy one, but then I saw this. This fully autonomous, AI-integrated robocar is so ridiculous, I actually like it. WISH LIST DESIRABILITY: we’re all going to die so why not/10

7. The You Suck Cable Award goes to: MOHU AIRWAVE. Take that Time Warner! Cord cutting millennials rejoice — you finally have a solution for integrating live broadcast TV with channels on popular streaming devices (i.e. AppleTV, Roku, iOS, etc.) No joke, I’ve been praying for this solution for 3+ years ever since I bought an antenna so I wouldn’t have to buy a cable package just to get the main broadcast channels. *tosses antenna* Thank you, Mohu. WISH LIST DESIRABILITY: 9/10

6. The Toys Just Got More Interesting Award goes to LEGO BOOST. As a kid, I always thought Lego’s were kinda lame. You build something, and then it just sits there until your cat pees on it. And scene. With Boost, kids can attach any Lego brick to bluetooth-enabled motors and sensors, turning your kids’ creations into talking, moving mechanical structures. WISH LIST DESIRABILITY: 7/10

5. The Chord Haters’ Award goes to: TPCast — a shout-out to my homies at HTC for investing in the VR ecosystem through their accelerator program. As a result, they are the first to unleash a wireless add-on for premium VR headsets, which means no more tripping over chords or having to “plug in” to enjoy a VR experience. WISH LIST DESIRABILITY: 9/10

4. The Gift from Heaven Award goes to: SLEEP NUMBER 360 SMART BED — from snore detection and adjustment to foot warming and smart alarm features that awaken you while in the lightest stage of sleep, this bed was a gift from God Himself. I have no idea what the price point on this sucker is, but consider me in. Signed, sealed, delivered. WISH LIST DESIRABILITY: PLEASE CAN I HAVE ONE/10

3. The Tech Alcoholic Award goes to: IGULU BREWING SYSTEM — for all my beer lovers out there, you can now brew your own beer from the comfort of your own home! Too bad I’m not a hops girl….I’ll just hold my breath for the vino version. WISH LIST DESIRABILITY: 7/10

2. The Insomniac Tech Award goes to: THE NIGHTINGALE SMART HOME SLEEP SYSTEM— LISTEN UP, NEW YORK CITY. No need to scream longingly at club goers on the street to shut up, this sleep system delivers 360 degrees of sound blanket coverage in your bedroom, protecting you and your loved ones from unwanted sounds. WISH LIST DESIRABILITY: I’LL TAKE IT/10

AND FINALLY….

  1. The One Piece of Tech You Never Knew You Needed ‘Cuz You Probably Don’t Award goes to: THE KERISTASE SMART BRUSH — for just $200, your brush will tell you if your hair is frizzy, dry, or breaking! (You can also just look in a goddamn mirror, but that’s no fun.) It’s got everything you’ll ever need from a hairbrush! A microphone to listen to the sounds of brushing, a gyroscope and accelerometer to analyze and count brush strokes, and haptic feedback for — okay, whudduhuh? Just no. WISH LIST DESIRABILITY: wtf/10

So there were my favorite products at CES this year. If you’d like to see my vlog capturing some my CES adventures, click here (I try to upload videos every Tuesday or Thursday.)

Also in 2017 — I’ll be posting bi-weekly blogs here on Medium and my Facebook. So if you’re into reading curious ponderings and ridiculous insights in the fields of tech, science, neuroscience, or psychology, follow here.

Happy New Year! 
Taryn

Taking photos with a Vive controller, like all people do.