How I admitted I am shallow.

For now.

For now” has been my helping hand for a while. When I was broke, sick, in love, lost my subway card or did not want to come out as pathetically devoted.

These exact words came to my mind today. I was rethinking my dating choices, leaned back in my chair and gazed into the wall of a high-rise just outside of my window. “I am shallow”.

For now.

Thinking of what others will say has never been just another brick in the wall. More like a part of the foundation. With all the insulting funny jokes and sharp comments, I am just being a little puppy jumping around: “Please, love me”. Only that you will never know what hit you…

Otherwise, laying star-fished in the bed and binge watching TV would have been completely acceptable for me. But I had to keep up with those active, funny and smart ones. The one behavior that nudged me over to the shallow side was the choice of friends. Or dates for that matter. My friends have to be smart (or smart-ass), charming, having some aspirations or doing some cool things (where they don’t even admit it’s cool). Maybe even good-looking or well-dressing. The problem is that friends come in all different sizes and shapes. Not all are cut for that shape. And here goes the story of the Cinderella: evil stepmom hides her under the bucket when the Prince comes looking. Same way, not all of the friends are cut out to be seen with in public. Or it will have to involve some secret eye-rolling and shrugging directed to the other ones.

Dates? I would gladly watch movies or cook with some of them. At home. Not all are suitable to be brought to the public eye.

Admitting is, hopefully, a sign I will grow out of it.

I am not shallow. I am just very young. For now.

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