I am reading a book called Women Who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown in order to understand what the hell happened to me in the last 6 months. I have never been so confused by a manifestation in my life. Now I get it, but it isn’t fun to gain awareness about something like this. It’s a very frightening wake up call. Also, I discovered that I am the poster child for the type of woman that psychopaths choose.
- Extraverted/successful career woman who has many self-confident traits.
- I seek excitement
- I am impulsive
- I am attracted to power and dominance in a partner so I can have someone to go had to head with
- I am competitive
- I am disorderly (free spirit)
- I am extravagant
- I can easily tolerate chaos
- I have an extreme ability to tolerate pain (mental, physical, emotional), stress and abuse, which is only accentuated by the fact that I can dissociate and numb out to pain due to my childhood/ PTSD.
- I have extremely high relationship investment (reward dependence) meaning that I am extremely invested in my relationships, deeply and passionately
- I am hyper- empathic. I have social sensitivity. In fact this is what I built my job around. I am extremely empathetic when it comes to any suffering or struggle. I never stop listening, helping and hoping/maintaining faith no matter how many times someone messes up
- I am extremely sentimental
- I throw myself into relationships and trust the other person instead of waiting and expecting them to earn trust
- I care a whole lot what other people think of me. I need them to regard me highly
- I have super high levels of anxiety (harm avoidance)
- I know my wants and express my desires openly. I tell men up front who I am, my pains and weaknesses and what I want in a man.
- I am cooperative and will do almost anything to be on the same page with someone else
- I’m friendly and approachable
- I’m supportive
- I have no boundaries
- I have a strong sense of morality. My conscience is very loud.
- I’m severely loyal to people, even after they break my trust
- I’m self directed
- I’m goal oriented
- I am not only self transcendent and spiritual… I teach and live this path for a profession.
- I find it easy to fall in love with someone’s potential and keep feeding off of the promise of who someone “could be” or “really is without his shadow”
- I’m highly sexual and I seek out and enjoy domineering sexual partners
- I’m susceptible to trauma bonding due to the fact that I was abused as a child… I have convenient triggers.
- I’m susceptible to hypnosis and trance because I have the ability to focus on one thing intensely at the exclusion of chaos or other things. And I have PTSD
- I am highly suggestible in relationships
- I have no problem being with someone I love 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I don’t feel a real need for “space”.
It was mind blowing to find out why the psychopath hand selects for each of these traits in their women and why I (with these traits) find psychopaths so attractive at first and stay with them even after their mask comes off.
The further away I get from this experience, the more blown away I am at the sick pathology of the relationship I was in with Fallon. It’s like waking up from a confused haze of having lost yourself. I feel like I’ve been in a trance for six months. I feel like my life is in ruins, physically, emotionally and mentally. There are two sides to Fallon, true Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde complex. I have been in two different relationships for the last four months. The amount of cognitive dissonance in my life right now is overwhelming. Fallon was checked into a psychiatric hospital last night. It is too hard to separate my own intense aversion to psych wards from his potential experience. I’m so connected with his wounded child aspect that I can’t stop worrying about him.
I have this recurring dream, where I am back with my childhood abuser. I’m trying to placate him and pretend I’m on his team so he won’t kill me and I can escape. In my opinion, it is the worst feeling a human can experience. I had that feeling so much as a child. But I have it even more now that I am away from the situation. This situation with Fallon has been so triggering that I have had that feeling all day long. I wasn’t able to do anything yesterday except read and follow along with my own “follow the feeling” process. I spent the entire day in bed. I’ve had no appetite recently. I’ve been fatigued and I’m plagued with anxiety attacks. It’s very frustrating to expect myself to “pull it together”. This has been the hardest break up of my entire life. Psychopaths cause anxiety on purpose through withdrawal, manipulation tactics and fighting with you. Then they relieve that same anxiety that they caused, which causes you to biochemically trauma bond with them. The result is that you link your sense of survival to them. And so your body tells you that you literally wont live if you’re without them. This is where I am right now. My life has been put on pause temporarily.
I feel a deep shame for being unable to walk the talk when it comes to positive thinking and transcendence. But I am admitting to the experience of this process, just in case there are any women who would benefit by the disclosure. I am one of the most self aware people I’ve ever met… but this experience has knocked me for such a loop that I’m second guessing everything I thought I knew about myself. I’m petrified of relationships now. I’ve never felt like that. Someone brought up dating with me today and my heart started beating and I got dizzy and felt like I couldn’t breathe. Basically, the only good thing I can say at this point is that in between grief waves, I’m seeing some of my tendencies in relationships that make me susceptible to this kind of experience. I’m recognizing the mistakes I made. This is a crucial step to learning. But this is the kind of pain that convinces you that there is never going to be an end in sight.