Twilight has lulled the town to sleep. The chapter of today is closing and I am glad to see it go. I’m hoping that the more days that pass between me and this grief, the better I will feel. The smells of cooking wind their way through the house. I have finished seeing people for the day. Even though I disconnect from myself and switch my frequency for my therapy sessions, it is much harder to do my job when I am in this mentality. When my own life is suffering, it’s hard to feel qualified to tell anyone else how to live their life more in alignment.
I am following my own advice and letting myself take time to grieve and be with the emotions as they arise as a result of this trauma. It’s a bit like having the flu on an emotional and mental level. You throw it up in waves. I’m still confused about all of this because I am still stuck in the shock of it all, but I have a suspicion. I talk often about the fact that healing happens in layers, like onion layers, until there are no more layers and we are free. My suspicion is that this situation is another layer of the onion. Specifically, the opportunity to break free even further and heal even further from my childhood abuse. I had the opportunity this time to stand up for myself against the abuse and break free of the holds that my a abuser had as a means of controlling and manipulating me. I had the opportunity to take steps towards ensuring my own safety, autonomy and self sufficiency at this time, instead of merely never standing up to him and then running away, like I did when I was 19. I couldn’t do any of this for myself as a child. I’ve always felt powerless to the world because of it. We will see in the days and months ahead if I am right.
Someone posted a comment on my wall yesterday that many of us are addicted to the feeling of intensity because high intensity matches the vibration of our nervous system. This causes us to need and want drama. It hurt to read that. It felt like they were calling me a drama queen, like I brought this upon myself. But I thought about that seriously because my life has been nothing but drama. A common saying since I was little is “Teal just can’t catch a break, it’s always one thing after the next for her”. And this is exactly how it has been. I vibrate at a level of extreme intensity, and I’m an extrasensory, so it would fit that I am a match to intense experiences (drama). I don’t want this to be the case for me anymore. The fact that I have PTSD makes me even more of a candidate for this issue. For years, my body has been flooded with stress hormones. During trauma, you are “on” all the time. You have a steady flood of adrenalin buoying you up. That is what kept you alive. Over time, your body gets used to that hyper-alert state. It compensates for the presence of those chemicals. Your new cells that are made in your body are full of more and more receptor sites for those specific neuropeptides. Your body and brain became accustomed to a steady diet of these energizing chemicals and now without them, life feels flat. You go into withdrawal. So the truth is, we are unintentionally and unknowingly addicted to the chemicals. My life has to be re structured deliberately, so that the goal of every minute is calm. This is hard to do in my line of work. But this will enable my body to slowly find homeostasis again and get over the addiction my cells have developed to stress chemicals.
I am eating a pomegranate seed by seed. It is the first enjoyment I’ve been able to find for four days. Pomegranates are magic to me. They like geodes of the fruit world. Layer upon layer of sweet tasting rubies. Each seed is like a precious edible gemstone. Their crimson juice gets everywhere. I eat so many of them during the winter time that it has become a joke in the household that I need to have a designated pomegranate-eating outfit, and rightly so.