I went out of body again last night, but this time I didn’t go in order to escape. I went out to see the bigger picture of the purpose for this situation between Fallon and myself. After coming back, I can clearly see my vibrational match for Fallon. And how he is a match for me. And after much deliberation, I’ve found it!
We both suffer from monophobia; and this is a reincarnation of my childhood abuser, who like Fallon is also a psychopath. Here’s how this goes:
Me: I had an inconsistently nurturing mother. She would vacillate between passively devaluing me, being hostile, and loving me. My home environment was extremely confusing and invalidating. So I doubted that she loved me. I felt confused by her and completely unable to self regulate or separate from her with confidence. When it came to establishing independence as a toddler, she would vacillate between shaming me for being selfish, congratulating me and frustratingly trying to push me into being more independent when I’d cling to her pant leg for dear life. I could not find autonomy because of it. I developed extreme separation anxiety as a toddler because of it. My mother was the byproduct of an incredibly invalidating father. He even disowned her for a time. So it is no great mystery why her parenting style ended up like it did.
My father learned his “hands off” approach to parenting from his parents. He was sent away to boarding schools as a child and was raised by wet nurses and nannies. He was a good father when it came to spending time with us and teaching us things about science. But he had no role in discipline. Despite the extreme personality conflicts between my mother and I, he let my mother take the lead role with parenting me and did not argue with her about any of her decisions when it came to me. To say that my father is diplomatically passive is an understatement. Growing up, he didn’t feel like an advocate, instead he felt like a mouthpiece for my mother.
I was confident being alone in the wilderness. I’d run off and play for hours at a time in the trees and with the horses. But when I was five, I became friends with a girl whose father was part of a satanic group. I stayed the night at her house, away from my parents, and she and I ended up being photographed in sadomasochistic pornography by her father. This is where the main perpetrator in my life first met me and subsequently targeted me, the very same man who was about to destroy my life for years after that first meeting. That was the end of my being able to sleep over at other people’s houses. I could not have sleepovers without having an anxiety attack and having to go home. When I was six, the psychopathic perpetrator who had met me at my friend’s house, made his first move. I was alone, riding my pink huffy bike. I was dragged into a Mormon stake house and raped. I tried to ride my bike home but couldn’t because I was bleeding and disoriented and so I rode into a nearby field and sat there as my reality crashed down around me. I grew up way too fast that day. Up until you get really hurt for the first time, you think your parents are like Santa Clause. They seem to always be there in the nick of time to save you. As if they are magically ever present. But there I was and my parents were nowhere to be found. And it hit me that the world was WAY more dangerous than I’d thought and that I was too small to win against it and that I was alone. More importantly, It was ingrained in my system that day that Alone = Unsafe. The basic theme of my childhood was that if I was away from my parents, I was getting hurt. Despite all the issues taking place in my relationship with my parents, they at least felt physically safe to me.
Having no suspicion that this childhood mentor could be a predator, they handed me off to him on a regular occasion. And so, I learned that my parents could not keep me safe. And so, I had to search for another person to “keep me safe”. I couldn’t find anyone. I had bonded to my perpetrator. It was a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome. But I still felt so unsafe in his presence and in my life that I started forming attachments to other boys and men. I have kept tight to this pattern ever since. I’m that girl who would go from one man to the next to the next to the next with no time in between (literally not even a full day). I’ve had so many relationships; I don’t even remember them all. In my teens and early twenties, I was notorious for “loading the bases”. I would keeping one primary man (safe person) and many waiting in the wings incase the primary man abandoned me. My need to be around that certain “safe person” who reassures me, and serves as both protector, and caretaker to me is so intense it is often debilitating. They are my sense of certainty, which is the most basic human need. So up until this point, it was literally not an option to be single. To me, relationship = survival. Yet again, this was compounded by the fact that my perpetrator, like so many perpetrators deliberately programmed me against self-care. Programming a person against self-care ensures that they will be dependent on you forever and thus be unable to leave. So, we’re programmed against doing dishes, feeding ourselves, paying across counters, doing laundry etc.
You see, at a fundamental level because of my childhood, I feel a fundamental lack of safety and an inability to look after myself. This is really the heart of monophobia. And it is why when my relationships end, I never stay single and my life falls apart and I suffer from debilitating panic attacks… Like the one I woke up in this morning. It is also why I tend to end up with emotionally abusive and psychopathic men like Fallon. When I was in the middle of my divorce with Mark, I was feeling emotionally starved and miserably lonely. I was suffering from long term stress. Psychopathic men insatiably seek women who are impaired in this way. Also, I am insatiably attracted to rescuers! But rescuers need you to be unhappy or unwell in order to serve a purpose. So, they may rescue you at first, but then they have to create problems and keep you sick or unhappy in order to continue rescuing you; so they become abusive. The bottom line is, the men who are eager and willing to jump into a relationship with me without dating me first, move in with me immediately and get married immediately, tend to be men who are extremely unstable emotionally themselves. They are rootless and without connections. Waiting for someone to take them in. Waiting to attach to a woman, like a parasite. My relationship with men is parasitic as well. This is the heart of co dependent relationships. Rather than symbiotic, these relationships turn into co-parasitic relationships. Where two dependent people attach to each other and suck each other dry, because neither knows how to survive in and of themselves.
Fallon: Fallon was one of six children. In a family of six children, there is never enough time or resources to go around. Babies often have to spend lots of time alone because the mother and father are attending to other children. He says he didn’t feel like she bonded with him. Fallon’s father was abusive. And Fallon’s mother, being a Mormon housewife was expected to manage the abuse as well as all six children while keeping a fake, sweet and happy demeanor. This is why the use and abuse of prescription pills is so prevalent among the Mormon housewife demographic. Fallon’s mother would vacillate between acting sugar sweet and flipping out at the children. Often, these “psychotic breaks” as Fallon calls them, would come out of nowhere as a result of built up pressure throughout the day. Fallon had many behavioral problems as a child, and he has struggled with rage since he was a toddler. When Fallon’s mother didn’t like what Fallon was doing, he was punished with alone time. And when Fallon was five, his mother began employing a technique where she would pull over to the side of the road and have the other family members push him out of the car, close the door and she would drive of a little, letting him stand there crying to get back in, threatening him with abandonment. He felt powerless. So, he wanted power and he began to abate his emotional distress by controlling other people. Fallon learned that the only way to assert himself and meet his needs and wants was to manipulate people. Fallon has the memory of “getting it” that all he had to do to feel powerful, get what he wanted and ensure his mother’s love and devotion was to act sweet, while manipulating her in back handed ways to get what he wanted. He remembers doing this in order to get the surgeries he needed, go to homeschool, get a computer, and get any of his needs met. On top of all of this, Fallon’s father was abusing him in her absence.
Fallon’s need to live parasitically with someone else in order to be dominant and never be left alone, coupled with the fact that he learned that back handed manipulation was the way to ensure that he would get what he wanted, made it so that he has employed this technique on every woman he has ever been with. He uses it to ensure that a woman will stay with him. He manipulates women so they cannot and will not leave him. It benefits him to find a dependent type woman (like I have been) because she is even less likely to leave him. He pretends to be everything she needs and wants, isolates her, and traumatizes her into being dependent on him to ensure that he will not be alone and that she will never leave him. Then, he begins manipulating her to get what he wants out of her and to feel a sense of power and dominance.
Fallon and I both have issues relative to human attachment and autonomy. For him, It’s psychopathology. For me, it’s monohpobia. I can’t believe I did not see it before. We’re never going to heal from the fear unless we face these issues. I have no idea how to do this yet. Having the support of our intentional community will help immensely I imagine. As will the other healing techniques we are both employing. I’m now seeing the bigger picture of why Fallon came into my life… To mirror this for me so I could set myself free from it.
The healing of this particular issue in my life is the next step in my personal life. It is a big part of my continual development as I lead this positive world change movement I have founded. I refuse to be debilitated for the rest of my life by this issue. And so the healing process begins. I am committed to doing it tenderly and lovingly towards myself, and I am committed to getting lots of support to do it. I’m going to be without a man for the first time in my life. And I’m going to become so empowered in that decision, that I am no longer a match to another psychopath. I never thought in a million years that I’d be saying that.