Plan For the Future, Even if You Don’t Feel Like It.
After posting our “end of chemo” announcement, all the hoorays and yays came flooding in. Somehow, the more that piled up congratulating us on this huge success, the more I felt sad and wary of the results. I just don’t feel like we’re out of the woods yet and it feels weird to be falsely celebrating. I’m working really hard on trying to be more positive about it but I’m committed to honesty here and I’m not going to sugar coat my anxiety about this. And in reality, Henry’s been throwing up and refusing to eat because he feels so nauseous. It’s still all very real for me as we clean up after him and try to help him battle the vicious chemo in his little body.
I realized though that I’ve been holding my breath and holding back with our future. Bottom line, I haven’t had faith. For months I’d been talking about a celebratory trip of sorts to visit some of my best friends when all the chemo was done. But I could never pull the trigger and buy the tickets. I kept thinking “what if his scans show there’s a remaining mass?” “What if his blood work doesn’t show him in a healthy range and we need to add on another round of chemo?” what if, what if, what if.
And then there’s my other half. My faithful and optimistic other half. Brent talked me through my fears and walked me through all the good things I would feel if I went on the trip- how these friendships would rejuvenate a very worn down Amber, how I would be able to step away from our routine of medicine and blood draws, that I would be able to just enjoy my favorite city. But still I said, “What if…?”
I just couldn’t let my fear of cancer still haunting us and the unknowns of the scans that are lurking around the corner. But as the day wore on yesterday and my Facebook and Instagram were full of positive rejoicing that we’re “done” I started to realize that I need to be more faithful. And that means acting. That means making plans. Moving on with the future. And always being brave enough to accept changes in the plan if that’s the case.
So, here goes to trying to be faithful and not fearful. Here goes to planning the trip to debrief on this trauma with some dear friends. And here goes to trying to move on from this whirlwind of distress, exhaustion, and grief. Plane tickets purchased. Passport papers submitted for Henry. Anticipation for the trip rising and faith restoring.