A Very “Supernatural” Birthday Pie
One of us here at Team Forklift had a very special birthday this week. RealmsWriter requested apple pie in lieu of cake. The only downside to pie versus cake is how do I decorate it? I get a little bit Nerd Martha Stewart around holidays and birthdays. (And by that I mean making complicated desserts, not insider trading.) While refreshing my memory about making filled pies (reading The Joy of Cooking’s comments on venting), I had the idea to somehow inscribe a Supernatural symbol into the top crust. Lots of my attempts at craftiness end up as #pinterestfails, but I was pretty happy with this for a first try. I originally wanted to make the anti-possession symbol to ensure that this pie was not only: 1) delicious, but also 2) demon-free. That turned out to be too difficult for this attempt, however, and I ended up doing a devil’s trap (I’m looking at you Deanmon).
Here are the basic directions:
Part 1: Make a pie crust. I modified the recipe on the filling can and referenced the filled pie section in The Joy of Cooking. I have made the apple filling from scratch before, but I knew I didn’t have time for that this round.
Pie crust tips:
- USE BUTTER — for real; it’s just better (unless you are a vegan or lactose intolerant, BUTTER, DAMN IT.
- SIFT THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF THAT FLOUR. Really, just do it.
- Get your water REALLY COLD, as in “What’s cooler than being cold?! — ICE COLD!!!” Seriously, put some ice cubes in that water.
- Wash your hands and USE YOUR FINGERS. That sounds kind of dirty, but for real, I find the best way to make the pastry crust is to let the butter warm to room temp a bit (not too soft, now) and then squeeze it into the flour until you have pea-sized amounts. Use a fork to blend in the ICE COLD water.
- Shape the dough into a BALL. (While doing this you have to shout ‘BALLS’ in Bobby’s voice. You just have to.)
- Chill dough 10–12 hours.
- Follow the rolling out directions in a good cook book such as The Joy of Cooking.
- Roll out the bottom crust and place in the pie dish. Do not prick crust (DON’T BE A PRICK). Instead, brush egg white on the crust.
- Heat your filling (really). Warm the apples up in the microwave if you are being lazy and using tinned apples.
- Pour the filling into the bottom crust.
Part Two: Making a Devil’s Trap Top Crust:
- Find an image of the devil’s trap.
- Using a ruler and pencil, draw or trace the image onto parchment paper like so:
3. Roll out the top crust.
4. Lay the parchment paper over the top of the crust.
5. Using the tip of a small, sharp knife, trace the design onto the crust. It’s okay if you don’t cut all the way through the crust.
6. Remove the parchment paper.
7. Cut narrow strips out (for venting) along the main lines of the devil’s trap.
8. Cut through the remaining symbols just enough to vent the pie and recognize the shape.
9. Carefully place the crust on to the filled pie. I ended up doing this in pieces and then pinching the sides together.
10. Brush the crust with egg white.
Part Three: BAKE THE SON OF A B*&%H.
- Bake that beautiful pie at 425 for about 40–45 minutes. I set a timer for 10–15 minutes and checked the crust at each interval.
- If crust is browning too quickly, place aluminum foil loosely over the top. (This also protects your pie from alien or government mind control — or so I’m told).
- Remove pie from oven (protect your hands!) and allow to cool for 1–2 hours.
- Serve with lots of ice cream, whipped cream, or if you are from the Midwest, a nice slice of cheddar cheese melted on top.
- YUM. Best pie ever. Just watch for demons you may have trapped. Demons are crunchy and smell like farts.