You are being evicted.
Don’t act surprised. You’re so damn proud of those “big brains,” so I know you understand the terms of our agreement. My rules have not changed for literally billions of years and if you don’t understand these natural laws by now, you only have yourself to blame. I wish it hadn’t come to this — you were acceptably good tenants for the better part of four million years — but you have tried my patience to its very end.
I remember when you came to the open house, bright eyed and full of hope. You were ecstatic about all the natural spaces. The expansive grasslands and verdant forests “called to you.” You were enthusiastic about sharing the space with all the other plants and animals, and that enthusiasm was contagious. I couldn’t wait to see what you’d do with the space!
The “hanging gardens” were amazing — a masterful mix of what makes you special, and what makes this place wonderful. Those giant stone triangles were abstract, but very cool. Some of the statuary is honestly a bit narcissistic and turning Glen Canyon into a giant lake was a little avant garde for my taste… but I digress. The point is: I didn’t care that you redecorated.
I didn’t mind when you started domesticating all the plants and animals. I was patient with you after you figured out how to start fires and burned down a few forests. I looked the other way as you dug all those holes to get drinking water. I didn’t even protest when you started putting those stupid “castles” and “roads” everywhere… but in the last 200 years or so you’ve changed.
Back in the day you’d burn a little coal here and there. I didn’t judge you. I get it: It feels good to use a little coal. You wanted to smelt some metals, make some swords, no big deal. But, you’re an addict now. You’re literally using the stuff non-stop. And when the coal isn’t enough you’re using oil, and even splitting atoms just to get your fix. You’re not even that careful about it!
Remember Chernobyl? Remember Fukushima? What about Deepwater Horizon?
Look, I don’t have time to list all the shit you’ve fucked up. You know what you did and everyone knows you’re out of control. Your time is up.
Maybe you’ve read a story about a big flood. Noah’s flood. Gilgamesh’s flood. Ring any bells? Well buckle up because that shit is 100% real and headed your way. You think this is the first time I’ve hit the reset button on some bad tenants? Guess again you little shits.
Remember Grapholites? Trilobites? Tabulate coral? What about the dinosaurs, do you remember them? No, you don’t. You couldn’t possibly remember any of them because I froze, incinerated, exploded, and flung asteroids at those ungrateful fuckers millions of years before I offered you the lease. You just dug up the fossilized corpses I left laying around — which I honestly thought would have been warning enough of what might happen if you violated the terms of our agreement.
You think it’s bad now? You’re hurting over a couple years of drought and some big scary wildfires? You ain’t seen nothing yet. And don’t even start with any of that tenants’ rights shit you’re so proud of inventing. If you so much as whisper the word “lawyer” I swear to me I will I will make Mount Saint Helens look like a firecracker and Hurricane Katrina look like a gentle breeze.
Do not test me.
You have ten years to pick up your trash and get off my rock. If you do not comply I will remove you myself.