Election Day 2016 Drinking Game! LOL!

Unfortunately, I’m fresh out of optimistic, tongue-in-cheek zingers to help mollify your guilt and horror as the looming specter of America’s newfound mass mediocrity threatens to swallow us all. I am fucking sick and tired of all of your goddam bull shit — the scandals of the day, the warped perspectives, the sudden and amazing phenomenon by which every one-drink deep asswad at every bar in America is suddenly a Washington insider and the sole capable interpreter of Western political thought and the hand-wringing. Fuck you all kindly. I have come to loathe this clownish election and the gimpy machinations by which voters struggle to assert their relevance by regurgitating and quipping about stupid bull shit. Myself included.

So let’s drink to this:

1. Drink if you can picture either side contesting the results of the election because they’ve convinced themselves that they alone have the moral high ground and the nation will cease to exist if their puff-and-bluster, bag-of-shit candidate isn’t elected.

2. Drink if you still can’t believe the Republican Party has allowed this fat, spiritually ugly, punch line of a human being to represent their own grotesque brand of Rand Paul meets Sir Walter Scott meets David Duke bull shit.

3. Drink if you realize that the GOP isn’t the only party that has managed to destroy itself this election cycle.

4. Drink if you can see past the wishful thinking, entrenched ignorance, flagrant bigotry, infantile evangelicism and evolutionary recalcitrance of your average Trump voter to see the manifestation of over a century worth of disenfranchising industrialism further scoured by the acid rain of post-modernity.

5. Drink if you feel like Paul Ryan’s big picture sounds nice, but the quixotic particulars are an absolutely fucked love letter to the metaphorical cock of big business.

6. Drink if, all things (especially legislative obstructionism) considered, you have absolutely zero faith in a Clinton administration to unfuck healthcare.

7. Drink if you wouldn’t piss on fire to save the lives of big pharma fentanyl and oxy pushers who are lobbying to defeat medical marijuana.

8. Drink if you’re aware that any hypothetical deity such as Jesus Christ couldn’t possibly give a fuck about bringing new lives on to this shitty, overcrowded rock.

9. Drink if you can picture James Comey updating his resume on LinkedIn even as we speak.

10. Drink if you think the speed bumps in Hillary Clinton’s political career are definitely indicative of an unspoken but prevalent bias against capable and vocal women in these United States.

11. Drink twice if you worry that perfectly valid criticisms of Hillary Clinton were silenced beneath the blanket of “sexism” during this election cycle.

12. Drink if you’re staggered by global instability but accept that such is the price of America’s diminished status in the post-Iraq world.

13. Drink if you understand that soft power is not an awe-inspiring ideology of unilateral global domination but a give and take that eventually saves military resources and diplomatic clout while destining us to a likely future war to end all wars.

14. Drink if you feel like the opposition party secretly has more power than the administration to sway the whims and fancies of public discourse in a nation full of entitled children.

15. Drink if polls are closed in at least one state on election day due to a rash of gun violence.

16. Drink if you stay awake at night thinking about our nation’s coming Civil War because you can’t fix stupid with an inauguration.

17. Drink if you’ve got someone in your life who implores you to check out Breitbart or Alex Jones to see “what’s really going on.”

18. Drink if you share a roof with aforementioned idiot.

19. Drink twice if you’ve brought their child into this world.

20. Drink if Nate Silver can go fuck himself.

21. Drink if you feel like the media concocted this entire contentious circle jerk to ensure high ratings well into next year.

22. Drink if Mike Pence is quietly the scariest mother fucker on the planet.

23. Drink half a bottle of jager, lay in the shower and puke all over yourself if you honestly think uniformly empowering more white people is going to make America better.

24. Drink if you’re absolutely, shitting blood, praying-it’s-an-ulcer sick of this two and a half year long election.

25. Drink if you miss Eric Cantor, that little egomaniacal sadist.

26. Drink if you wouldnt trust Debbie Wasserman Schultz with your colostomy bag.

27. Drink if you think Donald Trump couldn’t find a pussy in a no-kill shelter.

28. Drink if Duterte reminds you of a prostitute who says they’re going to change their life around but really just means they’re going to find a new pimp who will beat them twice as hard.

29. Drink if you can still distinguish between “freedom” and corporate deregulation.

30. Drink if you feel like our culture has failed us more than our political process.

31. Drink if you feel like over-population is the most important and unspoken bugaboo facing humanity.

32. Drink if you sincerely hope there are alien overlords.

33. Drink if you feel like guns are no longer necessary in our society but still feel like buying one just the same.

34. Drink if you’re dumb enough to think the NFL is a proper arbiter of mass values.

35. Drink if you think Ruth Bader Ginsberg will outlive John McCain.

36. Drink if you think this election is going to go into extra innings.

37. Drink if the Cubs’ victory meant nothing to you.

38. Drink if you can’t wait for the next presidential election cycle to begin on Wednesday.

39. Drink if you pray this life is just a waking dream, an allegory for deeper and more unsettling instances of chaotic structural entropy far beyond the pitiful purview of our human perceptions.

40. Drink if you fucked Anthony Weiner.

41. Drink if you still think our agrarian, pre-industrial, Bacon-fellating founding fathers are still rhetorically relevant in our cluster fuck of a world.

42. Drink if its completely unacceptable to wish bodily harm on a presidential candidate (except by his own hand in a public place on Thursday morning after he concedes).

43. Drink if Trey Gowdy’s head is in danger of collapsing in on itself.

44. Drink if you laugh at every natural disaster that befalls Oklahoma because those cucumbers are dumb enough to elect James Inhofe.

45. Drink if you’re drunk enough to think the GOP is actually the party of Lincoln.

46. Drink if you think this changes anything.