Hey there sweetheart… you know? I don’t think it’s possible to be honest about your feelings without showing some of that contradiction you’re talking about… especially given the circumstances of your relationship with your Dad.
It was complicated, fraught with anger, resentment, physical and emotional abuse for years, and then finally the acceptance, forgiveness, and the ability to love and learn from him, despite, or perhaps in spite of, all the problems and mistakes of the past.
I say you need to write it out. Grieve for him in the only appropriate way — the way you feel, at that moment, on that day. Get mad, get sad, be loving or be resentful. Get verbose or go silent. Be happy he’s gone one minute, and impossibly missing him the next. It’s entirely up to you and how you need to process your feelings. All of it is not only appropriate? It’s what you need to do to heal…
As complicated as your relationship was, so shall your grieving process be complicated. And I, for one, am learning from your grief about how to deal with the loss of someone for whom I have very intense feelings, both positive and negative. My father is not a narcissist, but, he is an alcoholic and has been drinking longer than I have been alive... When drunk, he is abusive both physically and emotionally. When sober is is warm, affectionate and funny. Trying to understand both the man and the disease is difficult on any given day. He’s seventy seven now, battling melanoma, and I know it won’t be long before I will be dealing with the same struggles you are currently facing.
I am not only looking forward to your entries in your Dead Dad Diaries? I know I will continue to learn from them in a way that is a rare gift.
Like Sassy said..? Bring it..! ❤