Wherever he is, I hope he’s well

“Brian” and I (2010)

My friends and I did a lot of bad shit in college. Much of which is still well within the statute of limitations laws. So, at my legal team’s discretion, I will spare you the grizzly details. But fear not, my children, for I have a tale for you. It’s not about me specifically but rather an old friend. For the sake of confidentiality, we’ll call him, “Brian”. But there’s something you need to know about Brian. Before he met us, Brian didn’t do bad shit. He didn’t smoke or drink or attempt to have sex with every girl he…


Brandt Jean embraces Amber Guyger after his victim impact statement

For the past week, I’ve painfully followed the trial of Amber Guyger, a white, now ex- Dallas police officer who fatally shot Botham Jean after mistaking him for an intruder in his own apartment.

Amber Guyger was subsequently convicted of murder and sentenced to 10 years in prison.

A sentence which many, including myself, thought was a slap on the wrist. After the trial, Botham’s brother, Brandt Jean, was allowed to address Amber in a victim impact statement.

“I love you as a person, and I don’t wish anything bad on you.” Said, Brandt.

“Can I give her a hug…


Mourning the death of a bachelor pad I thought I’d eventually grow out of.

My apartment locator sent me ten or so listings that matched my budget and amenity preferences. Which, mind you, was just above the poverty line. I applied online to the first listed apartment. The following week, a leasing agent called to let me know that I’d been approved. And just my luck, they were running a $200 move-in special.

My smile stretched from temple to temple. I sat in my car, watching dozens of “how to ask for a money order” videos on YouTube. After I got the money order, I watched another video because I wasn’t sure where to…


I thought the love was real

Some black kid- obviously in pain.

My life is best described as a series of unfortunate events that were completely avoidable. When I was 7, I almost severed my finger after closing it in my mother’s sliding door van. I used peroxide and a band-aid in lieu of stitches. When I was 10, I was hit by a car after ignoring the basic fundamental of looking both ways before crossing the street. And when I was 15, I thought I found the love of my life on Myspace.

The year was 2005- the Mcdouble was the greatest burger ever engineered and Ja Rule was on the…


Their phone is not a tool of leverage for your insecurities

Don’t Do It!

Our phones are digital repositories of private information, intimate thoughts, and obscure memes. Regardless of the nature of your digital footprint, the contents of your phone belong to you. There are those who believe this right is relinquished when we consent to a committed relationship.

News Flash: It ain’t!


Wayne doesn’t want to leave; he wants us to remember him as he was. And he almost did it.

Album Art

After years of rumored release dates, a nasty legal battle with his stage father and former label, and a brief acquisition by Martin Shkreli, Lil’ Wayne’s twelfth studio album, Tha Carter V has been released. It couldn’t have come at a better time for the 36-year-old emcee. The once unanimous king of hip-hop has been everything but that in recent years.

The last time Weezy had a number one album, our Black president was gearing up for his re-election campaign, Snapchat was not available on Android devices, and The RIAA did not supplement digital streams for gold and platinum album…


Look Familiar?

Are you being continually ghosted after the first date? Chances are it's your fault. But don’t worry, I got you covered.

But First: Are you, like, a person? Yes? To prove it here’s an unnecessary captcha to verify your humanity.

Note: Bots will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law


Swiper The God

The first time I shoplifted, I almost got away with it. I attempted to slide a Reese’s peanut butter cup in my pocket.

Unbeknownst to me was a clerk who was watching me on camera the entire time. Which was kind of racist. I just happened to be stealing that day. It was completely coincidental. Before I could make it out the store, the clerk removed her klan hood and made me put the Reese’s back.

She had burning crosses for eyes. Though I was terrified, there was a soft vibration that ran through my body. Blood rushed through my…


A jar of patriotism

Montana- Firefighters responded to a two-alarm fire on the condiment aisle inside a Wal-Mart on the 7100 block of Elgin road.

Despite crew’s quick response, seventy-nine jars of mayonnaise curdled in the blaze.

A bottle of Hidden Valley creamy chipotle ranch, who did not want to be identified, said the ordeal started when Micky McMayonnaise became angry when Nike revealed former NFL quarterback and kneeling aficionado, Colin Kaepernick would be one of the featured faces for their 30th anniversary ‘Just Do It’ campaign.

“He kept going on and on how he was going to boycott Nike. Which I thought was…


An obvious black doctor

Doctors are tapping their off-beat feet to a rare heart murmur found during a routine checkup. When Diane Johnson went in for her annual physical, she was expecting her doctor to recommend scaling back on sugar and recreational drug use. Instead, she got a death sentence when her doctor discovered her heart goes “ba-dum, boo’d up biddy-da-dum, boo’d up.”

The average human heart should sound like the Law and Order “dun dun” on a continuous loop. While heart murmurs have been known to vary, Ms. Johnson’s unique heartbeat has the production value of a top-40 radio hit.

“In my 12…

Terrance Thomas

I write things. Great things. Things you would like.

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