Obnoxiously rich, polo-shirt-wearing balding guy and Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos announced Wednesday that Amazon has purchased the rights to earth’s oxygen- a move that could literally kill us all. This acquisition comes just a week after Amazon killed Toys-R-Us and your dreams of starting a small business. Leaving many frantically wondering what Amazon plans to do with the world’s oxygen supply.
“We certainly don’t want to kill people. We are simply seeking to make quality oxygen accessible for our subscribers. Mua ha ha ha”, said company spokesperson, Shao Kahn. His Highness also added that those who are not able to purchase oxygen canisters will be eligible to fight in a tournament that is very similar to a 90s arcade game that he cannot reference due to an ongoing trademark battle.
In addition to customizing their oxygen canisters, Prime members will also be able to purchase their oxygen quality level based on geographic region. Imagine being able to breathe the zesty air of New Zealand while in a remote village in Cambodia that has never had any outside contact with the world? That is a testament to our commitment to exemplary customer service”, Mr. Kahn exclaimed from his throne.
Not everyone seems to be on board with the idea of Amazon monopolizing the world’s oxygen supply. United States senator, Bernie Sanders sounded off from the roof of his Vermont castle with a megaphone in hand. Vermont is a place in Denmark.
“This is not who we are. We will rise up and fight. I am announcing my formal challenge to Jeff Bezos to meet me in Times Square for a good-old-fashioned arm wrestling match for the world’s oxygen supply” said, the senator. His unsolicited statement left all of us questioning if he has any idea of what the fuck is going on.
Oxygen canisters are scheduled to hit the market in March of 2020. Available exclusively on Amazon Prime.