Fuck This Adult Shit

La’Dennis The Menace to Society is not amused

I’ve been considered an adult by law for about… carry the one… combine like terms… 9 years, 9 months, and 28 days. That’s 27 years of seemingly (in)significant existence, for my fellow remedial math students.

As I approach my 10-year “Adultiversary”, I am beginning to realize that I have no idea what I’m doing. Society generally gives most people a six to seven year window in their 20s to amount to shit. You get an eight-year window if you’re good looking. I fear that my boyish good looks are finally wearing off.

Because people are starting to ask me tough questions like, “Did you watch Dateline last night?” I did, actually. Shit was bananas. But that’s not the point!! I thought I had more time.

This morning, I woke up at 5:30 AM, (it’s a time that apparently exists before 6:00 AM) to get ready to go to a place that pays me a minuscule amount of its total revenue in exchange for 40 hours of weekly servitude.

What more do you want from me!!

I use that minuscule amount to pay rent for an apartment, that spikes +$25 every year, because, The Powers That Be(™) know that the only thing worse than the apartment market is the housing market. Yeah, sure, homelessness sucks, too

Congratulations, Baby Boomers you have successfully destroyed the world for future generations!! Can you imagine the conversations I’m going to have with future generations? “You should consider yourself lucky that there are no more schools or civilization, Ja’Darius.” Back in my day, we had to take out subsidized predatory loans to go to college”

And has anyone seen the prices of avocados lately? Want to know the real reason why they’re so expensive? Because white people use them as toast spread now.

Whew! Who left this soapbox here?

Fun Fact: I don’t know how to swim or play Yahtzee!

I’m actually content with not knowing how to play Yahtzee. It’s the Raisin Bran Crunch of board games. “Hey, let’s play Yahtzee!” said, no one ever. But not knowing how to swim? Come on! Fucking babies can swim! Literal shit floats! Me? Well, not so much.

When I’m not slaving for the man or drowning in the shallow end of the kiddie pool, I’m on the internet — listening to 90s R&B or Googling shit like, “Can I get someone pregnant with my precum”. You can’t, by the way. Don’t believe me? Stop right here and Google it. Nah. It’s cool. I’ll wait…

See! Told you.

The only people who actually believe that are the people who tell you that eating raw cookie dough ups the risk of salmonella poisoning. These are the same people who pour A1 sauce on the carcasses of bloody cows. These are also the same nasty people who don’t wash their hands after touching their genitalia. These are not people who I’m interested in getting a lesson in ethics or pull out practices from.

In short, Adulthood is essentially a carousel. Only the carousel music has been replaced by Hoobastank songs and the horses are trying to eat you. Don’t grow up, kids. A life of performing monotonous regimens in the hopes of survival awaits you. Then you die.

Well, that was hopeful

I suppose the one great thing I’ve accomplished is not bringing a life into this wretched world. I’m also a drug free D.A.R.E. program graduate. But that’s only due to extenuating circumstances. Those circumstances being that drugs are expensive. And there’s also a little passage in my HR policy about being drug free that I signed.

This guy gets it!

I hate to end my writings on a bleak note. So I will muster the strength from that peanut butter and jelly sandwich I ate for lunch. Don’t feel sorry for me. I was just too lazy to pack anything else for lunch. I’m poor, but I’m not like, poor poor. There’s a difference.

I guess what I really mean when I say, “fuck this adult shit” is that I wonder sometimes if the world I inherited has already seen its best of days.