Heart Murmur Discovered After Woman’s Heart Goes “ba-dum, boo’d up biddy-da-dum”

An obvious black doctor

Doctors are tapping their off-beat feet to a rare heart murmur found during a routine checkup. When Diane Johnson went in for her annual physical, she was expecting her doctor to recommend scaling back on sugar and recreational drug use. Instead, she got a death sentence when her doctor discovered her heart goes “ba-dum, boo’d up biddy-da-dum, boo’d up.”

The average human heart should sound like the Law and Order “dun dun” on a continuous loop. While heart murmurs have been known to vary, Ms. Johnson’s unique heartbeat has the production value of a top-40 radio hit.

“In my 12 years of medicine, I have never heard a heart murmur this damn catchy. Most heart murmurs are emotionless cadences and vibrations. But Ms. Johnson has the type of heart murmur that gets me in my feelings. So deep in my feelings. We could probably save her, but then we’d have to wait until next summer for another banger, ” said Dr. David Kilpatrick, a cardiologist at Hopkins Hospital for the Uninsured.

Two similar cases were discovered last month. While doctors are reluctant to call this a murmur cluster, researchers are studying these patients to see if a common link exists.

“I mean, she’s probably going to die. That’s just how medicine works. People die and we learn more stuff. What can you do?” said Jason Hall, an unpaid university researcher.

Doctors recommend checking your resting heart rate 2–3 times a week. For more information, visit the first link that popped up in my Google search.

Update: Ms. Johnson died just before this article was published.