How To Not Get Ghosted After The First Date
Are you being continually ghosted after the first date? Chances are it's your fault. But don’t worry, I got you covered.
But First: Are you, like, a person? Yes? To prove it here’s an unnecessary captcha to verify your humanity.
Note: Bots will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law
Congratulations, you’re a human. Without further ado: Your blueprint to a second date.
- Don’t tell 90s “Yo Mama” jokes.
There was a time when insulting someone’s mother would incite immediate laughter. It was a fun time. That time has passed. People have assault rifles now. So even if your date’s mama is so ugly she makes blind kids cry, just keep it to yourself. Because they may “ghost” you with their assault rifle.
2. Make your date sign a non-compete dating agreement.
In a world where people can literally swipe their next date, you need protection. A non-compete ensures your potential love interest will not seek a more viable candidate. And if they do, drown them in litigation. They could have drowned in your love. But Noooooo.
3. Be fucking amazing.
Amazing people don’t get ghosted. If you’re wondering if you’re amazing or not; it’s the latter. You’re taking dating advice from a guy on the internet. But that doesn’t mean you can’t fake the funk. Exaggerate your accomplishments. Lie about your life experiences. Order lobster. If the restaurant you’re at doesn't have lobster, order jumbo shrimp. They’re cousins. Oh, and use words like “Curator” and “Absolutely.” Now let's use it in a sentence.
“I am absolutely a curator.”
4. Be Emotionally Unavailable.
If your emotions are not invested, it voids the ghost. The only people who get ghosted are people who care. Feel nothing. Expect nothing. Want nothing. Your date may ignore the glaring warning signs and mistake your emotional immaturity for mystique.
5. Pay your date for all future interactions.
It may seem desperate, but incentives make the world go ‘round. What you lose in currency, you will gain in human interaction. And we both know you could use that.
That’s all I got! Good luck!