Jars of Mayonnaise Revolt After Nike Names Kaepernick As Campaign Face

Terrance Thomas
Sep 4, 2018 · 1 min read
A jar of patriotism

Montana- Firefighters responded to a two-alarm fire on the condiment aisle inside a Wal-Mart on the 7100 block of Elgin road.

Despite crew’s quick response, seventy-nine jars of mayonnaise curdled in the blaze.

A bottle of Hidden Valley creamy chipotle ranch, who did not want to be identified, said the ordeal started when Micky McMayonnaise became angry when Nike revealed former NFL quarterback and kneeling aficionado, Colin Kaepernick would be one of the featured faces for their 30th anniversary ‘Just Do It’ campaign.

“He kept going on and on how he was going to boycott Nike. Which I thought was weird considering none of the condiments have feet or clothes, but whatevs. Next thing I know, all of the mayos are getting riled up. Then, someone suggested setting themselves on fire to protest. And it was over before it began. I was forced to jump to the bread aisle for safety”, recalled the bottle of Hidden Valley creamy chipotle ranch.

Store officials are worried last night’s protests may become a dangerous trend amidst the controversy. Raisins and deli made potato salad will remain under close observation.

Wal-Mart will resume normal operations, though breathing apparatuses are recommended.

Terrance Thomas

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