An Open Breakup Letter to Fax Machines

Dear Facsimile,

I think it’s time we see other technologies.

It’s not you, it’s me. I feel like my need to digitally express myself has changed since we first met. You’ve been incredible, what with your sending 81/2x11 paper with letters on it. But my friends are really pushing this digital collaboration stuff on me, and what they’re saying makes a lot of sense.

I’ll always cherish your horrid ring blasting in my ears whenever I accidentally called you. Who doesn’t love the nostalgia of calling a friend who’s crowding the internet line with AOL chat? And that sheer terror I felt when you started printing while we were the only ones in the office? Hauntingly beautiful.

Remember when I used to beat you like a pinata when you weren’t working right? Or when we almost killed the environment by wasting so much paper (not to mention time, ha!) printing every bit of information only to file it away in those cluttered cabinets? Good times. We’ll always have that.

So don’t take this personally but — You know what? Screw it. This is exactly what you’d want! It’s just like you to make me feel bad about moving on! It’s that same game you always play that somehow keeps you on half of everyone’s business cards! Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life!

Sigh… Alright, I’m cool.

I actually do feel a little bad about this. But let’s face it, you suck. I don’t love you anymore. You’re just in the way. And I actually kind of hate you. But this shouldn’t come as a surprise. Really, you’ve been obsolete ever since we could digitally scan files and email them to anyone, anywhere.

Sure, in ’87 you were all the rage. Everyone just had to have you! You were irresistible! My parents absolutely loved you. But now, Sweet Facsimile, you’re about as useful as a sack of bananas — minus the nutritional value, of course.

This break-up has been about 15 years in the making. There’s no need to act surprised. Besides, you’ll still have plenty of IRS employees and elderly dentists to share your “classic” ways with. I’ve just moved on.

They say parting is such sweet sorrow, but this feels really good. I don’t need you. I will never need you! I’m way better off without you. Go rot in a RadioShack, Fax Machines.


Everyone Under 50

Originally published at on November 13, 2015.