My eyes are open. I’m staring into a well of nothingness. I’ve been at this place way too many times before. I imagine it’s space and I want to see how far I can drift among the stars. It looks so beautiful … so safe. It’s calling me. It’s trying to suck me in but I hang back trembling.
It would be so easy to just give in. To fall into sweet emptiness, to not feel, to not worry, to not care, to simply shut it all out. The fighting, the noise, the light, but more so the loneliness, the emptiness and worthlessness I feel trying to claw its way out. But in the distance I can see their little faces, sense their innocence, their unconditional love, I feel their need for me, like when I needed my parents but they weren’t there. I can’t shut their little faces out. I must not. I cannot. I must return.
But what would happen if for just a moment or two, I let myself drift just for a bit? I close my eyes, I breathe, I smile, don’t look back, don’t. It’s so tempting. My heart is racing. I feel lighter. Oh the sweet nothingness. I can feel myself drifting. There’s a calm flowing over me and their voices grow distant. I’m in a state of ataraxia.
Mommy? Mommy I’m hungry…
I come crashing back to reality. I’m still standing at the edge. I’m scared. I look back, I can’t and will not allow them to hurt as I did. It’s not healthy but I must paste on my smile and carry on. They need me. They need me. They need me. I step back and I walk towards my babies. I will not look back to that well of nothingness. I keep walking but I can still feel it beckoning me back. I throw the sheets to the side and I lethargically crawl from my bed.
The battle is real.
But I know how to win, I have to want to for me but at this moment I don’t know if I want to? I just exist is a place of numbness.