I’m no expert and definitely no writing major, but I had to share this journey in hopes that someone else does or can relate.
Hi my name is Tokyo,
I recently created a “truth video” that disclosed everything i was hiding about myself and my lifestyle. It in a way “came out” about the pretending i was doing on social media. This was all in an attempt to kill Tokyo. See it's a persona. A character, one who was always positive always “on!” Well this becomes harder and harder to hold up when things aren’t going well financially in your life. So when I lost the Angry Panda “my drift/race car” it truly took its toll on me as I was faced with the truth… That all that pretending left me too broke to fix what really mattered most.
This realization really made me wake up to the reality I was ignoring/ running away from. I didn’t like the way my reality made me feel, and that it was also my fault. This is what I call a double whammy negative. So can you blame me for wanting to put up a false reality on social media and around my car friends? To put the icing on the cake two more things happened that really sunk me to rock bottom: One was that during october and november it felt like all of the drivers from Hyperdrive, (a reality car competition show on Netflix) I competed with where at this big event that happens every year called SEMA, This along with seeing their Instagram profile sky rocket in to the 6 figure digits and some 7 figures, really hit hard as I literally could count the 154 new followers I had gained from the publicity… Part of which is because I didn't make it to the finals, the other is probably because the Angry Panda is a “Driftrat” inspired by old school rat rods it has no front end with teeth in the front and no hood or fenders.
It has no cool exterior parts or name brand wheels to make it appeal to mainstream standards. So why follow something or someone so unappealing? Secondly, I went against my better judgement and met up with a girl I used to talk to and it was an emotional hell for me in the end. After hearing her back to me about how she’s now a date-a-holic, and what felt like bragging about her many options because she hates being alone. (yet here I am with no options, every chick I want to talk to is taken or does not find me attractive.) This was the bullet between the eyes, the stab and twist into the chest.
All of this left me completely distraught and unmotivated to even socially exist anymore. Notice I said not socially exist; see I have never wanted to self harm, but for sure wanted to disappear from existence. Become invisible as I am left with my flaws and mistakes that have manifested into what we call present moment. Worst of all I have no excuse for any of this. Like no bad childhood, no substance abuse, nothing! I could blame getting made fun of throughout my life for thinking different or for being too white once I moved from Leawood KS to south Kansas City, MO. I could as that would explain the lack of self esteem that forced me to over-index on being fancy to win public approval. But at the end of the day I think it comes down to the immature me trying to short cut into success because I had no self worth.
Truth is I have been the cause of my humanity. It started with me refusing to blend in with everyone else. I wanted to fit in but didnt want to change who I am. I wanted the hot chicks but didn't want to be a asshole or play the game to get them. So I carried a chip on my shoulder and then blamed everyone for my pain and misery. Truth is I have never been happy. I have been chasing it based on mainstream examples for a long time. Mind you I have no way of being able to escape this negative emotional experience, I don't get high, I’ve never drank, and don't take pills. So it is constantly facing me. Everything I think I want but can’t have. This, then drives the “comparison habit” a very bad habit that is detrimental to self image. By seeing guys that have the girl, or seeing dudes in suits driving Ferraris, or driving past fancy houses in the Mission hills of Kansas and just seeing those who have “made it.” then question myself like “why the hell can’t I get it together!? What's wrong with me?!” These are the questions that constantly bounce around in my head.
Slowly, I’m beginning to figured it out…
