What Being In A Long Distance Relationship Taught Me

You are in one, aren’t you? I mean you’re in a long distance relationship, right? Or are you just curious as to what it’s like being in one? Let’s assume you aren’t in a long distance relationship, maybe (just maybe), there’s someone you know you desire. This person understands you completely. They get your sense of humor. Basically, they are perfect for you. In a cold world, this person seems to be the only one to meet your standards. You can just tell how amazing this person is by reading through their page and chatting with them. To top this, you know you like this person. And guess what, love bug? They like you too! But what could possibly be wrong with such a perfect love story? Many things, actually. But I’ll be talking about just one of the things that could possibly be wrong in a relationship: distance or better still, long distance. Distance is defined as “the length of the space between two points.” What happens when this “space” is an entire ocean, a different translation of time or worse, a different perception of reality? To be quite frank with you, I don’t know which is worse between being in a long distance relationship and having to explain (to whomever it may concern) that my significant other lives far away. But I went through it. You may be wondering why. It wasn’t that evident to me. I wasn’t planning on getting into a long distance relationship but it just happened. What I do remember was lying next to him and telling him why I feared giving him a chance. I remember saying that whenever I’m in a relationship, I always feel alone. Mainly because my efforts are not matched by a quarter. That isn’t even my biggest fear. My biggest fear is living a lie. But I liked him. So I listened to him. He seemed decent and more importantly he was my friend. I listened to him carefully. He seemed real and I wasn’t the only. person that could attest to that. My friends liked him. It wasn’t a bad idea. We knew each other, we were fond of each other, we had seen each other. What could possibly go wrong?

People generally are not nice with their comments. I had to experience this one last time before I decided to retreat to my space. No matter how much they saw me putting effort into making my relationship work, I still couldn’t help but sense their unbelief. “Are you sure you can trust him?”, “I could never be in a long distance relationship’’, “ I need to feel my partner close to me.” , ‘’ long distance relationships don’t work” .. The best of them all would be “ Couldn’t you find anyone closer to you?” Every single one of these statements was like a mini stab to my chest but I carried it like it a don and continuously had to give myself a pep talk so I wouldn’t find myself being insecure. When I heard these things, I felt bad. Not because I personally believed my relationship would fail but more because my confidence kept going up and down the scale. “Couldn’t you find anyone closer to you?” as if I was so lame that I couldn’t date someone closer. “Oh, you’re going to see him again? Why isn’t he coming to see you?”. I tried to not care about what people said, I genuinely taught I was happy until life reminded me of how unfair it actually is. I knew I wasn’t infatuated. I mean he promised to not hurt me. As the months went by, I watched and he was putting in effort. So far he was doing better than the last 3 guys. Though he was far away, we were so close that it didn’t even seem like he was in another country. If I just hang on there a little, finish school and work towards it… This guy could actually be my forever. But as every other relationship, I ended up with a shattered picture. I did a lot crying, a lot of praying and a lot of worrying. In the midst of all this I couldn’t help but wonder if the distance was the problem or the person I was involved with. Here just a few things I learnt from being in long distance relationship.

1. The Foundation

Just like every other thing in life, the foundation of a relationship is the most crucial aspect of whatever it is you want to achieve in being with someone else. It is said that a house built on sand cannot stand and this definitely applies to a long distance relationship. If you start off by building your relationship on a lie, you will sink. If your foundation is unstable, your relationship won’t work. Smart people pick their friends as lovers. This is because friendship, beyond the science of love, is the glue that holds people together for a lifetime. The idea of “love” fades over time. The term “love” is honestly just a chemical reaction taking place in a little corner of your brain. People think it is the heart that loves most times. The heart, that muscle beating in your chest, is strong and mighty. It understands how the eyes perceives things and how the brain interprets the perception of the eyes. The brain is creative, so it doesn’t mind living a lie for as long as it doesn’t cause it any harm. The heart, on the other hand, because of how essential it is to the rest of your well being, loves truth. The truth is bitter but a lie, no matter how small, is a two edged sword and can be detrimental to your heart…. and consequently, the rest of you.

When you start off your relationship with a lie, there is absolutely nothing that could redeem your relationship with that person afterwards. “ I was waiting for the right moment to’ tell you” or “ I didn’t know how to tell you” are excuses that I’ve had to learn to not tolerate. I learnt this the bitter way. When the person you claim to love is absent and has no sight on what you’re doing, it becomes very easy to lie to them. But true friendship, or love, wouldn’t take advantage of that. You can only be counted loyal in someone’s absence. I’m yet to wrap my head around why people do these things but I’ve realized that is just out of selfishness. I actually do not want to remember the amount of pain I felt when I found out that the person I thought I had a future with was already married, with children. It’s still shocks me to my bones because of how confident I was in his kind of person. I met his friends, was at his place. I never felt like he was trying to hide me. How, when and why was this happening to me. Like who did this , what really went down and where was I cursed? I was so confident in his person that if someone came to me claiming he cheated, I would have said it was a big fat lie. I thought I could vouch for him. I didn’t see it coming. 18 whole months, I’d been living a lie. Holding my head up high like a fool. I thought my ex had done the worst but I was handed the biggest blow of my life just over a year ago. It wasn’t even because he was my significant other. No,that’s not what. hurt me. What hurt was that I thought he was my friend. You know that friend you share everything with? Your goals, aspirations, fears. etc.. What that long distance relationship taught me is that you can only vouch for yourself and your own conduct. Asking someone to reciprocate honesty is asking for too much nowadays. . When you fall for someone far away, you potentially expose yourself to deception, confusion and worry. People around you hardly ever care about what they put you through, how much more someone who is far away? This is not to say that all people are like that. Hopefully you’re a little luckier in this adventure than I was. I’ve not been the luckiest in love. It’s gotten to a point where the idea of loving someone is a burden I’d rather not carry. I try to focus on other things, run away from men generally simply because I’m tired. And that’s another thing… you will get tired in your long distance relationship.

2. Communication

It’s safe to say that, in a long distance relationship, the only thing you truly have is communication. Not the memories, not the fun times, not the trials. All these things and more will fade over time. If you find yourself having to worry about your significant other not picking your calls, leaving you in the dark and just being absent… You’re truly on your own. “I need some space to clear my head” is the most illogical thing to say. Maybe I’m being biased but how much more space do you need when I’m halfway across the ocean? To make any relationship work, communication is needed. And as you might have guessed long distance relationships require more work than average. Sometimes you’ll lost sleep, sometimes you’ll fall asleep on each other. Remembering the good times won’t keep you going as this thing called love can quickly turn to hatred. Communicate clearly, consistently and honestly . “I need time to clear my head” shouldn’t translate to “I’m not talking to you for weeks. I’ll show up whenever and pretend like I don’t need to explain myself to you.” Where I was at time… I hadn’t heard from him in two weeks and my main fear was maybe something had happened to him. Maybe he had been in an accident. It was so unlike him. I honestly didn’t know what else to do so I called someone that knew him personally. This was after I had called, stayed up all night just to be sure he was okay. She said she would call him and get back to me. So I waited a good 30 minutes and then she texted me back and said he was fine and she had spoken to him. I felt relieved that he was okay. But a part felt ashamed because I had been calling and he didn’t think it was worth just reassuring me that he was okay. What I would take responsibility for is letting it pile up to a point where I couldn’t tolerate him anymore. That’s it…. that one person can change your whole perception on how to deal with a significant other.

3. Friends and Family

I can still remember that day, I woke up feeling unwell. My chest felt heavy. I felt uneasy. It was as if something huge was about to fall on my plate. I didn’t know what it was but I just knew something was off. That was the day I was told the truth about the wife and the kids. That afternoon was a nightmare and I remember sitting on the train, trying very hard to hold back my tears. And on getting home I completely broke down. I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had hurt me so much for me to cry so bitterly. Who could I call? Who could I explain what was happening? They all were anticipating the failure of this relationship. They all couldn’t wait to tell me how much of a loser I was. I felt stupid, I felt used. I was disgusted at myself. Where do I start talking to God from? Could God forgive me for not knowing? I asked all the right questions over and over again. I did everything right. I didn’t force anything. Why didn’t God just tell me I was wasting my energy? Why couldn’t someone just tell me I was dancing under the storm? Why couldn’t just someone tell sharon that she wasn’t safe? Why couldn’t anybody tell me it wasn’t my fault? I had been living a lie all this while and I never asked for it. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone. All the promises, everything…. was a fraction of someone’s imagination. I don’t know what it is but something within me died that day. I was called a home wrecker, harassed. So I sat in the dark for a very long time and wrote out word for word all I was told. And then it hit me… I can call daddy. I can tell daddy everything. That’s exactly what I did… I called my dad, my aunt and my mom. I ranted and cried, all 3 were quiet as I went about narrating all that had happened to me. They said “don’t worry, God will replace him and give you someone better”. That’s what you said the last time, Aunty. Mommy, your baby girl is tired. My dad took a deep sigh and asked me “ how do you truly feel?”. I didn’t know how I felt. I felt numb and alone. There’s that feeling again, that something big is trying to come for me. It was that feeling I feared the most…Sitting there, thinking, wishing I could run away and pretend that never happened. To cut a long story short, the following 3 months were a rollercoaster. Do I stay? Do I leave? Can I trust him? Do I believe anything he’s saying? The trust wasn’t there anymore. I felt let down, so I wondered if I could ever trust him again or believe anything he had to say. The answer was no. I started searching for the answers he didn’t give me. After a long while of searching and finding what I was looking for, I sat and looked at my surroundings. I came to the conclusion that friends can be. for or against me and this will only show in time of need. In that period I lost a lot of friends. My best friend became a stranger to me as I wondered why she felt so comfortable inviting him to her party while she knew me and her weren’t cool anymore. Some other friends I. just had to forget about too. I dropped a lot of people. Constantly having to deal with “ I told you. Don’t go for a long distance relationship. Get someone. closer” made everything worse as I still struggle to forgive myself. It hurts a lot but people just like being right. Statements like that don’t help. I’d just defend myself by saying everyone’s journey in life is different. And if this is my cross then i’d carry it. So I stopped hanging around people and just kept to myself. Stay indoors, focus on my studies, my business , sleep and repeat.

Once again….His friends and family are definitely not your people. Keep them at arms length. Maybe on a better day, I’d elaborate more on this.

To round it up I’d say that making a long distance relationship work doesn’t depend solemnly on your effort. You can walk in with faith and end up with a lot of doubt. You can’t be doing all the moving around the globe. It takes two, who truly want to make It work. The worst thing that can happen to you is them changing their mind or leaving you hanging. No matter what the case may, you’ll survive. Maybe your heart will need the lesson, maybe life just wants to prepare you for something bigger. You never know.

Share the burden, share the pain… equally. Because it’s not easy. If you honestly believe someone is worth it, give it a shot. Don’t let my experiences scare you. Like I said earlier on, you might just be luckier than I. To me long and short distance relationships are the same. People hardly deviate from their initial intentions. So if they want to play with you they will, it doesn’t matter how far or close they may be. But for me, the thought of relationships scares me. I don’t want to feel that broken again. I’ve been doing well for a while now and I really… just want to keep it that way.

I’ll be back with more to share with you.

Yours sincerely,

- The Alpha Female