Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Roses Alcohol & Puka Shells

It’s not almost paradise. It isn’t a gangster’s paradise. It’s Bachelor in Paradise. The number one show for single 30 somethings that remind them that their life decisions could always be worse.

Fire up the blender and start unloading that shipment of Boar’s Head. Lets do this!

All our favorite people that we haven’t thought about since we last saw them crying in a van are back to find love and fame at the bottom of their piña colada glass (Spoiler alert: They find neither). The identical twins are back to prove DNA science is a myth and that age is in fact not just a number because 23 year olds are just 12 year olds that can legally drink. Carli is back to prove she isn’t irredeemable after skipping her brother’s wedding last year for adult spring break. Evan is back to prove he isn’t the ultimate indoor kid. Jubilee is back to get rid of her resting bitch face. Nick is back to make me feel better about myself since that dipshit is older than me and I’m as old as Jupiter. Grant is back to offer shade under his chin. Daniel is coming to make sure nobody ever respects men or Canadians ever again. And Izzy is back! No, I have zero fucking idea who Izzy is, but if you told me she was a production assistant pressed into duty because some cast member didn’t know they needed a passport I’d believe you. Oh, and Chad is back to be a dick.

After the parade of maxi dresses and some bottom-shelf cocktails it’s time to get down to the business of musical beds. Unfortunately for everyone watching, Chris Harrison informs the gang that the men will be giving out the roses this week, meaning we are all stuck with the invalid Care Bear Evan chatting about his creepy Brady Bunch love scenario with Amanda for at least two more episodes.

Meanwhile down on the beach, despite being unimpressed with the girls and referring to them as “bruised fruit,” Daniel decides to give it a go and see if he can find a connection. The twins and production assistant Izzy show some initial interest until Daniel starts handing out high-fives and making dick jokes. Despite consistantly horrible results 76er and fellow Canadian Nik Stauskas always shoots his shot, so have at it Daniel.

As night falls Jubilee is given a date card and obviously decides to ask out Jared, because for reasons that are unexplainable, once this dude enters Mexican airspace he turns into some sort of faBROgé egg in the eyes of the women staying at the treehouse. The producers send them on a dinner date inside Katy Perry’s closet and in order to spice things up — since they were talking about their mutual love of Tolkien — they send in a clown that looks like It’s creepy uncle and sounds like Beaker from the Muppets to scare the shit out of Jubilee and Jared.

Back on the beach Izzy breaks all the rules of a production assistant by striking up a relationship with Vinny. They take to the water where Izzy straddles Vinny’s bean bag and makes out with him while the waves crash around them.

And up in the treehouse Chad and Lace meet in the Octagon, I mean hot tub, and begin their verbally abusive courtship. Chad and Lace emerge from the STD riddled waters to become that couple we all know that fights at every group dinner forcing the rest of us to stare intensely at our caprese salad while we pray to god one of the tomatoes will jump out of the bowl and start singing the Dawson’s Creek song so that rest of the restaurant will be distracted by something else for at least a minute. After what seems like hours or yelling followed by straddle kissing/hot tub humping Lace decides she has had enough. No longer wanting to be in the Upside Down with Chad, Lace finds refuge with her housemates. Chad’s addled brain can’t process this news though and instead of pulling the rip cord on the evening he decides to go down the darkest timeline.

Chad begins to lash out calling Lace a “fucking bitch” telling other girls to “suck a dick” gets kinda physical and then decides to make fun of Sarah’s arm. Chad even manages to make Evan look good when he tries to shepherd Chad to his bed. Chad’s behavior goes beyond the margarita AND then goes and literally shits his pants.

The next day Chris Harrison calls the men and women together to inform Chad of his behavior from the previous night and let him know that his time in paradise is up. Instead of apologizing Chad — feeling like he’s being backed into a corner — decides to double down on being an asshole and even tells the Rose Gawd to shove a mimosa up his ass. This is a no no. Chad then laments that he “has nothing” and that “this is his life.”

But Chad shouldn’t be concerned about his future, because when one door shuts another door opens. While Chris Harrison and the Bachelor producers decided Chad’s bizarre, misogynistic, bullying behavior is too gauche for Bachelor in Paradise he may very well primed for a political career. Because if recent history has taught us anything it’s that the Republican platform is always looking for unqualified D-list reality stars that bully the disabled and double down on their callous behavior when they are asked to apologize.

So don’t worry about Chad. Brighter days are ahead for him. It’s just time to turn in the rose for a campaign button.