Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Where Is Carl?

Tuesday’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise is what we’d call filler, meaning the producers could have cut this entire hour of television and nobody would have cared. Filler episodes or plot lines plague every television show because networks will ring every last drop of Nissan Ultima ad dollars out of a show. Shows that could could be 15 episodes turn into 22 episodes and shows that could tell their story in three seasons turn into six. And sometimes entire shows could be considered filler because networks like HBO just need to fill their airwaves with content. Some recent examples of filler television would be the Santiago storyline (and arguably all of season 2) from Friday Night Lights, West Wing episodes between Sam Seaborn leaving and the introduction of Matthew Santos, The Newsroom, any ER episode that did not feature Noah Wyle and his boyish good looks, Friends from the moment Chandler has sex with Joey’s girlfriend, all original programming on CBS, and Frasier anytime when the viewer isn’t using cocaine. In fact, what I’m doing right now could be considered filler — this page isn’t going to fill itself with words — because there is NOTHING to recap from Tuesday night. Three members of the cast didn’t not make one appearance on screen last night. Three! More on this later.

Poor Vinny. Poor poor Vinny. Blindsided by Izzy’s lust for the bougie hairstylist with the “jeans and fucking sandals rolled up.” Vinny wants to find some closure with Izzy before leaving Mexico. Izzy sloppily says she didn’t have eyes for anyone in the house until Brett showed up and made her gut feel something. Truth, going with our gut is kinda overrated. It’s correct like 45% of the time at best. Ultimately, Izzy wasn’t ready to delete the dating apps from her phone. Heartbroken, Vinny leaves paradise able to say he came out of Bachelor in Paradise looking better than he did going in, a rare feet his parents can be proud of, or as proud as they possibly can be of their son leaving a reality dating show that takes place in a treehouse outfitted with cameras to record people having sex.

With the strongest couple now ripped apart by Brett’s beard the rest of the house looks upset, but not overly upset. They are about as upset as they’d be if they were told their favorite Soul Cycle class was full for the day. It’s a bummer, but for all of like six minutes. They all have their own relationships to work on and can’t be too concerned for Izzy and Vinny. Why? Because Jade and Tanner have just shown up to judge each relationship, hand out a date card and show these love peasants what a king and queen of paradise looks like.

First up are Evan and Carly. Hands are rested on thighs to show their chemistry, but Jade and Tanner choose to pass when Evan opens his mouth and once again sucks any hint of sexual arousal out of the room. Next are Lace and Grant fresh off Grant’s admission of love after two weeks and one double date to a foam party at Señor Frogs. Tanner quickly sniffs out the red flags hiding behind Grant’s magnificent Disney villain chin resulting in another no. Josh tries his damnedest to get the date card for him and Amanda by gushing about Amanda’s parenting skills — despite the fact that she’s now left her kids twice in a year to go on a dating show — and even offers Tanner a hand job under the table. The king and queen politely decline though and move on to the next couple, Nick and Jen. With his eyes, Nick quickly lets them know he’s taking it slowly and that really he’s sticking around for the sun and personal chef. Jared and Caila are the last couple to meet with Jade and Tanner and win the date card, because Tanner wants to do his bro a solid and for some reason everyone in the Bachelor universe wants to make this relationship work.

Jade and Tanner can’t leave though before sitting down with Ashley I. She drones on about her love for Jared and how they are perfect together, causing Jade and Tanner to look at her the same way a college guidance counselor would look at a C student with no sports and poor test scores that had just said Duke was their top choice.

Caila and Jared go on their dinner date to what looks like the 14th hole at an abandoned mini golf course. The conversation turns into a discussion about Ashley. No bueno. Dinner ends though and the new couple strip down to their underwear and make out in the dirty moat surrounding what may have been the 18th hole. Bueno!

The next day Carly grills Evan about his sexual history and is shocked to find out that Evan had a slutty phase. Before Carly can tug on that string too hard, Evan gets a date card and now he and Carly have an opportunity to take this relationship to a level that involves Carly being sexually attracted to Evan. That is gonna be a tough mountain to climb girl. The date takes place in a sweat lodge absent of any hallucinogenic drugs, which seems like the only logical way for Carly to take an interest in Evan’s penis. Much to the surprise of everyone, including the half naked men in the sweat lodge with them, Evan is able to win Carly over armed only with his Michael Bolton lyrics and relentless pursuit of Carly’s heart.

Back at love’s blanket fort Jared is once again listening to Ashley I. talk shit about the girl he is supposedly into. At this point Jared has only himself to blame if things don’t work out with Caila. It’s as if the guy can feel a tick burrowed into his skull, but decides to leave it there because he likes the feeling of being wanted and needed, even if the relationship with the tick will eventually lead to his death.

And somewhere off camera are Brett, the gray haired guy, and Carl. None of these bros made an appearance on the show. Have that many cast members not made an appearance in an episode before? Where the fuck are they? Are they in timeout? Crossing swords with one another in a gas station bathroom (Wait, no, that’s another group of doofuses). Deep sea fishing? Doing molly and watching Bojack Horseman with Chris Harrison and Jorge? Shooting Hangover 6 for Crackle?

Carl has now been on the show for two episodes and has yet to say a single word. I don’t care about anyone finding love anymore. The most compelling storyline for the remainder of the season is, when will Carl speak.

I guess there was a substantial storyline after all.