The Bachelor Recap: Raindrops, Drop Top, Corinne Takin That Top Off

I’ve spent all week trying to decide which grade school teacher of mine would have been most likely to take this photo. I’m still undecided.

Two important moments in history happened this past Monday night. First, Clemson beat Alabama and claimed their first National Championship in college football since 1981. Second, at approximately 9:18 EST the male romper was debuted on national television by photographer and fashion icon Franco Lacosta. For those of us hopeful that the romper trend was coming to an end, Monday night’s Bachelor was a difficult watch. More on Franco later, for now it’s time to get bitchy and recap the most dramatic episode of The Bachelor ever aired on January 9th 2017.

Decked out in J. Crew’s private collection, Chris Harrison tells the women of the house to take advantage of their time with Nick before handing out the first date card. Twelve women are chosen for the first group date. They pile into three “Not your grandparents” Buicks and drive off to a wedding themed photoshoot with the man they are already falling for after 8 minutes of small talk. Sometimes you just know.

When the women arrive, Nick informs them that they’ll be taking wedding photos with him today, while also acknowledging that group dates can be awkard. Because this is Nick’s fourth time on the show, and because so many of the ladies are practically infants, the relationship between Nick and the group is very much one of camp counselor and camper. Nick’s tone with them would lead you to believe they are about to do a bunch of trust-falls or climb a 10 foot wall, not get half-naked and make out.

Nevertheless, the ladies and Nick are introduced to Franco Lacosta and the previously mentioned male romper. Male romper aside, if I’m ever getting married (once again, settle down mom) I will pay any dollar amount for Franco to do the photos. I’ve dealt with a number of difficult photographers in my wedding party career, so I’m not fucking around. I want the guy that is going to tell me, “I know you from, before time.” Franco, who was absolutely the highest paid consultant on the set of Zoolander, hands out a bunch of themed wedding dresses before dropping the bomb that some will have to be bridesmaids. Vanessa is an 80s bride. Taylor is a princess bride. Alexis, the dolphin, is a shotgun bride and doesn’t break character throughout the date, unless Seacaucus was moved to rural Alabama. Poor Brittany is given nothing but a leafy bikini bottom, sending our bikini bride and newly minted villain, Corinne, into a tailspin because she wants the sexiest outfit.

All of the girls rotate through taking their photos with Nick before a half in the bag Corinne dives into the pool with him, pops her top off, and asks Nick to recreate the famous Janet Jackson Rolling Stone cover photo with her.

I’ve got two working theories to explain Corinne’s behavior. The less likely scenario is that we are dealing with a Virgin Suicides situation set in Miami and her only exposure to the outside world before going on The Bachelor was MTV and a single episode of Cinemax T & A porn. The easier explanation, Corinne is 24, and 90% of all 24 year olds are the worst. Anyone between the ages of 22 and 26 are insufferable humans, most of the time. They believe they are adults and know everything because they went through one bad college breakup and took some 500 level philosophy classes, but in reality are still just kids playing adult. Taylor, the Johns Hopkins grad and mental health professional, is suffering from the same issue.

Moving on to the evening portion of the group date, Corinne still can’t get over the fact that she got to second base with Nick. Wait until you try sex, dear. She repeatedly steals Nick away from the other ladies, while funneling champagne in between make out sessions with Nick. By the end of the night, a totally blato Corinne, decides to lecture the other girls on why they are all here.

Update: The only thing worse than a 24 year old, is a tired-day-drinking-lecturing 24 year old.

And after ten hours of swapping spit, Nick of course decides to give the rose to Corinne, because she impressed him today or some other nonsense.

The first one on one date this season is handed out to Danielle, the neonatal nurse. Nick and Danielle’s date takes them from air to sea (they pop this season’s hot tub cherry) to a mostly forgettable dinner date. I say mostly forgettable because Danielle tells Nick that she was engaged, but lost her fiance to a battle with drugs. Jesus.

While Nick and Danielle are on their surf and turf date, Liz reveals to Christen that she hooked up with Nick and Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Wait, did I mention it was at Jade and Tanner’s WEDDING? Did Liz mention it was at JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING? Trademark pending. Liz spills all the details to Christen, including that the sex with Nick was awkard. This is now the third person to say this on television about Nick. What the fuck is going on while he’s having sex? Does he demand to always finish in a pickle jar? Does he name all of his sexual partner’s body parts after ER characters before having relations? This needs to be investigated further.

The second group date/JV squad is assembled and they meet Nick at the Museum of Broken Relationships. On their website the museum describes itself as follows: “The Museum of Broken Relationships explores broken love and other human relationships — what they mean to us, what they tell us about what we share and how we can learn and grow from them. It is composed of objects donated anonymously by members of the public from all over the world.”

A more accurate description would be that it’s a space that houses carefully curated crap found deep inside someone’s desk or closet that Goodwill refused to take. After taking the time to glance over random peoples’ crap, including Nick’s engagement ring for Kaitlyn, the ladies and Nick are told they’ll being doing a bit of break up improv. Each of the girls takes their turn to break up with Nick, before we get to Liz. Unable to corner Nick at any point during the museum walk through, Liz decides to use this opportunity to recount her night of love making at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Nick looks as comfortable as someone using a ghost pepper ball gag. Meanwhile, Christen — the only girl who holds Liz’s secret — can’t believe what she is watching unfold. I honestly thought I was going to see her brain unhinge some latch from her head, jump down and just start walking out onto Sunset Blvd.

After successfully placing the ball gag in Nick’s court, Liz awaits her opportunity to have some one on one time with Nick during the evening part of the JV group date. Once Christen is able to corral her brain back into her skull, she tells Nick that she knows about his sexual past with Liz. This forces Nick and Liz to finally have their long awaited talk. And like an episode of boozy Crossfire, the two go back and forth until Nick decides to end Liz’s time on the show. Nick walks Liz to the elevator and she leaves the weird mall (?) wondering what might have been if she’d just given Nick her number post coitus. With Liz out of the picture Nick now knows the only way to tie this off is to tell the rest of the women in the house. Dot Dot Dot.

Next week, there will be tears. There might be blood. There could be semen. This is Nick after all.