Re-Reviewing The Mighty Ducks 2:
A Look Back At The Lovable Quack Attack
Quack! Quack! Quack!
In June of 1994 Disney unleashed the second installment of the Mighty Ducks franchise on the world. Almost instantly the movie found its place among the pantheon of 90's kids sports movies like, Little Giants, Rookie of the Year, Little Big League, Angels in the Outfield, The Sandlot, Ladybugs, and The Mighty Ducks. Being eleven years old and obsessed with sports put me squarely in Disney’s target demographic. And I was not alone in my love for Emilio Estevez vehicles, considering the movie grossed over 45 million at the box office.
Last summer the cast of D2 got back together to celebrate the 20 year anniversary of the movie’s release. In addition to the reunion, Netflix added the legendary hockey film to their Disney canon leading me to go back and re-watch one of the staples of my adolescence. What I came to find was that The Mighty Ducks 2 was one of the more preposterous movies of its generation. You’d have an easier time convincing me Jurassic Park is based on fact than Mighty Ducks 2. I still enjoyed it 20 years later, but for much different reasons. Instead of being inspired by Bombay, Frans and the flock of Ducks, I enjoyed the unintentional comedy and absurd plot points of the film that I never picked up on when I was eleven. Allow me to explain.
The Mighty Ducks sequel picks up a year or so after Bombay had been ordered by the state of Minnesota to coach District 5 (The Ducks). Gordon, the brazen alcoholic lawyer turned hockey player, is in the midst of a hockey renaissance and Jonathan Taylor Thomas hair phase when his dream of playing in the NHL is dashed by a dirty hit to his knee. Later Bombay laments to Frans that he was “this close” to getting to the NHL, which is quite something considering Bombay is about 32 years old (deduced by the Hawks 1973 2nd place banner hanging in the arena) and hadn’t played hockey for 20 years until being forced to coach the Ducks after his DUI arrest. Despite being “this close” Bombay returns to Minneapolis to crash at Hans & Frans’ hockey shop. Where his years worth of lawyer salaries have gone is unbeknownst to anyone.
Saddened by the state of Gordon’s life Frans, Bombay’s surrogate father and apparent junior hockey power broker, gets Hendrix Hockey to look at Bombay as coach of Team USA for the Junior Goodwill Games. An event which we can only assume is an extension of Ted Turner’s faux Olympics, the Goodwill Games. Once Frans, whose roll is really that of a Swedish Worldwide Wes, gets Gordon Bombay and Don Tibbles, the president of Hendrix Hockey, in the same room hockey magic is formed. Rejuvenated by the new opportunity The Minnesota Miracle Man is able to ditch the cane from his career ending hockey injury only weeks after the incident, because it’s time to strap on the rollerblades and get the Ducks back together. This leads to an all-time “getting the band back together” montage.
Charlie “Captain Duck” Conway is Bombay’s first stop because A) Conway was a brown-noser and B) Bombay was probably looking to rekindle the fire with Charlie’s mom despite her decision to remarry. Charlie rounds up Averman, Fulton, Banks, Jesse, Guy & Connie (Bey and Jay before there was a Bey and Jay), and Goldberg, who STILL HASN’T MOVED BACK TO PHILADELPHIA. The inexplicable disappearance of Karp, Jesse’s brother Terry, Peter, and the siblings Tommy & Tammy are never explained. Maybe they were cut from the team or maybe Peter and Karp ended up in juvie. We’ll never know. When rallying the troops it’s important to note that none of them are in school and the weather in Minnesota couldn’t be more pristine leading one to believe it’s summer.
With the Ducks on board the only thing left for Bombay to iron out is his contract negotiation with Hendrix Hockey, which ended up not happening because Tibbles and Hendrix clearly outbid themselves for Bombay like a scotch and peyote fueled George Steinbrenner. Stunned, Gordon questions why a sports equipment company would choose to give a peewee hockey coach a lucrative endorsement deal. A delusional Tibbles responds to Coach Bombay by whispering the names Bear Bryant, Mike Ditka, and Pat Riley asking, “are they just coaches?” What Tibbles failed to realize is that those coaches all conquered their sport at the professional or collegiate level, while all Bombay had done was conquer Coach Riley’s Hawks and his own horrifying drinking habit. But lets just move on.
Since Bombay is down five original Ducks Hendrix Hockey scours the country to provide Bombay with reinforcements. First there is Julie “The Cat” Gaffney, a skilled goaltender from Bangor, Maine. Julie is an absolutely believable character, except for the fact that she is from inland Maine and doesn’t have a whiff of an accent. In fairness the lack of an accent ranks about 483rd on the list of things that make D2 ridiculous. Next up is Dwayne Robertson from Austin, a known bastion of hockey talent. One could argue even the Dallas Stars aren’t able to get enough ice time in Texas, but I can let it slide. Then there is Kenny Wu, an Olympic figure skater who decided to ditch the triple axles, Olympic glory, and endorsement deals to be a part of the Junior Goodwill Games hockey team. Next Dean Portman, a tattooed and steroid filled 15 year old from Chicago, that was inspiration behind Danny Almonte’s decision to lie about his age in the Little League World Series. And last is Luis Mendoza, a native son of Miami who literally cannot skate at a beginner’s level. That’s right, the best youth players in America include nobody from Boston, but a kid from Miami who is unable to stop.
To get all of the new personalities to mesh Bombay uses many of the same out of the box tricks he used with the first iteration of the Ducks, such as tying the entire team together and getting them to skate as one. Chip Kelly would later steal some of these same zany ideas to coach his own Ducks at Oregon, or so I assume.
It’s at the same time we are introduced to Michelle McKay, played by CSI: Criminal Intent alum Kathryn Erbe. McKay is brought in to be the team’s tutor, which is a bit bizarre considering it’s summer (previously noted) and the tournament only lasts a couple of weeks. What she’s really there for is to create some sort of sexual tension with Estevez. It’s an odd choice for a kids’ movie, but I imagine after looking at the script the first time through execs had the following exchange.
Exec 1: “I think we need to give Emilio someone to create some heat with.”
Exec 2: “I like it! It’ll also be a little something for the parents to enjoy. What roll can we create?”
Exec 1: “Uhhh…….. I don’t think we can hook Emilio up with another parent, what about a tutor for the team? It will make zero sense, but the kids won’t notice.”
Exec 2: “Fantastic! Get Helen Hunt on the phone and if she passes talk to Gena Davis. I believe she owes us a favor after pulling out of Hocus Pocus last minute.”
Unfortunately Erbe and Estevez never develop any hint of chemistry, leading the director to dump out of the relationship and have Erbe spend the entire movie with resting “What the hell is going on?” face. Later in the film, as a last ditch effort to give Bombay a love interest, they have him court and attempt congress with the Iceland team trainer. Predictably, the second loin fire attempt also falls flat. Really the best chemistry in the entire movie is between Bombay and Don Tibbles, creating a very underrated movie bromance.
The Ducks finally arrive in Los Angeles for the tournament and begin a press tour that rivals a James Cameron film, making Bombay the first peewee hockey coach to give a press conference that isn’t fueled by felony charges. In the midst of the Bombay media blitz we meet Team USA’s rival, Iceland. How or why the crack pot team of Disney writers decided on a country with about 400,000 people and no history of hockey success escapes me.
Team Iceland is coached by the more gauche than intimidating Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson, played by Carsten Norgaard whose previous work included an episode of Red Shoe Diaries. A show that was a staple for any 90s tween with access to Cinemax and a desire to see breasts, butts, and the missionary position.
Because Hendrix Hockey spares no expense and is unclear on how capitalism or Los Angeles traffic works (The team was housed on the USC campus), they decide to give Bombay the keys to his own Malibu Shangri-la, where he and Don Tibbles share a tender moment together amongst the SoCal decadence. Once drunk off the Ducks’ early success, Bombay uses his Malibu rental to play host of his very own sea-side bacchanal, where he is introduced to sports legends such as Kristi Yamaguchi and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Looking to capitalize off his new found fame as a peewee hockey coach Bombay even decides to hock his signature “coaching loafer” to Kareem over crudites and Chablis.
With Bombay on autopilot and coming to games dressed as Bud Fox, YOU JUST KNEW the team was careening toward a predictably epic collapse reminiscent of Mickelson at Wingfoot. This leads to Frans making an emergency trip out to LA in order to give Bombay a swift kick in the pleated khakis.
In the midst of the Ducks swoon they also lose their injury riddled cake-eater and best player Adam Banks. Since Bombay is rollerblading the beaches of Malibu searching his soul, the Ducks are forced to turn to the original troll Russ Tyler, played exquisitely by Keenan Thompson, and his fellow South Central Los Angeles street hockey enthusiasts. Aided by the terribly aging song “Whomp There It Is” the L.A. street hockey gang, which I can only assume was a rarity in 1993, act as a sort of collective hockey Buddha for the Ducks offering them advice such as, “ You gotta earn every inch” or “You keep digging till you score that goal” and the all important, “Stick, gloves, shirt!” The Ducks get back on track armed with Bombay’s renewed focus, some new moves, and Russ Tyler’s “Knuckle puck” shot, which undoubtedly became an incubus for any youth hockey coach coaching in a post D2 world.
To zero surprise the Ducks reach the finals for one last showdown with Team Iceland. With capitalism, logic, and now physics (thanks to the introduction of the knuckle puck) thrown out the window by the D2 writing team the table was set for the grudge match. SPOILER ALERT!! Bombay’s Ducks pull out a victory in a shootout, but before they do here is a list of things that occurred during the final game.
- One member of the Ducks hog ties an Iceland player and only receives a 5 minute major penalty.
- The “Bash Brothers” follow up the roping penalty with a 1980's Miami Hurricanes-esque antagonization of the Iceland team only to receive minor penalties.
- The Ducks change jerseys mid game without any sort of penalty or repercussions from their sponsor Hendrix Hockey
- Jean Claude Van Damme repels from the ceiling to save the arena from a terrorist plot.
- Bombay uses chicanery that would make Bill Belicheck blush in order to get Russ Tyler open for a knuckle puck shot, eliciting the above reaction from the Iceland’s Coach Stansson.
- Bombay inexplicably pulls his goalie, which he rode for the entirety of the tournament, for the final frame of the shootout leading to the criminally underutilized line, “He’s fancy, he’ll go glove.”
Ok, so one of those things didn’t happen, but the rest all took place during the final game. Nevertheless the Ducks win the game and return to Minnesota with all the appropriate pomp and circumstance of winning a junior ice hockey tournament; a campfire s’mores, and a singalong to “We Are The Champions.” 20 plus years later the movie still holds up.
Fade to quack.
