The Bachelorette: Bro Bios

Yes. Hello. It is me. I’m back. After Nick’s season ended and I realized it was cuffing season I fell into a serious relationship dark hole. Have I missed anything going on in the world in 2017?

No, that’s a total lie. The strongest connection I made this winter was with the sloths from Planet Earth 2 and my new L.L. Bean slippers.

When Chris Harrison announced the new cast was going to be revealed he touted it at the most accomplished and impressive group of men yet. I can’t lie, I was mildly concerned upon hearing the news. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of Rachel and want her to find someone deserving of her, but at the same time I’m watching this show to be entertained. The more serious the cast member, the less likely he’s willing to put on a Depend and wrestle a fellow contestant for the chance at 45 minutes of hot tub time with Rachel.

Turns out Chris Harrison was lying, or at the very least exaggerating about how serious this season’s cast is. It looks like Rachel will be able to choose from several guys who are actual adults working in the real world, including a Fulbright Scholar and prosecutor. Yeah! And for us cynics there are plenty of runway jesters cast to keep things interesting. Double yeah!

On with it.

The Alarm Bells Should Be Going Off Division

DeMario

I’ve never seen so may pop culture references stuffed into one profile. DeMario’s questionnaire read like it was filled out by a sentient issue of Us Weekly. By the time I got to the end of the profile I was just expecting there to be a Pirates of the Caribbean themed word jumble. With that said, I don’t think DeMario is right for Rachel, but I would hang out with him.

Would He Wear A RompHim? Only if Denzel and Ryan Gosling were seen wearing them first.

Jonathan

Imagine taking the time to go to a Bachelor open call. Then imagine writing “tickle monster” as your occupation. Then imagine listing Flo Rida as one of your favorite musical artists. And then imagine bragging on the application that you can, “last a long time,” sexually. Add all of this up and I think we can conclude Jonathan is an aggressive dry-humper. Jonathan may not finish quickly, but he’s going to exit the show quickly. Oh my god, that was a terrible joke.

Would He Wear A RompHim? Yes. It could be an ideal dry-humping outfit.

Diggy

After reading his profile, Diggy might be waiving the most red flags. Frankly, he may have been half in the bag while filling out his questionnaire. He makes some reference to day drinking a lot, mentions being a part of a sexual positions contest while on Spring Break in Cancun and was once stranded on a toilet for hours.

Why was he stranded on a toilet? Does this mean someone locked him in an outhouse? If so, that is a form of torture I don’t think a CIA black site would even partake in.

Diggy’s most troubling answer though was that he once spent a day with a girl, had sexual congress with her and then faked being asleep when she found out her brother was missing so he wouldn’t have to help her. What the fuck Diggy? That is ultra dark and sounds like something only Frank Gallagher from Shameless would do. And he’s a television character. Is Diggy aware that his profile is available for anyone with internet access to see?

Would He Wear A RompHim? I’m still recovering from his “fun one night stand story” to answer.

Bryce

Congrats to Bryce on winning the squarest jaw award this season. He blew away the competion. Besides having a jaw that could cut glass, Bryce is a firefighter that described himself as a, “laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die.” Points for creativity.

His wildest bedroom experience involved a girl’s hair catching fire. This is most likely the result of too many tea lights or a irresponsibly placed citrus scented candle.

Bryce is very confident in his bedroom skills saying that he’s a, “fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightening.” It sounds like Bryce believes he climaxes like Zeus. I understand asking these guys to describe themselves in the bedroom is a loaded question, but settle down, B-Man.

I do wish someone would have answered the question more honestly. Like I would have said, sufficient most of the time. Can get from point A to point B.

The day Bumble, Tinder and Hinge add sex reviews to the profile will be a game changer.

Would He Wear A RompHim? No way.

The Full Name Lone Wolf

Jack Stone

Jack Stone is one of two things. He is either a liar, because he is a porn star and not an attorney, or Jack Stone is a personal injury lawyer whose commercial airs five times during a local sports telecast and ends with him saying, “I don’t get paid, unless you get paid.”

Would He Wear A RompHim? Pornstar. No. Personal injury lawyer. Yes.

Here For The Wrong Reasons Division

Lucas

Lucas wrote down “Whaboom” as his occupation. Then Lucas listed four different Disney characters as his ideal woman. Lucas, why don’t you Wha-fuck-off. Boom. Next

Would He Wear A RompHim? Duh

Milton

Five points to Milton for being transparent about seeking fame. Minus ten points to Milton for wasting Rachel’s time.

Would He Wear A RompHim? If it means getting on television, yes.

Kenny

Kenny is a professional wrestler, which is fine, but is he really here for the right reasons? Kenny smells like a producer plant. He also had sex with a woman while her husband watched. That’s not great. The Ringer pointed out that this answer was later scrubbed from his profile. So yeah, it’s a bit of an overshare.

Would He Wear A RompHim? A wrestling singlet is just a skin tight romper.

Blake E.

Judging from his bio, Blake E. has the smarts, looks, and charisma of a male lead in a Brad Paisley music video about finding love and a cold Bud Light at the end of the railroad tracks.

Hard pass.

When the inevitable fourth tier country band nobody has heard of shows up in episode three, maybe Blake can catch on as a backup drummer and tambourine player.

Would He Wear a RompHim? Probably not, but if there were drum kits on in, maybe.

The Point Break All-Stars

Jersey Shore, Waimea, Bells Beach

Alex

I promise I’m not trying to be funny here, but wasn’t Alex on the show last year? He was the guy that had the perfect stubble, the standard Bachelor swoop haircut, believed women should pursue him and thought Coldplay was still a thing. No? I’m too lazy to go back and look at last year’s cast, but I think this guy has snuck back into the competition again like one of those people that makes a return appearance on The Voice or American Idol and hopes nobody remembers.

On the hair swoop scale, Alex rates as a Jersey Shore hurricane. Compared to most of America it’s a ridiculous swoop, but not that impressive by Bachelor standards.

Would He Wear A RompHim? I would have said yes in 2016, so I’ll say yes again in 2017.

Brady

Brady finishes second in the hair wave competition and second in my least favorite cast members (Mr. Whaboom holds the top honor.) Brady doesn’t like saying goodnight to a date, semi-humblebrags about modeling in Milan and claimed a pair of Lululemon sweats was the most romantic gift he’s ever received. Barf.

Would He Wear A RompHim: Of course. I’m sure he’s already modeled them in Milan.

Lee

Everything moves in cycles, so twice a century a Bachelor bro let’s us know just how small we really are. A hair stylist comes out of Antartica, tearing up the Pacific and uses a huge swell of hair mousse on a bro’s head. And when that stylist touches the bro’s head, it’ll turn into the biggest hair swoop this planet has ever seen.

Bodhi believed in the 50 year storm. I now believe in the 50 year hair swoop.

I honestly never even got to Lee’s profile. I couldn’t get past the absurdity of Lee’s haircut. Bodhi and Johnny Utah would have no trouble surfing that wave in tandem.

Would He Wear A RompHim? Does it matter?

The I Can’t Wait For You To Meet My Parents Division

The frontrunner

Blake K.

Gets the military bump and each answer was like a 300 yard drive down the middle of the fairway. He’s an easy pick to make it to at least three different destinations.

Anthony

Anthony is the clear favorite heading into the season. He has to be the most impressive individual to appear on the show, right? This guy was awarded a Fulbright Grant to teach in the Ivory Coast. He’s also taught in Indonesia, played football at Northwestern, read Murakami and has an job that doesn’t involve the words “aspiring” or some made up nonsense like “Whaboom.” The only knock against Anthony is that he is 26. Other than that he is the equivalent of the Golden State Warriors at the start of the 2016/2017 season.

Would He Wear A RompHim? No. He’s a serious adult.

Dean

Not to sound flippant, but from reading Dean’s profile it sounds like he had a bit of a hard scrabble upbringing, and this will probably all come out during a one-on-one date. Dean has some Stephen A. Smith level takes on the institution of marriage. That’s an issue, since you know the end goal of the show is a proposal. I’m rooting for Dean though.

Would He Wear A RompHim? Nope.

Other favorites to go far are Michael, Eric Josiah and Matt.

The See You Never Division (Speed Round)

Grant

Mentions that he was the social chair of his frat and his favorite magazine is Playboy. Was this guy birthed between the pages of a Maxim?

Adam

Believes every girl wants to be J-Law and then shoehorned his threesome experience into his profile. Deep down I think Adam enjoys self-delight more than having sex with someone.

Kyle

Dabbled in BDSM with an ex and if he could go to lunch with anyone in the world it would be Edward Snowden. Didn’t know that person existed until now.

Mohit

Performed a sexual act with Tabasco sauce. Why? And who prefers Tabasco over Frank’s?

Iggy

Favorite magazine is Harvard Business Review. Too eager to let us know that he is smart and successful.

Jamey with a Y

Take note of how he spells his name. Tilt head. Move on.

Jedidiah

Blah blah blah.

Bryan

Blah blah blah. Listens to sports radio. Blah blah blah.

Will

Blah blah blah.

Peter

He enjoys Ironman competitions and has the tattoo to prove it. (Gag)

Rob

Rob regrets having diamond stud earrings and dying his hair blonde.

[Eyes down emoji] Me too Rob. Me too. [Eyes down emoji]