The Friday Morning Rose Ceremony

Love never takes a break, which means Chris Harrison, Ben, and the remaining ladies still have work to do. And if they have work to be done, it means I do as well. Go ahead, decant that beaujolais you’d been saving, grab the Trader Joe’s hummus and enjoy.

Dial D For Delusion

Look, before diving into Olivia let me say the following: We’ve all been there at some point in our lives. Nora Ephron taught us people in love will do crazy things. The Real World showed us people will act like lunatics when cameras are on them. And college confirmed that there is no ceiling to outrageous behavior when alcohol is involved.

With that said, lord I hope Olivia signed a contract with a television station before the show began airing because the internet, unlike love, is forever and somewhere all of this footage is being archived. A majority of this week’s show was an after school special illustrating what delusion looks like, and while other people (The Twins) made cameos Olivia was the star of the show.

Most of Olivia’s delusion bubbled out of her mouth, like a fart fleeing a skinny jean pant leg, during the talking heads.

There were the overconfident statements like, “I don’t see how anyone could have what we have” and “All eyes are on me because I’m the girl that showed up and was strong out of the gate.”

The declarations of love such as, “I mean, I love this man. I’m here for Ben,” despite the fact that her cumulative time with Ben wouldn’t even add up to an IKEA trip.

There was the always red flag raising use of the third person when talking about herself. On two occasions Olivia starting rhyming like Dr. Seuss saying she was, “Zen with Ben,” or “When I’m with him bam. Shabam!”

Olivia even believed she was afforded a moment to herself away from the cameras when she was having her meltdown, post quaalude Rockeet routine. What Olivia failed to realize though is that she had better odds of obtaining one of those Men In Black mind eraser pens to zap Ben with, than getting the cameras to leave her alone for a beat.

The Sony Laser Disc Nostalgic Story Of The Week

Since a portion of Ben and Becca’s date took place at a wedding, I’ll share a brief wedding story of my own.

I’ve had the priveledge of being in a few weddings. It’s an awesome responsibility, but with it comes being on display for 20–60 minutes and having to walk about 50 yards without tripping. Those were the only potential pitfalls I was aware of until my best friend’s wedding in 2012.

At every wedding I’ve been a part of lite domestic beers are consumed leading up to the ceremony. My best friend’s wedding was no different. The issue arose when another friend in the wedding party warned me not to lock my knees while standing or run the risk of passing out into a pew. I scoffed at the idea, so my friend pulled out his iPhone and presented me with evidence via YouTube.

With my idiot friend getting all up in my kitchen thanks to his warning and the unspoken 11th commandment stating that no cool air shall be pumped into a house of God my concern began to grow. And my anxiety would have been fine had I not drank just enough alcohol to inhibit my ability to be sublte.

Things certainly could have turned out worse, but while lined up listening to the ceremony I twice did a half-squat to quell my fears. My mom caught my mid-ceremony gym routine and could only shake her head in disappointment when I explained to her the reason behind my actions.

The Half Baked Cake

I know, I know. Another segment centered around Olivia, but the cake debacle can’t be ignored, because short of defecating on stage, poor Olivia could not have done much worse. Two issues are at play here.

First, jumping out of cakes has never yielded good results. Just ask the strippers that do it at bachelor parties, the rival gang in Some Like It Hot, or Erika Eleniak who popped out into a hostage situation in Under Siege. I’m also privy to a cake jumping surprise, and that too ended poorly for all involved.

Second, Olivia was too confident in her ability to improvise on stage. This happens. It isn’t that different from having a presentation in college, believing you know the material well enough to skip preparing, only to find yourself stammering and sweating while trying to discuss world markets in the post WWII era. Unfortunately for Olivia, her overconfidence came on national television dressed like Big Bird’s wet dream.

The Only Fly Frontier Airlines When You Have No Other Option Travel Note Of The Week

This week it’s really more of a question I want to ask a producer. When the ladies pack to go to Vegas, there is one shot of the twins and their entire closet is packed up. Was this the case just for the two of them, or does everyone have to pack up there stuff once they hit the road? When Amber and Rachel got the stanky-boot this week did they come back to an empty house to grab everything else? Does ABC ship everything home for them like at the end of summer camp? Do they actually fly back with the rest of the crew and then leave?

Quotes Of The Week

I. “Lets hope we don’t have to do nipple tassels cause that would not be good.” -Lauren H.

II. “What I did today wasn’t me and I just want to ski dance.” -Olivia

I listened to this eight times. I didn’t here it wrong. She said ski dance.

The Oil Of Olay Off Camera Bathroom Quote Of The Week

“I half expected to see REDRUM misspelled on Haley or Emily’s bedroom wall” -Ben to a producer after visiting the twins home.

(Please keep in mind the above quote is fabricated.)

Trojan Condoms Sexual Innuendo Of The Week

“Little Ben is way bigger than I would have expected.” -Lauren H.

If she isn’t being fed these lines I may just have to rename the award after her.

The Daisy Fuentes Memorial Music Video About Love

Tire+Rope+Campfire+Lake x Incredible talent = Hall of Fame Music Video

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. I think ABC managed to turn the most decadent city in America into a total snooze-fest by going to a show where a guy talks out of the side of his mouth, a neon landfill, and a house in suburban Las Vegas.

a. This all could have been turned around if there were trapdoors under each of the girls at the rose ceremony and those that didn’t advance were sent into the pool. Admittedly this would have changed the tone of the show a bit, but it would have made for some good tv.

2. I think Olivia had her panic attack in Boyz II Men’s dressing room.

3. I think ABC should give each male/female on the show an opportunity to “Phone A Friend.” This way they can explain their relationship with the Bachelor/Bachelorette and their friend can set them straight if needed.

4. I think I need to speak my truth. I fast-forwarded through most of Ben and Becca’s date. If I didn’t I was going to fall asleep.

a. I respect the guy who got married in the tuxedo t-shirt.

b. I have no respect for the guy who got married in the fedora.

5. I think Jubilee continues to be the most captivating woman on the show. This week she just busted out a cello for the talent competition and then zinged Becca twice with, “It’s the perfect person to wear white.” and “ But if she hasn’t lost it in 26 years, I doubt it’ll happen in 6 hours.”

6. I think Amanda’s side-eye and WTF face this week made me like her more. I know she left her two kids to go on a reality dating show and sounds like Minnie Mouse, but I’m beginning to come around on her.

7. I think if we got inside Olivia’s brain when discussing Ben it’d look a lot like the gif below.

8. I think Caila is a bit of a mystery. There aren’t that many people out there that’ll be described as a “sex panther” and then gleefully admit to growing up watching Terry Fader.

a. It is disturbing that a man who describes his talent as, “I can do impressions of singers through puppets without moving my lips,” can pack a thousand people into a theatre to watch him perform.

9. I think whoever set up the table and champagne on the helipad was fired from the show. Incredible trolling work though making sure all the other girls could see Ben and Jojo’s date from the window of their hotel room.

a. Yo, did Jojo cop to dating a married guy during her date with Ben? She had that cryptic line, “I wasn’t the only person involved in their life.” There isn’t anything cryptic about that. Jojo was a side-piece.

10. I think these would be my power rankings for Ben going into Week 5.

1. Lauren B (4–0) Juggling is impressive and getting the rose from the group date is always a positive sign.
2. Caila (4–0) Sex. Panther.
3. Jojo (4–0) Made up a lot of ground during the one-on-one date.
4. Jubilee (4–0) Still the most real woman on the show.
5. Becca (4–0) I guess?
6. Lauren H (4–0) The chicken outfit was bold. The puppet kissing was creepy. The one-on-one time went well.
7. Amanda (4–0) Basing this solely on the “Next week on.” It could go one of two ways; either Ben goes all in or pulls the, “I don’t want to keep you from your kids if there isn’t anything there” move.
8. Jennifer (4–0) Aggressiveness at the rose ceremony may have kept her around another week. She can’t like her odds considering the number of brunettes left.
9. Leah (4–0) I hate clowns, but props to Leah for going all in during the talent show. Mexico may be her last stop on the Bachelor tour.
10. Emily (4–0) Don’t worry Em, you’ll be reunited with your sister and 45 dogs next week.
11. Olivia (1–3) It’s never good when the preview shows a clip of the Bachelor asking if he can talk to you for a minute.