The Friday Morning Rose Ceremony
Is love still in the Mexico City air? Are dates still taking place 1,000+ feet off the ground? Then plug in the Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville Machine and add more cilantro to that guac. It’s time for another Bachelor recap.
So Long Jubes…..
This week we said goodbye to Jubilee, which means the remaining weeks will be a slop buffet.
Yea, you can be that jabrony that wags your finger and says, “Well she knew what she was getting into.” She signed up because she thought she could handle it. She’d be to war for christ sake. But as it turns out Jubilee thought it was a tad gauche to date the same guy with 10+ other women. It’s kind of incredible more men and women on the show don’t take a beat to say, “what the fuck am I doing?”
Out in the dating jungle, if I took a girl out for drinks had a good conversation, but ended the date by waving over Girl B to sit down while Girl A is getting up, it only ends poorly. Girl A is never going to call me back and Girl B is going to tell me to get bent before even sitting down, as they both should. I may as well have just taken Girl A to Fudruckers and say I forgot my wallet after we finish drinks.
But in the Bachelor world that’s kosher behavior. In fact, ladies A-F are all going to pander to me worse than a 2016 presidential candidate, even though they know I’m making out with everyone else. And that’s the rub, Jubilee was never down with this concept, because you know….. She’s normal.
I’m scraping Ben’s body language tells until next week, cause this is running long and nobody needs me bloviating for another 2,000 words.
The Sony Laser Disc Nostalgic Story Of The Week
The year was 2002. The location Cancun, Mexico. The top musical act, Nelly.
Why my parents, along with the parents of a few of my friends, thought it was alright to let their 18 year old children loose in Mexico for a senior trip is unexplainable. Maybe they hoped we just stay down there and avoid college tuition costs….
As far as MTV Spring Breaks go, the trip was a pretty smooth ride, with one notable exception. I did almost lose my life in Mexico. And it wasn’t because of some drug deal gone bad or decision to go night swimming. No, I almost lost my life at the club in the bowels of our hotel, The Playa Del Death Trap.
Being 18 and stupid, we thought going to the foam party at the club in the hotel would make for an unforgettable night. And to be fair, I will never forget that night. Trouble is my body might not forget about it either. Foam parties always sound like a great idea, until it’s too late and you realize you’ve just handed over 50 dollars to spend a night in Spring Break’s Dagobah System. There’s no Yoda though, just a shot-girl harassing you to buy her test tube shots of electric blue liquid.
The other thing the club fails to mention is that if you’re from Shortville, (Males 5'7" under females 5'3" under) your night turns into a reenactment of the Titanic sinking before midnight. It got to a point where I became no longer interested in hitting on girls and only concerned with not falling victim to the foam or accidentally ingesting it. When the foam was at my eye level I could actually hear the Conjunctivitis entering my body over the thumping bass. And like a rat on a sinking ship I was only interested in getting to higher ground. Once at a secure location I continued to party, that is until my friend Steve climbed up onto the landing I was on, grabbed my shirt collar and yelled, “It is time to go!”
Turns out he’d just seen a guy drop his pants and start pooping in the middle of the club. And since someone had decided to evacuate their bowels, we’d decided it was only wise to evacuate the dance floor and takes showers till the sun rose.
The Only Fly Frontier Airlines When You Have No Other Option Travel Note Of The Week
So the P.J. is only available for flights from Los Angeles to Las Vegas. Any other flight and the ladies are stuck in coach like the rest of us. I can’t imagine being the producer trying to shepherd all of the women through an airport and onto the flight. If that job doesn’t come with a bottle of Xanax and a bottle of Ambien, then ABC is run by a group of nut sacks that get off torturing their employees.
Quotes Of The Week
I. “This is what I’m here for, to see these girls in their element.” -Ben
Bruh…. I think you’re a good dude, but I don’t think you’re using that term correctly.
II. “It keeps getting better. There’s a bidet.” -Olivia
Whatever blows your hair back sister.
The Oil Of Olay Off Camera Bathroom Quote Of The Week
“Jojo is aware taco is a slang term for vagina, right?” -Jubilee
(Please keep in mind the above quote is fabricated.)
Trojan Condoms Sexual Innuendo Of The Week
“I’m really excited for the chef to taste my taco.” -Jojo
……..
“Ben already tasted my taco, and he loved it.” -Jojo
……………….
“I know my taco is delicious.” -Jojo
Was Jojo trying to start an orgy at that restaurant?
The Daisy Fuentes Memorial Music Video About Love
Yea, that’s a Goo Goo Dolls music video. I’m not ashamed. The Goo Goo Dolls are underrated. Everybody shouted out the lyrics to Iris when that song came on the radio. Don’t deny it. Come @ me with your tweets, IG, Snapchat, Facebook post or LinkedIn DM. I’ll win this debate every time. Boy name Goo out.
Ten Things I Think I Think
- I think I know shamefully little about Mexico City. My knowledge doesn’t extend much past what I learned from watching Denzel in Man On Fire. Somewhere in the back of my head I kept waiting for one of the women to get taken. And if you haven’t seen Man On Fire you’re doing life wrong.
2. I think Jennifer and Jojo are kinda low-grade mean girls.
a. Jojo also came across as a little opportunistic when she hit Ben with the C.I.T.T.Y. immediately after he showed Jubilee the door.
b. I say this about Jennifer, but the truth is I think scientists know more about the ocean than viewers know about Jennifer.
3. I think I’m tired of talking about Olivia. Her social skills come across as kinda Zuckerberg-ish with that Teen Mom comment. But I don’t feel like discussing her anymore so I’m just gonna leave this picture collage of faces she made into the camera this week.
a. Amanda maintains her side-eye championship belt after the way she reacted to the Teen Mom comment.
4. I think I need one week where all the dates take place on the ground. Enough with the god damn aerial shots. We’re good. Ben’s good. The ladies are good. The only options left for dates are getting shot out of a cannon together or donning those insane flying squirrel suits.
a. We’re definitely getting a parasailing date next week. It’s a lock, isn’t it?
b. Fuck. That’s my bad everyone.
5. I think a mystery guest may enter the show next week. This theory is based entirely on watching the “Next Week On” seven times. There were a lot of tears though and someone saying, “I feel like a fool.” Smells like a shakeup to me.
6. I think I need to know what the Spanish teacher intended to do with all those items on his desk. What dish are you making with a gourd, a cantaloupe, a loaf of bread, one celery stalk, some mystery liquid, and an avocado.
7. I think Emily taking her first tequila shot at age 23 despite being from Vegas is the runaway leader for biggest upset of the season. How is that even possible? Are the twins non-drinkers? Is that just Coke in her glass at the cocktail parties? Am I just a degenerate for thinking it’s odd someone hasn’t slammed a tequila shot by age 23?
a. Emily was sneaky funny this week too. She sealed her fate though with the, “I don’t think X is who you think she is,” move. Next season when I write my Bachelor manifesto that will be one of the rules.
8. I think two girls sleep with stuffed animals and for one of them it is on brand and for the other it is definitely not on brand. Emily sleeping with a teddybear makes perfect sense, because she was born after E.R. ended. I did not expect Jojo to have a plush sleeping companion.
9. I think the shirt Ben wore on the runway was flames, and it makes everything I own look like a tattered burlap sack. Where can I buy that shirt?
10. I think these would be my power rankings for Ben going into Week 6.
1. Lauren B. (5–0) Still the favorite.
2. Caila (5–0) With Jubilee leaving this early, unless there is a fan campaign Caila is poised to be the next Bachelorette.
3. Lauren H. (5–0) Beats out Jojo this week because she’s blonde. Sorry.
4. Jojo (5–0)
5. Becca (5–0) Zzzzzzzzzzzz
6. Amanda (5–0) Still don’t see it long term.
7. Leah (5–0) Has earned the Tanner Award for remaining on the show despite almost zero interaction with Ben. Leah is still my personal favorite of the remaining women though, so Leah you have that.
8. Jennifer (4–1) Brought up the Olivia topic like Emily. That’s a no no. Jennifer has also had about 10 more minutes of screen time this season than I have had on The Bachelor.
9. Emily (4–1)
10. Olivia (1–4)