CSI: Cyber & Unclehood — A CROSSOVER EVENT

Buzzed Reviews & Charlie’s Nap Time

Just the other day I vowed to write a review after every viewing experience I have. Whether I’m watching an epic Cohen Brothers Film, a hotly anticipated Comic Book Movie or just some random episode of a throw-away CBS crime procedural, I told myself I’d write a review. I’ve resolved to write more often, so I figured it’s the perfect compliment to my couch potato tendencies. Every time I watch, I write. I’m also usually already buzzed on my medical marijuana, so most of these new reviews could possibly be an article for my Buzzed Reviews series, I tell myself, so it’s a win win. I’m home in CT visiting my sister and my two-year old niece for her second birthday. I’m a newly minted uncle, but it’s nap time, so instead of clean the house, I’m doing what good uncles do — watching whatever my sister has saved on her DVR. So it’s with good reason that endeavor to write a review about, of all things, CSI: Cyber (episode S01E15 — Python’s Revenge). In this day and age where crossovers are more ubiquitous than Starbucks I figured I’d throw my hat in the ring; so without further ado I bring you the first ever Internet Article Crossover Event between BuzzedReviews.com and my Unclehood Series. And with any luck at all, some poor sucker may actually read it, and be spared the most disappointing 45 minutes of my TV watching career.

The story in this episode is about a notorious criminal, murderer and hacker who taunts the elite team of cyber counter-terrorists played by the main cast, including Lil Bow Wow, now going by the mill-ground Shad Moss, and James Van der Beek playing Typical-Action-Hero-Guy, but in this show they happen to call him Elijah. Other than the complete lack of originality in the narrative, the most disappointing thing here is that it turns out the antagonist was able to fool everyone with the clever use of a surge protector. Oh, we are elite hackers to be sure, but we only look for computer stuff, we just didn’t think to look in the little box we’ve plugged all of our computer stuff into, our bad. Ya think? From the moment in the episode when the CSI’s were bested by a power outlet, the elite team, in this reviewers opinion, goes from top notch to incompetent. I didn’t care much how it turned out after that, but I was sitting comfortably on my sisters couch with my warm pizza and my Shatter Tank, so I stuck it through to the end anyhow.

This is where things got hairy for me and where we crossover into Unclehood. One of the plot points on this show is that main character Patricia Arquette’s Avery had a little girl who died when she was five years old about 10 years ago. At the end of this episode Arquette is face to face with the woman who was driving the car that killed her daughter. You see, I recently became an uncle, and each new visit home, though I don’t think it’s possible, I keep falling deeper and deeper in love with my niece. So I started getting twitchy with all the dead children talk happening at this point in the episode. My sister has expressed to me that since becoming a mom she can’t stand stories about a kid in danger on her medical shows and crime shows anymore, and sometimes she might just skip those episodes altogether. That’s ridiculous, I don’t care how scandalous it is, bring on the violence, I’d say. But today something inside me shifted.

My sister fell asleep on the couch before the episode was over because as she would tell you “baby’s nap time is mommy’s nap time” (and CSI: Cyber acts as a lullabye for most adults anyway). So maybe I was feeling a little more protective than usual because Cheryl was asleep, or maybe the blandness of the plot wasn’t able to distract me this time, or maybe it’s because I’m more in love with little Charlie than ever before; but as I heard this mother tell Arquette that her daughter’s last words were “bless you” a wave of emotion hit. My eyes filled up on cue with Arquette’s, and I became instantly so grateful for my family. I pictured what it must have been like for that mother to lose her child, and having my relationship with little Charlie now, I was horrified. I was a blubbering mess alone on a couch in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon. I never thought I’d say this, because I don’t like to miss a drop of the details, but I might be skipping those kid-in-peril episodes now too. I know one thing for sure, I’ll never watch TV the same way again; and I’ll never tune into CSI: Cyber again either. In truth, they should have called it CSI: Nap Time.

Maybe I’m just stoned but this turned out to be dull yet horrifying crossover event streaming a TV show.

MY GRADE: TOTAL BUZZ KILL