Have You Guys Heard of This Donald Trump Asshole?

First off, I wanna apologize about the incident with the kid. It got rough there for a minute because I’m a gorilla and I’m sorry.

I’m up here in Heaven now eating whatever gorillas eat, probably some leaves, and I must ask: Have you guys heard of this Donald Trump asshole? It really seems like people should be asking him about how he’d actually execute his inhumane policies instead of questions about me, a goddamn ape.

He said he wants to deport 11 million people from the country immediately after becoming president, but he hasn’t said how. No reporter has pressed him on how he’s going to do this.

I’m just an ape in Heaven, so I’m playing catchup here, but, historically, don’t mass deportations usually require some sort of processing facility? When you’re dealing with moving millions of people out of the country, they usually call that kind of facility a camp.

A specific kind of camp.

Surely people will die trying not to get put in such a facility—many more than mine, a fucking solitary, non-human gorilla. And surely human lives are worth more than animal lives, even if I, Gorilla Who Almost Ripped a Child to Shreds Out of Pure Instinct, do not agree with it.

Also, he said something about a Muslim ban? Wouldn’t that cost a lot of money? How is that going to be enforced, exactly? For the thousands that “slip through” because they want to live in America and choose not to declare themselves as Muslims to the TSA, what happens if they are caught?

Do they get the facility, too?

I lived in a facility. I do not recommend the facility.

Look, I just have a lot of questions, is all. Many more people’s lives are at stake than me, an anthropomorphized gorilla with a fake blog on a website for tech billionaires seeking parenting tips and juicer reviews.

I, an undead, nonverbal primate without the ability to communicate, am unable to ask these questions to the man who might be the next leader of the free world.

Reporters have the opportunity to not take deflection for an answer, to not cover a single fucking gorilla such as myself breathlessly, fueled by pantomimed horror and moralism, all the while letting a single man legitimize the dehumanization of Muslims and Mexicans through policy that is impossible to execute without debt and death.

Reporters have a voice.

I don’t. I’m just some fucking gorilla in Heaven.