Five of the most annoying questions you hear in everyday life
Language is alive. Therefore it evolves. Also, it annoys.
Guess whooooooooo? Oh my word I hate these. You pick up the phone and you’re in the middle of something and it’s an unknown number — person on the other side goes: “Guess whoooooooooooooooo? Guess guess!” No, just no, I don’t need this right now. Please go away. It’s not about me, it’s about me not wanting to embarrass you.
There’s another version of this. Mother/Father/elder family member calls, chit-chats then says “so you know who’s come home to visit today?” Erm, no. “Why don’t you talk to them? Hehehehe…” *passes phone to unknown person who then goes ‘guess whoooooooooooooooo’*
My guess rate has been an impressive 70%. But I’m sure I’ve hurt a few people who didn’t sound like Richard Attenborough.
The ‘oh you reached/oh you’re up’ type: You wake up in the morning, trudge out of bed and make your way to the kitchen for a glass of water and someone, mostly a family member, goes: “achha utth gaye?” — which translates to “oh you’re awake?” There’s another one which is just like this, spoken mostly by a person who is expecting someone: “You reached?” they go just as the person walks in.
What can the answers to these questions be? “No… you see, this is a f*cking illusion, you’re imagining this. I’m not here,” “Oh in fact I’m not awake, just sleepwalking is all,” “No, I didn’t reach,” *about turn, walk out*.
The incredible British greeting which goes ‘you alright’: I had never actually come across this term until 2010, when I went to Sheffield for my MA. What was more confusing was the various tones and accents used to say this: from the excited questioning tone “you alright!?!!!?” to the drawling “yoouuuuuu alraaaaaayyytt…” (usually accompanied by a slow-mo hug) to the half-drunk I-acknowledge-your-presence mumble “u orite.”
The video below is how Britain can react if you misinterpret the question:
When I was first greeted with this expression, by the person who was giving out keys to the university dorms, it got me worried about my appearance. I had just cut my hair very short and had clean shaved as well, and deep in the recesses of my head I knew this was a bad idea — this question just confirmed my doubts. I didn’t know what to say. I think I went all Arthur Dent before uttering something on the lines of “erm yea what, sorry?”
One of my friends Glenn Moore, a big time comedian now, did a short act on this — it was an internal argument, going on inside the language chamber of the brain, as to what the right reply to this question should be. I don’t quite remember most of these, but there was something on the lines of “no I’m in deep sh*t, can you lend me some money? Then I may be alright.”
There’s also instances where I’ve heard people reply to ‘you alright’ with a ‘you alright’. Just odd.
The ‘are you happy’ questions at a post-match press conference: “Are you happy your team won,” I heard a reporter say at a post-match presser while covering an event last year.
WHAT THE F*CK question is that!!??
What’s worse, this was followed by, “are you happy that this player scored a century?”
What’s the coach/manager/captain supposed to say? “No man, winning is f*ckall. Hate winning. And happy who scored a century? No, I hate that guy. He’s the worst.”
Another reporter had accompanied me to the event. During dinner, he asked me “are you happy there’s chicken being served?” On the way back home all we did was invent more ‘are you happy’ questions — the worst post/pre-match question ever.
Hi Happy Birthday! So, what plans? This is unavoidable right? The same person with whom you speak on the phone everyday suddenly turns into this stranger who needs to be treated like a king/queen on that particular day. Not knowing quite how to do this, you go: “Hey happy birthday man,” to which the reply is “thanks yo” — — — — five seconds of awkward silence — — — — “so, what plans?”
If you’re on the receiving end of this question, the first three calls are fun. Every ‘what plans’ answer after those first three questions just keeps deteriorating in quality. The last call of the day will usually be answered with a ‘nothing much.’
