My Life Right Now
If you are reading this, I want you to be aware of the fact that what you are about to read will be very disorganized and there will be breaks in thought. Also, this may trigger those of the weak of heart. Bearing that in mind, you have been warned. Finally, I CANNOT emphasize enough that this is not for attention, pity, or empathy. This is simply so that I may vent toxic thoughts out of my mind.
Hmm… Truthfully, I am not sure where to begin. There is so much to say. I guess I can start by expressing this: I am completely destroyed. This past Wednesday, I experienced an agony that just put me over the edge. And to be honest, I came really close to killing myself. At the time, I was in so much pain and so much unrelenting torment, I could feel my psyche shattering and pieces of me dying. All I wanted to do was break down and bawl my fucking eyes out… All of this came about because someone, unintentionally, triggered me. Essentially, this is what the trigger accomplished: Made me realize that I am fucking worthless. I’m just going to be up front and state that I still want to kill myself. Every waking moment I want to. And just to dispel any thoughts on the matter, no I will not see a professional. It does not help me. The same goes to medicine as well. Also, do not give me the suicide hotline number. I have it memorized because of how many people have told me to use it, but I never will. Don’t tell me that I “Am scaring you.” Telling me that is not fucking helpful at all. In fact, it’s actually something that makes people feel worse because you are basically telling them that they are “frightening” for expressing their personal feelings openly. We’re telling you these feelings for help, not to be told that we scare you. Anyway, there are a few reasons as to why I believe I am worthless.
- My own best friend eventually stopped being friends with me because I “am a horrible piece of shit”
- I have had so many people just cease all interaction with me, with no reason given whatsoever
- A decent portion of my family disowned me for having tattoos and piercings
It’s not even limited to just those reasons either. Like, I honestly feel all alone. No friends. No best friend. No significant other. By friends, I mean people that I interact with everyday and maybe do something with at least once a week. And by that definition, I have none. As for a best friend… Actually, I’d rather not delve into that. My relationship with my previous, and only, best friend ended up nearly resulting in my death. Like, a best friend is a part of your soul. A part of your being. You do everything with them. You tell them everything. They are your everything. And finally, a significant other is well… I do not seeing myself with someone. Like, ever. I have been hurt all too much and all too severely to even seek out friends. Let alone a love interest. I even have this value that I practice on an extreme level because of all the pain I’ve endured. “Never seek Love, Attention, or Affection. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having.” I feel I should disclose that I also have absolutely no self esteem whatsoever. I actually get anxiety attacks because people compliment me. I have no fucking clue what to do with it because I am not used to being told nice things. And most likely, I’ll end up not believing what I am told. I have yet to find someone that has actually meant what they say and/or follow through with it. No one has proved it to me. And if they did, they ended up leaving me. And I’m tired of that. I simply do not have the energy to expend on false interactions with people. I’m also tired of myself, because I know that it’s my fault. I feel like I did everything wrong with whomever I held most dear, who ended up just dropping me entirely. I’m just exhausted. I’m just broken…