7 Ways Driving A Camaro For 5,000 Miles Has Changed Me*

I was on Interstate 66 on my way home from work when it happened — the odometer on my 2015 Chevrolet Camaro clicked over and displayed 5,000 miles. Yes, since purchasing my brand-new Camaro 1LS for $16,999 in October, I’ve put approximately 5,000 miles on the car, and in that time I’ve changed.

I’d like to think my metamorphosis is the result of my own growth and maturity as a human being; however, I have a feeling my transformation is directly linked to the Camaro.

  1. Cigarettes

Back in college it wasn’t uncommon to catch me sucking on a cancer stick in-between classes; however, since graduating I’ve left that habit behind. And I’m damn proud of that fact, too.

But there’s something about looking out the windshield of my Camaro — and seeing the hood’s power-bulge in my periphery — that makes me want to light up a Marlboro, open the window, and drive with one hand on the steering wheel and the other hanging out the window with said lit cigarette clutched between my pointer and middle fingers.

So far I’ve refrained from lighting up, but I’d be a damn liar if I didn’t admit the thought of choking on tobacco smoke didn’t enter my mind every now and then these days.

2. Mullet

Before there was the man bun, there was the mullet. And thanks to the Camaro, I kind of want a mullet.

Fortunately, I don’t have the willpower to wade through the awkward stages of growing my hair out (which is weird, because the mullet IS nothing more than an awkward stage of growing one’s hair out); however, when Jefferson Starship’s “Jane” started playing through the Camaro’s speakers the other day (courtesy of the local classic rock station), I couldn’t help but think, “a mullet would truly complete this moment.”

3. Lynyrd Skynyrd

My 2015 Camaro 1LS came standard with a single-disc CD player, and right now it currently houses a copy of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s debut album, “pronounced ‘Lĕh-‘nérd ‘Skin-‘nérd”, which I found for sale at my local Goodwill the other week for $2.99. Free Bird!

4. Strip Clubs

This may have more to do with my recent venture back into the world of singledom, but I suddenly have an urge to check out the local titty bar. I’ve yet to go (because I prefer not to waste my money this way), but I should note that I never did have a strong desire to spend my money at the strip club until I became a Camaro owner.

5. ‘Murica

I know my Camaro was built in Canada, but ever since I was handed the keys to the big coupe I can’t hold back my desire to let others know how great America is. To quote Kenny Powers:

“Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called ‘patriotism.’”

Back in late-September I was feeling the Bern, but you know what? I’m starting to think that maybe Trump can make America great again.

6. Malt Liquor

Did you know Colt 45 malt liquor has an alcohol content of 6.1%, and that you can get a 40 oz. bottle for less than $3.00? I didn’t — until I bought the Camaro. Now I can’t get enough of the stuff.

7. Steak

The liberal media would like you to believe that the methane in cow farts helps fuel global warming, and that eating red meat in excess can lead to cancer. Well, don’t fall for it. As any muscle-car driving, red-blooded American knows, steak makes you virulent, which is exactly how you have to be if you truly want to make America great again.

*Yes, this is a piece of satire.

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Originally published at thefinktank.wordpress.com on January 24, 2016.

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