Soul Stories
Love
What’s love got to do with anything?
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost
Throughout countless centuries, humankind has been on an eternal quest. It has adopted various guises, and in doing so has bestowed upon us numerous gifts. Yet, the infinite quest has stayed the same. The unquenchable, mysterious desire, to find and define love.
On St Valentine’s Day — which inexplicably, is an often derided annual holiday — I, along with countless others will have written stories just like this one, exploring and deciphering the mysterious emotion of love. But before all that, let’s first trace the roots of St Valentine and the day which bears his name.
In early Ancient Rome, a festival called Lupercalia was celebrated between the dates of 13–15 February. It officially marked the start of their springtime and the release of new health and fertility. As part of the customary celebrations, boys drew names of girls from a box. They’d then be boyfriend and girlfriend during the festival, and sometimes they’d even get married!
Numerous early Christian martyrs — usually Priests — were named Valentine (Valentinus) and were killed for their faith. The Valentines honored on February 14 are Valentine of Rome and Valentine of Terni. Each have their stories which amount to nothing more than being killed for their beliefs. However, a legend arose in the early 5th/6th Century about St Valentine of Rome. A work called Passio Marii et Marthae believed Valentine to be a priest, who was persecuted for his Christian faith, and imprisoned and killed by the infamous Emperor Claudius.
Centuries later (believed to be the 8th or 13th), further legend was added to the existing story, which we now have today. On the eve of Valentine’s execution, it is said that he wrote the first “valentine” card himself, which was addressed to the daughter of his jailer Asterius, after having fallen in love with her. It was signed from “Your Valentine,” where the expression “From your Valentine” is derived from. After the martydom of Valentine of Rome, the burgeoning Christian church saw the festival of Lupercalia as an opportunity to expand the faith, and decided to supersede the festival with a Christian remembrance day for St Valentine.
Ever since, February 14 has been remembered as a day for the expression of love. But what is love, what does it mean to be in love? The Ancient Greeks tried to define love through seven different words. Thought Catalog has helpfully defined the 7 types below:
1. Eros: Love of the body
Eros was the Greek God of love and sexual desire. He was shooting golden arrows into the hearts of both mortals and immortals without warning. The Greeks feared that kind of love the most because it was dangerous and could get them into the most trouble. Eros is defined as divine beauty or lust. Eros is mainly based on sexual attraction and it is where the term “erotica” came from.
2. Philia: Love of the mind
Also known as brotherly love, Philia represents the sincere and platonic love. The kind of love you have for your brother or a really good friend. It was more valuable and more cherished than Eros. Philia exists when people share the same values and dispositions with someone and the feelings are reciprocated.
3. Ludus: Playful love
Ludus is the flirtatious and teasing kind of love, the love mostly accompanied by dancing or laughter. It’s the child-like and fun kind of love. If you think about it; this generation loves Ludus more than anything else.
4. Pragma: Longstanding love
The everlasting love between a married couple which develops over a long period of time. Pragma was the highest form of love; the true commitment that comes from understanding, compromise and tolerance. It is pragmatic this is why it is referred to as “standing in love” rather than “falling in love” because it grows over time and requires profound understanding between lovers who have been together for many years.
5. Agape: Love of the soul
It is the selfless kind of love, the love for humanity. It is the closest to unconditional love. The love you give without expecting anything in return reflected in all charitable acts. It is the compassionate love that makes us sympathize with, help and connect to people we don’t know. The world needs more Agape.
6. Philautia: Love of the self
The ancient Greeks divided Philautia into two kinds: There is one that is pure selfish and seeks pleasure, fame, and wealth often leading to narcissism and there is another healthy kind of love we give ourselves. Philautia is essential for any relationship, we can only love others if we truly love ourselves and we can only care for others if we truly care for ourselves.
7. Storge: Love of the child
This is the love parents naturally feel for their children. It’s based on natural feelings and effortless love. Storge is the love that knows forgiveness, acceptance and sacrifice. It is the one that makes you feel secure, comfortable and safe.
The Greeks believed that defining love could help us discover which kind we needed to give more of and which kind we wanted to receive. If we incorporated Eros, Ludus & Pragma into our relationships and Agape, Philia and Storge into our lives, we would all reach Philautia and live happier lives.
Our generation can perhaps be defined through Eros and Ludus, as these two types have been incorporated into our lives more than any other. As relationships become ever more fleeting, our understanding of Pragma has slowly eroded. Dating apps allow us instant access to Eros and Ludus, and that’s it. We only connect, but never become truly intimate. After all, relationships are tough, demanding, and seemingly fruitless, so why concern ourselves with that, when we could just have Ludus and instant self-gratification.
It’s not surprising then, that pragmatism is a virtue which is held in high regard. Compromise, time and understanding are required for a truly pragmatic love, and all too often in our lives, we’re guilty of resorting to the selfish Philautia, Ludus and Eros. I for one, know all too well what happens when those types of love are used incorrectly, and what it can lead to: an overwhelming sense of emptiness and self-contempt.
But what then, does it mean to be in love? To me, love is intrinsically linked to intimacy, and when true pragmatic love occurs, it is truly magical and often very hard to define. Perhaps defining intimacy, can lead to a better understanding of what love truly is. Ziyad Marar the eminent psychologist, in his book Intimacy, defines it as the following:
It (intimacy) is not a trait or state. Love, like other emotional states, can be seen as characteristic of an individual, while intimacy is of necessity a relational idea, like conversation. Love fundamentally is a different thing because you can love someone who doesn’t love you back and you can also love an idealized or distorted version of the person. This is where love is more like infatuation. For intimacy, we need more accurate knowledge of each other and mutuality. Ultimately, unlike love, hate or any other emotion, intimacy exists between rather than within people; you can experience unrequited love, but you cannot experience unrequited intimacy. Intimacy is often confused with, or subsumed within love, because we associate the strength of feeling and the vulnerability that can be true of both as meaning they are parts of the same experience. Yet we can love without intimacy and (have) intimacy without love. Lovers can often experience intimacy, of course, but so can friends and even strangers. Equally, lovers can be baffled by a lack of connection.
So, is love then simply infatuation? Is it an emotional state, which conjures up irrational and illogical feelings? Regardless of the positive or negative perceptions associated with it, love has undoubtedly given humankind a purpose and a reason for being. The greatest of human emotions has blessed us with innumerable gifts such as music, art, poetry and prose. It has also carried us through life’s darkest moments. To try and define love would be a fallacy, because we all experience varying degrees of it. From the playful, dangerous, flirtatious, hearts-a-flutter feeling of euphoria, to the powerful sexual magnetism, to the pragmatic, emblematic, all-encompassing love shared between two people and families, love is what makes us human.
So, this Valentine’s Day, instead of decrying those who openly share and express their love, champion them and celebrate it, because we are all too often guilty of ignoring the desire to love, and the desire to be loved.
Romeo. O! wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
Jul. What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?
Rom. The exchange of thy love’s faithful vow for mine.
Jul. I gave thee mine before thou didst request it; And yet I would it were to give again.
Rom. Wouldst thou withdraw it? for what purpose, love?
Jul. But to be frank, and give it thee again. And yet I wish but for the thing I have: my bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.
