Soul Stories
Secrets and Soulmates
A tale about secrets and the soul.
In this age of Instagram quotes made famous by unknown authors, the elements unique to the human condition are so often misunderstood. Love, for instance, has been condensed down into something to do with somebody else. However, if we look at love in its purest form, love is a quality, not something to do with somebody else.
Perhaps the best description of love comes from Sadhguru’s ‘Inner Engineering’, where the Yogi eloquently espouses his views on the meaning of love:
Love is a quality, not something to do with somebody else. Every action that we do is in some way to fulfil certain needs. If you see this, then there is a possibility that you can grow into love as your natural quality. But you can go on fooling yourself into believing that the relationships you have made for convenience, comfort and well-being are actually relationships of love. I am not saying there is no experience of love at all in these associations, but it is within certain limitations. It does not matter how many times true love has been proclaimed; if a few expectations and requirements are not fulfilled, things fall apart. This is essentially a mutual benefit scheme.
There is really no such thing as conditional love and unconditional love. There are conditions and there is love. When you talk about love, it has to be unconditional. The moment there is a condition, it just amounts to a transaction. Maybe a convenient transaction, maybe a good arrangement, but that will not fulfil you or transport you to another dimension. It is just convenient. Love need not necessarily be convenient; most of the time is it not. It takes life. You have to invest yourself.
If you have to be in love, you should not be. The English expression falling in love is very significant. You don’t climb in love, you don’t stand in love, you don’t fly in love, you fall in love. Something of you should fall or melt away to accommodate the other. There is a distinction between a transaction and a love affair. A love affair need not be with any particular person; you could be having a great love affair with life itself.
What you do or do not do is in accordance with the circumstances you are in. Our actions are always molded by the demands of external situations. But love is an inner state, and how you are within yourself can definitely be unconditional. Acts of love can become tedious and stressful over a period of time. You realize love is not something you do; love is the way you are.
So, how does this tale about love, joy, vulnerability and forgiveness begin? There’s an old adage — a rather silly one actually — which states that, within the first five seconds of meeting someone, you’ll know whether they’re going to be a lover, or a friend.
In five seconds, I was spellbound. She was definitely going to be a lover. Pheromones coursed through my body; dopamine, oxytocin — the cuddle hormone — adrenaline, cortisone … they were all there, flooding my soul, and filling me with joy. Awash with confidence, I strolled towards her and in amongst the throng of chattering, gormless men, I began a conversation.
We chatted, flirted and danced long into the night. Electric, eclectic, exciting and endearing, she radiated a warm affection which made my eyes sparkle and skin tingle. Pretty soon, there were dates. Many dates … so many dates, that we both forgot what actually constituted as a date! Her company was intoxicatingly charming, seductive, and quite simply, beautiful. The physical attraction was mind-blowing. Hours upon hours, of (s)exploration.
At the same time, we would stay up to talk effortlessly about human truths, philosophy, spirituality, intimacy and all of those elements which we all tend to shy away from: death, loneliness, angst, heartbreak, heartache, and secrets. Secrets that were shared unfiltered and unadulterated.
Yet, someone was sheltering one particular secret. An unnecessary affliction, in a place in which it really had no place being. What followed, was heartbreakingly predictable.
Lies preceded anxiousness, which was soon, followed by trepidation, which followed, shock and sheer amazement. Wracked by guilt, her tears flowed freely. Hugs and kisses swarmed in, overcoming the pain and tenderly soothing the soul.
Waiting at the end was forgiveness, unperturbed by ego, sentiment and pride. It was pure, the very essence of the human condition. It waited for its chance to enter proceedings.
Eventually, forgiveness entered and charmed its way to her heart. Yet, once all the revelations were said and done, nothing was the same. A huge chunk of soulfulness was missing. The intimacy which had once brought us close together, was broken.
My ego, rather disappointingly and unfortunately, decided to impose itself on the situation. Overcome by hurt, fear, anguish and pain, I got lost in her mistake and allowed it to seep into every situation, every intimate moment. Yet, there is no denying that being lied to, is difficult to overcome.
Time always reveals the truth about people.
Like ships passing in the night, there will always be those who come along for the ride when it’s plain sailing and the ride is smooth. When the waters become choppy, and you’re no longer headed in any sort of direction, they’ll be the first to let you sink, or be the first to jump overboard and swim to shore, without even a second thought as to your own well-being.
So you see, that’s the hard thing about the truth. It’s not always pretty. It can be devastating, damaging and dark; and that’s the hard truth about people, they’re not always honest about who they really are.
Fatally, after stints of illness and energy-sapping recovery, we believed that engaging with one another would be the best remedy.
It wasn’t.
Reality had set in. My independence had been shattered. Familiarity had lead to subconscious contempt, so whilst we valued each other’s emotional availability, we didn’t seem to give each other time to process our emotions. Whilst I failed to admit it at the time, the sheer amount of emotional vulnerability was draining my energy … draining my soul.
Time, patience and solitude were required.
However, as the old adage goes, “only fools rush in”, and with foolish giddiness we pranced headlong into disaster. In hindsight, I can see every mistake we made, painstakingly playing out in slow motion.
She sat solemnly on the edge of my bed and listened to what I had to say: “This doesn’t feel right anymore”.
The mood irrevocably changed, and the weakening embers of the spark we once shared, died. In that moment, affection turned to anger, which rather torturously turned to pain and tears.
I had forgotten the very principles that I held dear; the principle that relationships of any and every kind, are the most exhausting elements of life to work on.
The most destructive belief for a relationship however long or brief is,“If we need to work at it, there’s something seriously wrong with our relationship”. This belief is the reason why so many relationships fail and go stale — people believe that being in one means that you don’t have to do anything taxing.
Our foolishness had contrived to make us believe that we could just “see how things go”, and just “let things be”. Directionless and rudderless, we had floated aimlessly into the deep waters of disaster.
Vulnerability teaches you that your fallibilities, fears, flaws and failures, should be embraced. Forgiveness teaches you that they should be accepted. Don’t waste time trying to overcome them. Allow them to empower you to become a better person.
It always takes two to tango they say, and try as I might, I failed to truly embrace her vulnerabilities, and forgive her flaws. Pride had replaced love. Egos had replaced joy. Her final fleeting kiss, which had once been so magical, so tender, so achingly beautiful, now felt cold … distant.
Time. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, and patience is supposed to soothe the soul. Yet, there are some cuts that run a little too deep, some wounds that never fully heal. Perhaps, in another lifetime, we can re-discover the joy that made time exhilarating, the vulnerability that made our secrets beautiful and the love that made our souls, soulmates.
