Is He Looking for a Relationship, or Validation?
Nothing disturbs me more than the impatience of women, particularly good friends, who are searching and pining for relationships. Nowhere is this more prevalent than here, in America. Perhaps, it is the media that tells us we are incomplete, dissatisfied, and doomed to spinsterhood if we have no one to relate to. And this toxic idea spreads like wildfire via social media, as friends from all over the country chime in via their timelines with endless posts of unrequited love, the changing times, and their difficulties in finding someone to bond with.
By now, I have written enough about this topic, and I won’t expand upon it here. My assertion ends with advice to stop searching for love, and start living life. By now we all know that no one can, nor will complete us, and the process of searching is exactly that “energy” that repels healthy relationships.
Today’s topic is men, and what some of them seem to be searching for when they are out and about looking for the opposite sex. I am a very sharp observer of human interaction and have been watching men and women relate to each other at hundreds of parties I have hosted over the years for my social network. I also happen to have a talent for seeing trough people, and picking up on subtle queues they give off without communicating a word.
I am a firm believer that we all emit energy, and that most humans and animals pick up on it. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are always reading people, some of us better than others. What I have always seen is that women’s weaknesses whether they be neediness, despair and incompleteness are spotlighted by the media, but men’s fears, loneliness or desperation, are rarely dissected or analyzed by medical professionals. It is almost as if they are swept under the rug of masculinity, and downplayed for fear of exposing males when their egos are bruised, and their manliness diminishing.
So, here I am, ready to shine a light on what I see is happening as a typical male begins to mature and then age. We women freely speak about our insecurities. Therefore, it is no secret that young women tend to be more insecure, less self-aware, and more likely to be looking for male guidance in our younger years. As we mature, we learn about ourselves through failed relationships, over-dependence on those relationships, rearing children, and learning to stand up on our own two feet. As a woman matures, she grows. She gets more in touch with herself, and eventually blossoms into a self-aware, self-respecting appreciator of herself. She develops a confidence, starts to speak her mind, and that is exactly what some men (particularly younger men) admire in the more mature women. They love how she loves herself.
Men seem to mature in reverse. At a very young age, they are told that they are men. They are taught to sow their wild oats, “take” women, enjoy them, and in many cultures are raised to have a sense of entitlement to the best that life has to offer, and that includes a multitude of women. Even in this country, boys are taught to relinquish fear, act like men when they are too young to understand what manhood even is, and to assume that role without the faintest idea of what masculinity is all about. In essence, they are taught a false masculinity, one based on the simple fact that they are born with a penis, which somehow entitles them to dominance and respect they haven’t been taught to earn.
As a male matures, his masculinity is validated simply by experiencing love, sex and dating, and that it follows exactly what he is being taught by popular culture, that a healthy male enjoys an abundance of sexual experiences and adventures. But, never are they taught the realities of aging and how it can diminish their value as a man.
Open any magazine, and it panders to the fears of women. If I grow a new wrinkle, will I be less desirable? Yes! If I stop menstruating, and can no longer conceive, have I expired? The answer is Yes! If I reach the age of 40, am I doomed to spinsterhood? Yes! But, have you ever seen or heard media call out fears of men? No. That topic is taboo. Even medical professionals and psychology books rarely measure the fragility of the male ego. But, I am here to state that as his maleness declines (testosterone levels, erections, and his ability to do anything for a woman), his desperation for validation from the opposite sex increases.
All humans experience fear, but half the population suffers in silence under the guise of machismo. Declining manhood is rarely analyzed by experts, therefore surely it does not exist. But I am hear to show you, that in fact, declining manhood is that turning point in a man’s life where he devolves from a confident, desirable, level-headed human, into an emotional mess, raging with anger, fear and frustration that the world he is experiencing in silence, does not match what the media and medical experts have been spoon feeding him since birth. You see as women grow more self-aware and confident with age, men grow more insecure.
There comes a day in every man’s life, when he wakes up to a limp dick. Surely, it’s not his fault, it must be that overweight, saggy woman sleeping next to him who has turned him off. Undeterred by this condition, he makes his way to the potty, only to think, hey maybe that day he had heard about, has arrived. He looks in the mirror in horror, as he notices that his hairline has receded past the point where he can confidently drop a pair of panties with a smile. There it is, his manhood is laying in the sink. That outer sign of male desirability, his sexiness, his looks, is receding past the point of return. And his waistline? It is starting to resemble Santa Claus, that adorable grandpa whose belly jiggles like jelly every time he laughs.
For most men, that first fail to rise up for a woman, is a death sentence. It is that turning point in his life, where he no longer desires a human to relate to, he needs and absolutely craves a person to validate his masculinity. This is that moment that every man begins to refer to himself as a real man. It is as if he is trying to convince himself and all around him, that the situation between his legs is of no relevance to the opposite sex, because he has his years, and his experience to prove he is a man.
This is also the time that a man begins to look at the opposite sex with a sense of need and entitlement. He has experienced love, he has experienced relationships, and many have even experienced marriage, which is something they no longer need. This is the point when married men look for validation outside the marriage, or start to dabble in making new, younger, female friends online.
At this point, many single men start to look frantically for someone to commit to. This is that point, when an avowed bachelor and player, starts looking for a wife. I have joked many times that a woman can spot a man who is ready to commit simply by paying attention to his hairline. As soon as it starts to recede, that is exactly when that cog in his head starts to spin. Scared for his life, a single man who has faced his declining masculinity, is now more than ready, even in a hurry to settle down and make babies.
And then there is the divorced man. He has already been married and had babies, and feels no need to repeat that again. He has been inspired by media and a few divorced friends, that this is his time to recapture his youth, and prove his virility by dating women half his age. It does not matter that she has no college degree, and no career aspirations. It makes no difference that she is only admiring his wallet. All that matters is that she looks young enough to convince all males that he is still virile, and that she acts convincingly enough to show there is substance to this relationship.
In all three cases, you are looking at a man who is dating to find validation. He isn’t looking to relate to another human being, nor bond on a deeper level. He is looking for women to confirm he is a man. Often, one woman isn’t enough. The more desperate and insecure he is, the more women he needs to fill that gaping hole of his former masculinity.
If he is afraid enough, he will rush into a long term relationship simply because he fears being alone. For him it is better to secure a willing partner who is looking to settle down, than risk continued rejection from women. But, if he feels confident enough that he has choices, he will start to date for the purpose of seeing how far he can go.
Men who are dating for validation, often date to see who they can get. They simply need to know that she is interested, that she is willing, and that she will commit to him to feel validated. They don’t need the actual relationship, and there is no need to take it to the next level, because now that they know they can have her, it is far more important to see who else they can have. They date to keep score of how many women will make them feel needed.
When a woman rejects them, she is dismissed for not knowing a real man when she sees one, but the woman who pays attention to him is simply validation for what he can have. He may enter a pseudo relationship and only stay to the point where he feels her attachment, and her confirmed interest in a relationship. But why stay? Now that he knows he can have her, it is time to see how many more women are willing to attach themselves to him.
These empty men who were raised with a sense of false masculinity, now truly have to prove they are a man. They were told by their mothers, their fathers, and their peers that a man is a man, and that is that. But 50 years later, he is bald, has grown a spare tire, and women no longer chase him. Now he must prove, that he has still got it. Now he must prove that he is that man he has always been told he is.
He is dating out of fear, not out of genuine interest in a relationship. He is hungry, in fact starving for a woman who can make him feel like a man. But if a man needs a woman to make him feel like a man, then, is he really a man? Yet, that hunger for validation is stronger than him. He is dating to prove something, and no matter how much attention he gets from interested women, and how much attention he buys from much younger women, nothing can complete an empty human being.
This situation is like an addiction to attention and nothing more. But how long can a human keep chasing proof that he is still valid? At a certain point it all fails to satisfy. And at another point, no matter how much he has to throw around, money can no longer buy attention even from the most desperate women. This is when males begin to seethe with anger, resentment and bitterness toward the opposite sex.
This is exactly when he begins to play on women’s fears, and project his own desperation onto the opposite sex. He wants you to be aware just how much you need him, because your biological clock is ticking, your time is running out, and you better hurry up and settle for him.
I hate to say it, but I often see women falling for men who make them feel most insecure. It is as if they too have to prove that they are still relevant, and by making him feel like a man, they concede precious time, and their self respect to him.
But a man looking for validation is just a starving dog. He will chase whatever moves, and follow any woman who pays a bit of attention to him. As soon as she throws him a bone, he is temporarily satisfied, and now wants to see if he can find a meatier bone. Unfortunately, the older a man gets, the more likely he is to be seeking validation. Younger men don’t need it, they are surrounded by it. But a man in touch with his mortality, will stop at nothing to prove what a man he is. And the only proof he needs, is your interest. As soon as he gets it, he will start looking elsewhere.
This article is not to say that there are no healthy men out there. In fact, they are everywhere. I am a big believer that women are the prize, and that there are more men looking for women, than there are women searching for a man. You just have to open your eyes and see what is really happening.
If you meet a man who refers to himself as a real man, run! Know that he has a lot to compensate for, and chances are, you are his compensation. If you meet a man who starts the conversation by pointing out your insecurities, your age, your single status, your childlessness, know that he is preying on your fears. This is not a man, this is an empty shell trying to prove he is a man. If you see a man who proudly displays all the women he has had, especially if he flaunts younger women half his age, know that he is desperately clutching to his manhood. Chances are those women are platonic friends, hanging out only because he is throwing money, parties, and showering them with fun to show them what he can do.
Know that a real man is only that man who is looking for a real woman. A real woman is not a child half his age. If he has a history of dating young twits, run! He is looking at you for validation, not for your brain, or your authenticity.
It is time we call it for what it is. These men are not men, so why are we taught to pander to them and keep treating them like a man? Is it some unspoken crime to point a finger at a man’s insecurity, and call him out on it? It is not completely their fault either. They grew up in a world that convinced them they are men at the age of 5. At that age, they had nothing to show for it, and most still don’t. Don’t be the one to chase them, simply learn to spot a man looking to validate himself, then walk away.
