The bad days

The bad days come out of the blue sometimes. When a tv show will feature something that shakes you unexpectedly. When a song lyric catches your ear. When you read an article and begin crying. When you though you were having a good day.

The bad days take several forms.

Sometimes they are full of tears. Gut wrenching, soul shaking tears that leave me gasping for air and seem they will never end. Wet face and wet pillows, snot everywhere.

Some days they are full of numbness. Dissociation, staring into space, frozen and unable to function properly. Basic tasks are out the window, and leaving the house isn’t an option. Nor is eating, especially if it has to be prepared.

Some days they are full of anger. Deep in my chest, physically painful feelings of anger, rage and a barrage of memories that won’t stop.

Some days they are a mixture of everything. Anger, sadness, grief, rage, all combining to create panic and a feeling of being unable to snap out of it.

Some days the bad days are creative. I can write, or swim, or channel everything into something productive. I can dig deep to transform the negative into a force for something good in my life.

Some days they are full of learning. Instagram posts on a secret account, online support groups, articles on similar issues, finding a community. Healing and less feeling alone.

Some days are overwhelming. When the memories won’t stop coming back. When the lightbulb moments don’t stop and you are forced to connect the dots and see the trauma in all forms, from origin, to affect effects, to other people’s influences and responses.

Bad days have their place, as difficult as they are. I have learnt to sit with them, to breathe through them, to allow myself to sit and watch nonsense tv and switch off, to stay in bed. To be gentle with myself. To be kind to myself. To allow what I need to heal, and to allow myself not to know what I need at that time. To know that tomorrow is a new day, and it won’t be like today. To remember that I’ve survived all previous bad days, and that I’ll survive this one too.

To remember that after the storm, comes the rainbow, and life begins again.