Whenever I’m asked how I am that’s what I always say to strangers, acquaintances and coworkers. Sometimes I say it to friends that I don’t feel would understand or care to hear about how I truly feel.
I’ve always been fascinated by those who respond with words like, “terrific” and “great”. I’ve literally NEVER felt great. It’s one of the most foreign concepts I can think of. “Great” and “terrific” were never uttered in my household growing up. There were only three answers you would hear from my parents, “alright”, “okay” and “could be better”.
Recently I was chatting with a friend and she asked me how I was doing. I told her that I was alive. She asked me if I could just once lie to her and tell her that I’m doing great or was never better. That was funny because I said I was alive because I knew she wouldn’t want to hear me talk about the truth, like how my health seems to be going downhill and doctors don’t seem to have answers to many of my body’s medical questions. I’m also dealing with the realization that there are some everyday tasks that I will never be able to do again. She wouldn’t necessarily want to hear about how I have bosses that seem to be doing everything in their power to push me out the door while I also have the pressure of supporting two parents that are in their seventies.
I always felt that friends were the ones that you could tell the truth to when there was no one else. That’s why for a while I used to talk to friends about what was going on in my life, but eventually if I didn’t have enough positive things to mention I seem to risk running out currency with them. They begin to shy away due to seeing me as negative. I wish I could lie, but lying doesn’t come that easy to me and also if I lie to my friends then they become strangers to me, if that makes any sense.