How to navigate New Year

Try to find a party with more than nine people. And maybe a bigger sofa.

New Year is super tough. First you have to make people like you enough to get them to invite you to some sort of gathering. Then you have to find someone whose lips you can bash against your lips. And all of this before starting your 2016 with a head full of the devil’s hot piss. Not to worry, the following guide will get you through this hard time. So much so, you’ll fool people into thinking you’ve got your sad life together.

Get invited or cry trying.

New Year’s parties are proof of your okay-ness in the eyes of other human beings. Getting yourself invited to one of these signals that people haven’t yet realised you’re the horrendous wanker that you know yourself to be.

Science has proven that people invite nice people they like to social events. So, to trick potential inviters into thinking you’re alright company, here are a number of nice things you can do.

  • Greet people with a wink and the rapid firing of finger pistols as if you’ve been looking forward to seeing them all morning. If they do it back to you, make sure you win the imaginary duel or they’ll think you don’t value their friendship.
  • Give surprise backrubs at work. A handy tip: professional masseuses always say that they can “feel a lot of tension”, so you should too as you increase the pressure, tenfold. Keep going until they wince and ask you to stop.
  • Ask people whom you know to be parents if they have any pictures of their children that you can look at and keep in your wallet. Parents just love people who exhibit a surprising level of interest in their offspring. Even more so if the question seems to come out of nowhere.

NB: Sometimes you’ll feel as though all this being nice is getting you down. Some suggestions for you to beat this feeling are:

  • Make angry faces at babies in supermarkets until they cry.
  • Scream into a pillow.
  • Steal.

If all goes to plan, you should be getting more invites than you know what to do with! Which is another problem in itself. But popular people have loads of problems, that’s just a sad fact of life.

Kissy lips.

Get results like this.

Once you arrive at your chosen party with a bottle of whatever offers the highest amount of alcohol for the least amount of money, the timer is set. The countdown has begun. At midnight you’ll have to prove you’re not a desperate, lonely loser by licking someone else’s tongue off.

This one’s super easy: be gorgeous. If you’re good looking then you’ll never miss out on a New Year’s kiss. In fact, if you’re good looking, it’s doubtful you’ll even know any of these problems in this guide exist and so won’t need any help. You can stop reading here.

Logic would dictate that all readers who stayed past the last sentence are ugly. OK, this is where things get a bit complicated. You’re going to have to feign a personality and make yourself out to be more interesting than anyone else in the room. Sounds tough? In reality, this is easier than you might think.

Because no one wants to talk to that stinky person hovering by the free food, you’ll want to make sure you smell nice. If you’re on a budget, there are wonderfully frugal ways to do this. The best being: go into a shop that sells perfume and try all the testers on different bits of your skin. Not only will you have masked your musky odour with free eaux de toilette, but you’ll have added to your level of intrigue with an eclectic blend of smells. No joke, there’ll be something for everyone to dip into on your aroma easel.

When you’re at the party, show you’re a good listener by staring into the eyes of whoever’s speaking with wild intensity. DO. NOT. BLINK. Blinking shows disinterest, and disinterest lessens your kissability factor. Yes, you’re right, James Bond manages to make nonchalance work. But James Bond is good looking. And we’ve already established you are not.

Another important bit of advice is to make sure you laugh louder than anyone else when you hear a joke. The benefits are twofold:

  1. It will highlight your brilliant sense of humour which is unique to you.
  2. You will be able to close your eyelids for an extended period of time and refresh your dry, itchy eyeballs.

Once you’ve shown yourself to be the optimum choice for would-be kissers, don’t cock it up at the last hurdle. In the final ten minutes, it would be wise to get all of your burps out of the way so you don’t inflate the other person’s cheeks like a balloon.

It’s time to kiss with confidence.

Ok, someone’s mouth is approaching your mouth. It’s cool, you’ve got this. Resist your natural urge to pucker your lips. Puckering’s for suckers. Instead, open your mouth wide in direct proportion to how much love you plan to expel, which is roughly a year’s worth. Put months of regimented tongue strengthening exercises to good use and imagine you’re trying to punch the other person’s tongue to death with your own. Remember, the goal is to set yourself up as being a pro kisser; you want this person to want to carry on kissing you after the party. So really fucking go for it with your mouth fist, subdue their inferior tongue and leave them desperate for more.

My head feels like a cage of hungry cats.

No more feeling like a sad robot for you.

If you didn’t chicken out at the party, you will have drunk loads of booze. As a result, there’s a high chance you’ll wake up with a creeping sense of dread and a very, very sore head. Oh tits, this is horrible. If only you could swap your rubbish old head for a nice new one. Don’t be ridiculous! The technology to carry out such a procedure won’t exist for at least another year.

But… What if it wasn’t as ridiculous as you think? What if you could defer your hangover until the far-off utopia of 2017?

Using basic mathematics and science you learnt in school, it should be a fairly straightforward task for you to knock out some sort of cryogenic freezing device. Now you’ll be able to put off the pain until some stupid genius perfects head transplant surgery. But don’t step into the machine just yet. Remember to take a mouthful of all of your favourite foods so you can wake up to all the best flavours (who knows if they’ll still be there when you wake up). Set the dial of the machine to the future.

As you close the door, pull the smuggest face your filled cheeks will allow. You’re about to skip straight to a world where hangovers are no longer the debilitating illness they once were. You’re welcome.

Happy New Year, you big winner.

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