Altercation in Gross Lab Leads to M1’s Actually Throwing Hands

As the semester begins its descent into finals and boards, tension has begun to build with many students regarding their grades. Many just want to pass, more want to make B’s, and a few assholes are perfectionists that are in the range of getting A’s. For those on the precipice of a C to a B, or B to an A, even the smallest bit of grade boost helps.

It was for this reason campus police say an altercation broke out in the Gross Anatomy lab. M1’s Joe Wheeler and Chris Hardy reportedly got into a heated fight over the results of their last lab quiz, which comprised a whopping 0.6% of the total course grade. Witnesses say that Wheeler began to berate Hardy over losing 0.08% of their semester grade because he picked the wrong strand of unidentifiable grey spaghetti in the pelvis when asked to identify the pudendal nerve. Hardy, sleep-deprived and at the breaking point, was heard then screaming:

DO YOU WANT TO THROW HANDS WITH ME, YOU GUNNER MOTHERFUCKER?

Authorities confirm this was likely the story — upon arrival, the bags of forearm prosections in the example tank had been emptied, their contents hucked across the lab, as the two students viciously perpetrated a ranged assault on one another. Witnesses had ducked for cover, unwilling to have a hand in the argument.

The M1’s were escorted from the lab by campus police. More on this story as it develops.