I’d like to return this Trump

Hi there. You have a good holiday? Great, great. Listen, I was wondering if it would be possible to return this Trump.

Receipt? No, I don’t have my receipt, technically, but I do have this “I Voted” sticker. Hope that works.

Looks like there are a lot of people here trying to return Trumps, huh? Well, makes sense — I guess everybody’s got a crazy aunt in Ohio (or Wisconsin, or Michigan, or Pennsylvania) who got them a Trump they didn’t want. It’s like, c’mon, Aunt Mavis… the one year you couldn’t just get me socks. Or a Romney.

What’s wrong with it? Well, a number of things, actually:

— I can’t get it to switch from “campaign mode” into “presidential mode.” The saleslady, Kellyanne, said it was supposed to do that automatically, but it hasn’t yet.

— I keep trying to download those “security briefing” updates from the website, but for some reason the Trump doesn’t seem to be updating. It just gives me some error message about being a “smart person” and having “the best brain.” I feel like I’m leaving myself open to all kinds of security vulnerabilities if my Trump won’t download this vital info.

— Why are the instructions in Russian? I don’t like the idea that you have to be Russian to understand how to control this thing.

— My wife and daughter get really uncomfortable whenever the Trump is in the room with them. (Yes, I understand that I signed that waiver acknowledging that my purchase of a Trump means I’m implicitly if not explicitly condoning sexual violence, but it’s still a pretty big inconvenience.)

— I bought this Trump because I believed all the marketing that said it was going to build me that wall I’ve always wanted, but I’m starting to think that the mail-in rebate I’m supposed to send to Mexico is actually worthless.

— It keeps tweeting, which Kellyanne implied it would stop doing by now. All kinds of crazy stuff about nuclear weapons, and the popular vote, and North Korea… in public, too, where everybody can see! It’s embarrassing! I mean, I understand that the Trump has a rant function, but I feel like I should be able to turn that off. (Strangely, the one thing it seems to have stopped talking about is that it’s going to “lock her up.” What gives? That was one of the main reasons I bought it.)

— I was ok with just the Trump itself, but I didn’t realize it came with this whole set. I am definitely not cool with the Carson and the DeVos and those two Flynns that I’m supposed to have too. And the Pruitt is an absolute menace… it keeps denying climate change, right in front of my son, who’s studying for his third-grade science exam right now, and doesn’t have time to keep correcting our Pruitt.

— Related note: what in holy hell is that Bannon thing? How did that vile abomination somehow show up in my house? I keep tossing it in the trash, and it keeps reappearing, muttering something about how it “doesn’t need Senate confirmation.” Incredibly creepy. You need to tell me how to get rid of that thing, stat.

Look, I shouldn’t have to defend myself to you. It was an impulse buy, ok? I just figured, it was either this or the Clinton, and I’d gotten my kids the Clinton the last two times. (I mean, they called it the Obama, or whatever, but it was essentially the same model.) I basically bought the only thing that you guys had in the “Anyone But Clinton” aisle, besides that Gary Johnson that I saw in the discount bin, which literally fritzed out and caught on fire the moment I tried to ask it a question.

Please stop telling me I should “give the Trump a chance.” I’ve decided I don’t want it, all right? How many times do I have to say that? Would it help if I said it 2.8 million times? (It wouldn’t? Why not? Because of the what college? Ugh… oh, yeah, that thing. That’s always been a super annoying policy you guys have. You seriously ought to get rid of that.)

Listen, I’m not trying to be difficult here, but I really want to return this Trump. Can I speak to a manager, maybe? Someone must be in charge here, right? I find it hard to believe that there isn’t some authority figure who’s going to allow me and all these other people who regret the bad decision we made to just get something else instead.