Being Everyone’s Worst Critic
Anxiety, being hyper-critical of those closest and why I do what I do
Becoming critical of those dearest to you
For the last month or so, things have changed quite a bit psychologically for me. I’m noticing that I’ve become a lot more critical of the things that my team do and the way that they act. What’s surprised me most is that it’s not based on their performance or code. I’ve begun to view certain flaws in their etiquette and demeanour in a greater detail and it’s made me very paranoid about everything.
For example, someone might say something while we’re all just joking around and, as things have in the past, it goes a little far or they get really enthusiastic and go a little beyond the lines of inhibition. It sounds incredibly petty to even type out this example but I can’t explain the small pang of pain I feel as those tiny little events build up. Sometimes it’s just me being too aware of my surroundings, sometimes it’s just someone not caring as much about bad habits or even sometimes it’s just someone saying something they didn’t know they weren’t supposed to say.
Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go. — Hermann Hesse
It’s hard though, to ignore and collect all these little things. These are people that I would have trusted with everything before November and now I’m judging them as if I have a right to do so. We’re not even in a position where these sorts of things matter and, more importantly, a lot of these are just small flaws in the wonderful characters of those around me. I haven’t found a way to deal with this yet. Hopefully I find some way of letting these things go soon.
Dealing with anxiety and trying to approach people
From that hyper-critical paranoia also comes a strain on my anxiety. I certainly feel it harder when I’m with my team and it just takes one minor thing to diminish my confidence in a situation. A lot of people who know me, know that I’ve always had a bit of trouble with anxiety. It’s difficult to quantify or describe the kind of feelings and emotions that cause me to back out of social situations or to retract into myself but it’s something that’s kind of plagued me for most of my life.
I’ve never been very good at maintaining a good self-confidence which is, I think, where a lot of the apprehension stems from. It inhibits me from approaching people and, even though I’ve learned tricks for continuing a conversation, it’s incredibly hard for me to initiate conversation.
Currently, I’m actively trying to get past this as it’s my biggest flaw when it comes to the company. I’m supposed to be making connections and networking and advertising and doing all manner of social activities but I struggle to do things alone. Something I’m currently trying out is a method of relaxation where you just tense and relax a muscle slowly and deliberately. It’s worked great for calming me and keeping my mind from talking me out of situations but I’m going to continue seeking a way to make approaching people seem less scary while still trying to throw myself into it.
I Am The Master Of My Fate
Recently, someone asked me why I do what I’m doing if it makes me so anxious and busy all the time. I don’t know where it came from really but the words had slipped out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying.
“It’s all a game and I want to win it”
You don’t play a game because you have to, you play a game because it’s fun; you enjoy the experience. Don’t get me wrong, I have so many reasons and dreams for embarking on the path I have but, honestly, the only reason that matters is that I love what I do. My dream has always been to change something about the world around me so that I left some sort of impact on the lives of the people I cared about. There have been points in my life when I’ve reached my lowest and I keep looking up at the world and thinking that some day I want to sit on the precipice and look down upon everything I’ve accomplished and feel like everything was worth it; everything I did moulded and shaped me to be the person I will one day inevitably be.
My closest friends will often hear me recite a certain poem over and over again but the words of Invictus by William E. Henley describe perfectly why I do it — We’re beaten, battered and bruised by the lives we lead but we still retain control and mastery over ourselves and our ambitions. We are unconquerable. We are in control.
It matters not how strait the gate;
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul.
(Last Verse) Invictus by William E. Henley
