I Threw Up Today

The shiver down my spine told me something was up.

The last time I felt this cold needle like shiver from my neck down my back and into my gut was too many years ago.

It was something I knew all too well.
The gut feeling and almost instant gasp from my heart was a muck.

What have I done?
More importantly what didn't i do!

My nerves were shaking I couldn't stand still at work, my mind was racing and erratically syncing to my heart.

The patterns were off the charts.
My body became warm and I began to sweat.

I shouldn't be alive?
Said the doctor.

Oh no!
I thought to myself.
Itseems happening again.
I fucked up.

And without hesitation I began an investigation.

I messaged a close friend, one that would know the answer I was seeking.

The truth to my inevitable heart attack.

No not any energy drinks or coffee consumption.

Just the mear insanity behind being in love and doing nothing about it.

Yes!

She said without a hiccup in her breath, as to be convinced I had already known.

But I didn't know.

This news of her with someone else, I was un aware.

Instantly everything became a void.
I heard and felt nothing 
A blank space 
Tunnel vision

I began to work double times!
Hoping it would help me forget the truth that just unfolded.

But nothing worked

I quickly ran over to the restroom stall and vomit came pouring out of my mouth as if I was being crushed from the inside out.

I was sick to my stomach

This is something I haven't felt in quite some time.

How could something so simple as emotion have control over my entire being.

And even though I was not one for moving on in such an instant

I shouldn't have expected her to do anything less than be happy.

I was the fool 
My mind had won this fight over my heart.

Like a politician covering up the truth with word vomit to appeal to the masses.

The fear of being left for dead like before grew a cloud over my judgement.

But I wasn't sure weather that 
Or
The fear of actually being loved for the rest of my life

Was the end decision to my own demise

Shortly prior to this information I obtained I had sent a message stating that she had control over my heart, and quite honestly I couldn't fight it any longer.

But I was wrong to think such a gorgeous wonderful woman would stay on her own for so long.

You're an idiot 
I told my self 
And will forever in time

But that's just piece of the pie

A later event so terrible

That lucifer himself would be upset by and ready to punish the soul of the one who put his hands on her.

I grew angry 
And disgusted

I'm shaking in the inside 
I am prepared to present myself and best him to a pulp.

This feeling

It's been so long old friend

And I am the fool

I fell in love

And I let it all slip away.

- she really is amazing