I don’t like me when I’m angry. — 7 of 31
Or “Learning to tame the Murray-Fury.”
I’m a patron of Ninja Writers and this is day seven of the May Medium Post-a-Day Challenge of blogging for 30 consecutive days.
I’m really fucking mean when I’m angry. It’s…it’s not pretty, dude.
If you’ve ever seen me get competitive in just about anything (most likely sports), you’ve probably seen this side of me. My longtime dodgeball friends know this all too well and quite frankly, I’m very grateful a lot of them stuck by me despite my occasionally ridiculous antics.
I mean, really. I said A LOT of stupid things over the years.
I have to constantly be on alert about it because it really does sometimes come out of nowhere and has a snowball effect: Once it starts rolling, it’s almost impossible to stop in its tracks.
As we saw in my day four post, I don’t like it when others are cruel to others for no reason at all. My grandfather (Mom’s dad) told me stories about how he and his brother were bullied as children when they came to America from Slovakia. One such incident included being tied to a tree while it was set on fire. Luckily, his brother found him and untied him before any physical harm.
So, I guess I’ve always had a soft spot for the underdog.
Well, that and Papa (same guy) was a huge Cleveland Browns fan…the ultimate underdog team. And he and I were very close.
Taming the “Murray-Fury” (as one of my co-workers from my high school years called it) boils down to practicing two things for me:
- You can’t always win and winning shouldn’t define you.
This is especially true of watching sports. If your team is the absolute worst ever or wins the championship…it doesn’t affect your life. Oh sure, you’ll be happy if you win. You can gloat and be a dick to opposing fans. But, you don’t really gain anything personally.
Yeah, sure. I was happy as hell when we won. I finally got something that alluded for me years. The after party with some of my best friends and teammates is a memory I’ll always cherish.
But, even winning something personally doesn’t fundamentally change who you are.
I think John Candy put it best in Cool Runnings:
If you’re an asshole and treat people horribly, that won’t change whether you finish first or last. You define who you are, not some trophy/ribbon/banner.
I realized that as I continued to play dodgeball after my first championship. I’m still the same guy. Typically happy-go-lucky, but prone to outbursts of anger. Drinking exacerbates either mood and since I’m an all-or-nothing drinker, I decided “nothing” was best moving forward.
The only thing that could change me, was me. Nothing and nobody else could. It was only when I recruited my friends for help, sought counseling, and focused on what I could do personally that I made significant changes.
Which is a good lead-in to point two:
2. You can’t control other people. No matter how cruel they are.
This past week was a good reminder. With the passing of the AHCA in the House, a lot of people were very upset, including me. Not just worried for myself and my pre-existing conditions, but for the people our company serves. The disabled and the elderly. The most vulnerable of all.
My friends and I commiserated on Facebook and, as I’m sure happens to you, somebody’s friend of a friend decided it’d be great to lend their opinion to the conversation. Opinion meaning mostly hateful assumptions.
The best way to kill a troll is ignore them. On the Internet and in real life, they feed off negativity. Once you’ve tried good-will and reason and yet they continue on, it’s best to just not entertain them further and move on. They don’t want to be convinced, they just want to cause trouble.
But still, Thursday night bothered me greatly. My sleep from that night is at the top (the red dashes are moments of restlessness):
A physical reminder not to let others get to me. It’s important to care, but I have to remind myself that letting something bother me so much isn’t without consequences
I’m doing my damndest to be better, y’all.
Taming the angry is still a work in progress, but I can confidently say it’s drastically improved. The issue of control is something I’ve wrestled with for years. I think when you don’t like yourself too much, you try and control other people/things to make up for it.
It’s a losing proposition. Trust me. As hard as it is, you have to admit you’re the problem and that only you can change that.
