You Might Be a Neo-Communist

A spectre is haunting America — the spectre of Neo-Communism. Its disciples, commonly referred to as “Neo-Coms,” are a new generation of collectivist activists seeking primacy over culture and media. They hide among us, and the undercurrent of their ideology is so pervasive that many of us have become Neo-Coms without even knowing it. For example, do you wear skinny jeans? Do you rail against “privilege” on your Ivy League campus? Do you use the phrase “avant garde” to describe art that confuses you? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then you might be a Neo-Com.

What follows are a few more symptoms and behaviors of the Neo-Communist persuasion. In other words, you might be a Neo-Com if…

You operate an Instagram handle as an “artist,” carefully agonizing over which pre-packaged filter best captures the shadow of your man-bun on the exposed brick wall you found behind a pizza joint in “historic” Brooklyn.

You traded in your faded Che Guevara shirt for a “Feel the Bern” shirt you now wear as a badge of protest against the crooked DNC. It’s like they say, home is where Vermont is — a utopian paradise populated with baristas and gender studies graduates eating free Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

You prefer hostels over the privacy of hotels. What better way to kill time while you wait for Elizabeth Warren to foot your tuition bill than by backpacking Europe! Visit the United Kingdom of Brexit and pay homage to Boris, their barbarian chieftain. Or maybe trek across the borderless Merkelwood to make your way into Russia, where wifi is always free!

You celebrated the lifting of the Cuba embargo, mostly because you can now travel to an exotic island where everything is a trendy “vintage” piece from the 1960’s. The only Cuban crisis on your hands is what to write for your #nofilter instagram post.

You read a rumor on the internet that Dakota Fanning’s Pipeline trespasses an Indian burial ground, so you’re damn right you left work eight hours early to protest! Freedom of speech isn’t cool when it hurts feelings, but it’s really cool when you can crossdress as Captain Planet and tie yourself to a tree.

You never forgave those Wall Street fat cats for bursting the housing bubble. Sure, that famous Jose guy from Kony Island was pretty bad, but Wells Fargo is one bail out away from driving us off another fiscal cliff.

You’re convinced that terrorism is caused by climate change and unemployment. If terrorists just had jobs and clean air, maybe there’d be more deals and less explosions.

As we move closer to a new Information Age of Enlightenment, we hope this serves as a guide to traversing the unknown digital frontier of political discourse. Remember, this list is not exhaustive…but neither are the ambitions of the Neo-Com movement.