Breakfast girl (NSFW)

Amazingly Delicious Breakfast.

June 12, 2016

‘I think we should get some shots.’

Leon, a long time friend and co-worker casually said. Its the last day before the 4 day bank holiday weekend and we’re at a bar, I’ve had one drink and i’m dead sober.

Me: mmm, maybe. I’m not feeling it.
Leon: pussy.
Me: Sambucca for you then? Tequila for me.

Well, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere. I glance around, dotted are co-workers and acquaintances. None of them are interesting, i’m here as someone is leaving the company. Just to show some face and be polite.

I scout the area for talent. Nope. The best we have is a Russian girl who’s basically got a perma bitch face, a Romanian girl I’ve never spoken to, and TwerkGirl who is leaving.

As I was noseying around, we bump into one of Leon’s friends. And his friend has two girls with him. One is his fiancé, the other is his fiancé’s friend. It’s game time.

I start my usual spiel of what’s up, blah blah, what makes you interesting, But this girl was insanely boring.

Me: So what makes you interesting…?
Her: Nothing.
Me: So if you’re home right now, not Netflixin’ or whatever. What would you be doing?
Her: Watching TV. Eating, sleeping. I don’t have any hobbies. Maybe reading a book?

Bingo. Book. At least something of substance in this train wreck of a conversation. She’s not even hot and i just need to warm up but it’ll do for now.

Me: So what’re you reading?
Her: Its a book about brains and stuff, pretty fascinating.
Me: Oh, does it have pictures? That must make reading it easier.

I’ll have to do a quick interlude here. My humour is sometimes dry, especially when I’m flirting, and when the girl doesn’t get sarcasm its a huge red flag and frankly I shouldn’t be wasting time with her, even if I’m just warming up.

Her: why would it have pictures? Its a book about brains.

Dios mio. A little voice in my head is laughing about not picking and vetting targets correctly. I recover:

Me: that was sort of the point.
Her: oh.
Me: yeah i’m gonna get another drink.
I bet this book has pictures in it.

I grab DeadLift, another friend of mine and we head to Mcdonalds.

At this point I’m Dissapointed. The bar we went to was *dry. There’s a second bar where a few of my co-workers were at and still that was apparently also terrible. I didn’t wanna go home, furiously wank and cry so, i texted one of my Tinder Girls.

I spoke to this girl who i went on a coffee date with. She was actually my first Tinder date ever. Super nice girl. After a bit of fluff, she said come over. I valiantly throw my chicken nugget down on the table, asserting dominance.

Me: I’m going.
Deadlift: Where are you going? Plans?
Me: Bootycall bruh.

I wander over to her place in South London. I’ve never been there before. To note I’ve never had a tinder close before. This girl was also my first tinder date ever last week so, not sure what’s gonna happen. If she invites me to her place then I’m sure that’s a positive, right?

The gods of tinder are laughing at me, it’s probably really obvious.

I talk to the receptionist at her apartment. She was cute, im almost annoyed TinderGirl arrived so quickly to get me.

I get to her place and i did the classic ‘let’s watch a movie’ In her bed.

This is where the story ends. The other half of this story is NSFW and quite graphic so- you’ve been warned.


After messing around a bit, she’s bobbing her head up and down my crotch and i’m getting really turned on. I’ve got a problem though, well.. two problems. one, i don’t have a condom. Two- Her bush isn’t trimmed but it isn’t wild. Slight turn off but whatever.

The other issue is that her blowjob skills are sub par. Her teeth keep hitting my dick and its not agreeing. Her kissing skills are also sub-par. She’s got a weird ‘suck my lips’ kinda vibe and i didn’t fully understand why. She’s sucking the top half of my tache. Why? I went along with it anyway. Yolo.

Reminiscent of this video, before Kimmy Schmidt existed. What a classic!

The main problem is that when i stuck my hand down there below and fondled around, she said ‘it hurts’.

How? I’m into double digits now and I’ve never had anyone complain about my hand dexterity. I realise its her clit- its way too sensitive for me to play with. How annoying.

Anyway, fast forward past the sub par blow jobs, and the complaints, i sat there finished while she sucked my balls.

Decent finish, no bang.

Woke up the next morning and she said she’s hungry and making breakfast. Of course morning sex occurs.

2 minutes later (maybe less) she gets up and starts to make breakfast. Bacon and scrambled eggs. Not bad. I lay there watching How i met your mother and its going ok. We had somewhat awkward breakfast and i fully expect a text later how great last night was.

Before i left i made her bed and offered to wash the dishes, she found that weirdly surprising in a good way, its funny because those two are just the least i can do for her letting me stay over, suck my dick AND make me breakfast the next day.

Men around the world make things so much easier when they set the bar so low.

Glossary:
Dry — Dead, barren. nothing to do.